AIBU to be upset my MIL is bestfriends with the ex?

[Duckie2407]

When I first met my partner I told him due to a severe bad trauma I couldn’t be with someone that had their ex in their life in any capacity as it was too triggering for me.
I totally understand other people are completely fine with ex involvement but I’m not (Thanks to my own ex).
I told him this before we even considered progressing on a date and said if his ex is involved in his life in any capacity I’m not the girl for him. At the time he said that before he had met me he had asked his Mum to stop being in contact with his ex as he just wanted a clean break and not have the reminder of what was a very miserable time. From that I assumed all ties were cut.
We ended up getting pregnant very early early on in our relationship and fast forward 19 months we now have a 3 month old.
The MIL came around yesterday and wanted to show me something on WhatsApp, she sat next to me and opened her phone and the first message was from the ex. I didn’t say anything but went on to say that just to give clear boundaries my partners ex is to have nothing to do with our child including photos being sent or meeting her, she said that’s absolutely fine and she’d never do that. She then went on to say that she’s best friends with his ex, is actually looking after her properties and she’s recently gone out for the day with her and her new boyfriend who are expecting and she’s been buying presents for the upcoming arrival. She did try and continue telling me details but at this point I was visibly upset and I asked her to stop and explained that this was a lot of info for me to take in given the convo my partner had told me about and my feelings around such topic. The MIL did say that the convo had taken place but my partner has no rights to tell her who she can be friends with, especially as it was “his fault they ended” (Because he was so unhappy). She then promised me not to tell my partner she’d told me anything as she knows he won’t be happy I’m upset.
I have told my partner, who had no idea his Mum was in so deep with his ex and is now also upset that his Mum has ignored his request.

AIBU to be upset about this very close relationship? I don’t know how to move forward given that I have said from day one I just can’t handle this kind of situation. Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated! Xx

She is right you can’t control who she is friends with

however you can control how much access she has to you and your child, especially if you are concerned she will pass pictures or information over

personally i would just go LC and leave any relationship with your partner and his mother to them

If your DP was unhappy in his previous relationship and subsequently left, why does the thought of his ex make him miserable now?

I think he has some responsibility for this situation. He hasn't claimed abuse, infidelity, or any other major event that ended the relationship. He (rightly) ended it because he was miserable. Why the over-reaction by telling his DM to break contact?

I think this has exacerbated MIL's confusion and bewilderment. You and your DP are reacting in a way that isn't usual. You know MIL works for ex but expect her to break contact. Surely you can understand how over the top and controlling this appears?

I sympathise for the awful way your own ex and his family treated you. And your MIL was thoughtless to say the things she did to you.

What do you want to happen now?

It is controlling because you are trying to control other people’s behaviour, and that’s unreasonable and unsustainable. I understand that you have had a traumatic experience but that doesn’t give you the right to tell other people who they can and can’t be in touch with. It’s fine to have boundaries but if you feel they are being crossed you withdraw from the situation because your anxiety is your issue, not theirs.

I might be wrong but maybe she's done it on purpose, showing you something and just happens to have his ex and going into lots of details about it. When there is no need for that

As long as your partner is not in touch with her then it's OK. Which he obviously doesn't as he said himself he wanted a clean start an no reminders. So no issue there

MIL can be friends with who she likes but I'd shut it down next time. I don't want to have this discussion and change the subject.

Thank you for taking the time to reply in such detail and raise such good points! Yes would totally agree this would have been nipped in the bud had I been put in the picture, just so I could process it and decide if that was the relationship for me. It seems like he did have the convo with his Mum and she didn’t actually give a conclusion and on my partners part he just thought she had respected his wishes and just left it. As people have mentioned she’s done a great job of concealing this, even to the point of telling my partner she was away with a friend when in reality she was spending the weekend with the ex and her new partner. So moving forward I have no concerns that she won’t share anything with us, it was just a shock for both of us the level of their relationship to which has been going on given we thought it wasn’t.

I’ve just called her and talked through everything with her and she says she totally understands my reactions and feels on such things and in relation to this really the only opinions that matter are hers and my partners.

