Really Annoyed This Morning ...

[MrsToriCostner]

Sorry guys, I just really need a rant!

SAHM here, two kids, almost 7, almost 2.

Got up this morning, came down, kitchen a mess from me cooking last night.

Presumed DH would have sorted it or at least filled the dishwasher and turned it on last night.

I do DHs packed lunch for work and shout up and ask him to bring any glasses/pots from upstairs meanwhile I've told DC1 to get dressed for school numerous times but they are not listening and still in pjs watching tv.

I go upstairs to get ready for the school run and find glasses/pots in DC1 bedroom, DH has taken the flat sheet off our bed and dumped it on the floor and left it there because DC2 leaked in the night apparently. His socks are dumped on the floor too, it's the same every morning, I find myself putting them in the wash basket myself.

DC1 is still not dressed and apparently can't find any socks despite multiple pairs been in the wardrobe.

So I'm shouting loud by now as we are going to be late and I'm taking 2 kids on the school run.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I just feel I could fall out with the world today 🙁

And he is reliant on the OP to bring up his children. She isn't reliant on his generosity - or rather, he is also reliant on hers to bring up their children and save on nursery fees (which depending on how much he earns could be equivalent to a salary).

It depends how long the two year old naps, their personality, how active they are etc. As I said, there were a few assumptions in my post.

Thank you for the personal comments! I work and earn as much as my husband. We split childcare and chores equally too.
I think it's right for me to work personally, but respect stay at home parents and think their contribution to individual households and society as a whole can be massively undervalued.

Is he paying into a pension for you, OP?

It's loading a dishwasher and putting the washing machine on. It takes 5 minutes. 5 minutes over the course of a day is nothing, 5 minutes before 8am is sometimes the thing that makes you miss the train, late for work, miss a meeting etc. Please don't put words in my mouth ('Important Man Job'), I've already said I'd say the same were gender roles reversed, it a same sex couple, etc.

Our DD (5 years old) needs a lot of prompting. We bought a TimeTimer to get into a rythm for the mornings. We were often just in time or a few minutes late...

DH had to go away for work for a week. I wrote down a schedule of all the things I needed to do: table clean and prepared for the morning, bottle of water and sliced fruit already in the fridge for the school bag. Only had to put in the rest of the packed lunch in the morning etc.
When to check if enough socks, underwear were available.
Also a complete schedule of the whole morning routine.
We were always on time... and normally I took the toddler to daycare. Now two kids and in time for work...

No, it’s not her job to be a servant to her family.
It’s not unreasonable of her to expect them to do bare minimum

Would have preferred that he left the dirty sheet on the bed ?

I think it's nice that you make your DH's packed lunch! I second all the posters that say get a lot of stuff ready the night before and remove TV from the morning routine, especially as it distracts your DH when he really should be helping get the kids ready for the day.

I hope the wee soaked sheets were on a wipe clean floor and not a rug or carpet! That would drive me insane. Socks left on the floor are annoying but not the end of the world.

A lot of posters seem to have a different understanding of what it means to be a SAHP than I do. To me, it means that while one person is working out of the house, the SAHP is working inside the house. Each person's job should by and large last the same amount of time. The OP has two young children, one who is a toddler. So in my eyes, between 9-5 (or whatever the hours are), her DH works outside the house, and between 9-5 she works inside the house looking after the children and the house. And then when her DH is back at home, they both PARENT together. Why is that so difficult to understand?

Do none of you do housework, cooking, parenting duties, put on a load of washing etc when you finish work?

Throwing pissy sheets on the floor shows a level of contempt that I would not be able to stomach. You are his wife, his partner, the mother of his children-not his skivvy.

Being a SAHP should not be a 24hr/day job. It should last as long as the other partner is also working outside of the house, and then both partners should be coming together to share the load the rest of the time.

Think many posters are fair to assume that if you’re a SAHM then the house/home is your workplace - ie cleaning the kitchen after a meal in the evening is within your remit. In my own marriage - DH works very long hours, often travels for days or weeks - I am the person primarily responsible for our home, along with the DCs. However, this does not mean lack of respect or a belief that his job is more important than mine, so at weekends he often does the cooking/cleans the kitchen etc.

I wonder whether what underlies your comment is that you feel your contribution to the marriage is not valued? It seems, perhaps, less an issue of whether your husband should have cleaned the kitchen (if it wasn’t expressly agreed he should, why would he?) or stripped the bed to prevent wet sheets from soiling the mattress (useful and thoughtful, even though popping them next to/into the washing machine might have been nice), or even - amongst bed stripping - leaving a pair of socks on the floor (which I’m sure you normally don’t mind and, if socks were on the other foot, so to speak, he’d have picked up yours?).

As mentioned in my PP above, there are simple steps you can take to support your 6yo into independence (no telly before she’s ready for school), that could take the heat out of the morning routine - but what I am hearing is the fact that you feel unappreciated and unvalued.

I would talk to DH about this, perhaps join a mum & baby group if you haven’t found one where you can talk to other mums, and try and carve some ‘you’ time out at the weekend when you can try to feel more yourself. A toddler is hard enough on their own, but with a 6yo and the high expectations of school for homework/reading etc it can feel overwhelming.

You’ve had a bad day today. Put it behind you.