Exactly.

it was something I discussed with a therapist. Her view was that my MIL was prioritising DH’s exW over her son’s needs as a mother.

OP you need to grow up and get over yourself. His ex has got literally nothing to do with you. Get some help for your issues rather than expecting everyone else to pander to them. This is not normal behaviour

Its one thing to set boundaries for your partner. As you say, he knew beforehand so could make his choice. However, you really can't extend the same demands beyond your relationship. Especially when they are this restrictive. Vanishingly few women would be happy to be told by their sons partner the type of contact they could have with another woman. Very few would consider strong emotional reactions if they didn't comply to be remotely normal or acceptable. Many women would push back strongly and all sorts of problems would result in the family dynamic.
I think you need to get some support to enable you to manage what are unusually strong feelings and disproportionate reactions. You say you feel this way about ex's because of past experience, so the healthy way to deal with that, for you and those in your life, is to take steps to recover from those experiences, rather than try to bend other people into accommodating your needs. For the good of all of you, I think you need to get support to work through your issues before the baby arrives.

She has moved on

So have you

You need to find a way to get over this

You are being massively unreasonable. Sounds like she understands the boundaries around sharing photos etc.

Well you can't control it but you can have boundaries. My mother continued to see my alcoholic ex and the rest of his family. I made it clear to her they were to hear nothing about me and my life. Sure enough I found out his family knew all sorts about me and I told my mother she had a choice to make, me or the ex. She chose me which was nice but if she'd chosen him and his family I'd have lived with it.

Is he not very close to his mum generally or does she live far away? I assumed you were all in the same town. It's just that you say he's surprised at her level of subterfuge, but I find it surprising he wouldn't know she had a new job working for his ex.

I also think it was a mistake to call her. You said your piece face to face when she came round, she knew where you stood then – why did you need to address it again? Because she's right about her contact with his ex being an issue only for her and her son. I'd back off now or you could trigger a fall-out between them that he might end up resenting you for.

Sadly, this. @Duckie2407 you do see this, right? It’s absolutely something YOU need to deal with.

she’s done a great job of concealing this, even to the point of telling my partner she was away with a friend when in reality she was spending the weekend with the ex and her new partner.

She was away with a friend.

This 👍

Exactly. OP wants the former girlfriend to remain in a neat box labelled 'ex' but the reality is she and MIL have a friendship that's outlasted her son and now extends to the new partner. Either OP accepts that and brushes it aside, or she goes NC. But if she does that, she's asking her partner to choose between her and his mum.

I can't imagine she won't be showing photos of her grandchild to her "best friend".

Seriously! Can you imagine the uproar if a man was “trying to dictate who your friends are”.

I’m sorry, but nobody can dictate to another person who they can be friends with whatever your history, that is so controlling and abnormal.

The OP is old enough to have a baby so time to grow up and stop trying to control people as that’s weird behaviour, maybe look into some therapy rather than worrying who your MIL mixes with.

OP, get some therapy. You sound unhinged.

.

This is your problem and your anxiety which I have every sympathy is something terrible happened to you so that you now have an irrational fear of an ex partner.

The ex partner in this situation is a completely different person and if you can't get past that then it's terribly unfair to inflict your neurosis on anyone else and you should go for counselling to help you overcome it.

I haven't had time to read the thread and I'm replying based on your original post.

How could you say mil is winding her up. My dd recently split from her partner of 12 years. She would never expect us all to ditch him and as hes been part of our family I love him dearly and wouldnt anyway. Its nothing to do with any future partner, she brought him into the family, wanted us to welcome him and now its a bit late to say cut him out.

OP you are being very unreasonable. You cannot control who other people are friends with. You may be struggling with your feelings, but you cannot subject other people to unreasonable demands based on your personal trauma. You need to find a way to cope with your feelings, and to move forward in a healthy way. This is nobody’s burden except your own.

My mil does this. Spends time with the ex then believes ridiculous lies and if she's talking about me to her then I decided she could no longer be in my home. So now I'll only see mil on neutral ground and I have explained to her but it didn't stop!

That's the problem isn't it. I value my privacy, the idea of my ex and his family knowing about my life is just horrible.