A lot of posters seem to have a different understanding of what it means to be a SAHP than I do. To me, it means that while one person is working out of the house, the SAHP is working inside the house. Each person's job should by and large last the same amount of time. The OP has two young children, one who is a toddler. So in my eyes, between 9-5 (or whatever the hours are), her DH works outside the house, and between 9-5 she works inside the house looking after the children and the house. And then when her DH is back at home, they both PARENT together. Why is that so difficult to understand?

For her first 2 years DH worked away 5.5 days a week. He absolutely did as much housework as he could for the 36 hours he was home each week. OP’s DH should be able to do considerably more if he is home more than he is at work.

You were fine OP. It was clear what you meant!

Surely it's just a colloquial term in most of Britain for kitchenware ie pots and pans.

Most working adults without a sah partner, have to cook their own meals and load their own dishwasher. Having a wife at home doesn't make a man exempt from doing basic adulting tasks. She cooked, he should help clean up.

And @Str8talkin not leaving your manky socks on the floor doesn't mean you are living like a lodger. It means not living like a slob!

Probably suggested already

• husband can make own lunch
• ban dishes/glasses/pots upstairs forever, make it a habit now while kids are young
• no tv in the morning until all ‘getting ready’ tasks are done
• do not pick up husbands dirty clothes, leave them, as long as it takes, I’ve retrained my 56 year old husband to pick up his own, it’s been difficult but you must leave them where they lay! Or maybe kick the socks to somewhere that annoys you a bit less!

Yes, you need to make a change here. A friend struggled with this and wondered why I didn’t. I explained that I didn’t turn the TV on in the morning - never started, so mine didn’t expect it, I suppose. It’s going to be harder now they’re used to it, but if they’re at school they’re old enough to understand consequences. On Monday it does not go on until they’re dressed and had breakfast and brushed their teeth. The quicker they get themselves sorted, the more TV they can have. Tell them over the weekend, remind them on Sunday evening, and follow through. Be prepared for a battle but stay calm and firm.

Any clothes left on the floor by your DH, throw in the bottom of his wardrobe. Make it clear that you only wash what is in the basket. In my experience, this one is grasped quickly if you follow through. Don’t get upset and shout, just calmly explain the new approach - and do it.

Agree about no tv until dressed and ready for school

Just remembered that your youngest is not at school - but it should still work if you stay firm.

Take a big deep breath- it’s Friday! - and prepare for Monday. Put today behind you.

We have a no dishes and no food upstairs rule. I don't care if you want a cup of tea before bed, you will drink it downstairs.

Like others have suggested, your husband can absolutely make his own lunch. One less thing for you to worry about.

Absolutely NO TV in the morning. Your child needs to wake up, eat breakfast, get ready for school. That's it.

If you want your husband to do the cleaning and washing up after tea, you need to tell him. Some men are considerate (like mine) and will just do it anyway since you did the cooking but there are some that needs to be told. Now if you tell him and he doesn't do it then go mad!

There's nothing I hate more than dirty clothes on the floor. My DH use to do that shit early on when we first started living together. I nipped it in the bud immediately and now he wouldn't dare.

In summary, you need to set your expectations clear. Tell him what you expect of him and if he can't change then you need to kick him to the curb. Hard for you to do when you're not working but this is why I'm not a big fan of women totally relying on men financially. It's really problematic especially in times like these when you have a useless man like your DH. He probably thinks all he needs to do in this life is bring in some money and that's it.

Good luck with it all. If you don't start being tough on him then you will forever be the servant my dear.

I’m a SAHP & I agree. Leaving mugs upstairs or socks on the floor is not ok IMO. They should get put in the kitchen, socks in the laundry basket etc, but the household chores of laundry and dishes fall to the SAHP during the week as far as I’m concerned. Especially with a kid in school all day. On the weekend both parents do their fair share.

Do none of you do housework, cooking, parenting duties, put on a load of washing etc when you finish work?

Of course, every single day.

But if DH was home all day with a one year old, I would expect him to spend some of that time doing things like laundry and dishes.

I do think he should be picking up his dirty socks and bringing his dishes down, but I don't think he should be expected to do laundry and dishes when he has a partner who is home all day. I know that's probably not a very popular view though.

If I stayed home all day and DH went to work, I certainly wouldn't expect him to spend his mornings sorting the laundry, or his evenings doing the dishes.

I wonder, did these slovenly men just wade through piles of dirty clothing until laundry day before they got a live-in helper?

Or did they start leaving their dirty clothes around afterwards, like it's just a perk of having a life partner?

Each to their own but I find this extremely bizarre

Neither. I think quite a few people, men and women, live at home and their parents still deal with quite a bit of the laundry, or they do live with laundry on the floor until they grow up a bit. I don't think people start living that way once they have children...

This.

Stripping the bed and leaving the sheets to be washed is not disrespectful. It's helpful by not leaving the sheets on the bed to soak it.

Mt DH has to leave by 7am for an hours commute to work. Any later and its more than an hour. If he noticed the sheets were wet he'd take them off, but as he doesn't have time to find anything else that could go with it in the wash OR know what I planned to wash that day (as I usually handle the washing), he'd leave them ready to be washed. And I'd be happy that my DDs bed was airing and not covered in "pissy sheets".

You can make anyone's actions seem selfish and disrespectful by taking them totally out of context and twisting it to fit your narrative.