Found out man am dating was previously arrested

[wishingyouwell]

He told me he was arrested due to false allegation of violence from ex partner. Said was released without charge. No way of finding out other side of story.
Would you continue relationship and hope for best or pull out? Early in relationship.

@wishingyouwell I think I would be concerned that he has lied about it before and then decided to reveal what he did , I don't think they contact the exs in a Clare's law request.
I know there are some women out there who make things up like this but you seem a decent person to even consider giving him the benefit of the doubt and he will have sensed this too, abusers like kind nice people they can try and gain sympathy from over the "nasty ex " etc.
Personally it would be a huge no thank you from me , you want someone in your world who you can feel safe with and never have to doubt in this capacity.
Add in how you're concerned about how you end it due to his mental health then I feel he's already working on getting in your head, this one isn't your one x

Please don't feel you need to tailor your behavior to fit whatever issues he may/may not have. This SCREAMS manipulation to me. If you think you should walk away, just walk away. Do not allow him to dictate what you do. Just leave. Don't look back. He is not your problem unless you allow him to be.

so am conscious will need to navigate an ending with his mental health in mind as he regularly says he doesnt want to lose me when i suggest perhaps he needs more time to heal from previous relationship.

This set alarm bells ringing for me, over and above the fact you were with someone where you felt you had to ask the initial question (and the fact he lied to you). Its sounding worse and worse.

No you absolutely do not this is part of pulling you in

Tell him by text I am not interested in continuing this relationship please do not contact me as I have nothing more to say then block

you own him nothing at all you it to yourself to keep yourself safe

He has had depression following ending of previous relationship so am conscious will need to navigate an ending with his mental health in mind

I'd bet my house that he is just saying he had depression to make you sorry for him.

And to try to stop you from finishing with him.

You owe this man nothing.

He's already lied to you about this - on the phone before he admitted it in person, when his body language gave him away.
He's still lying.

One of my daughters had a boyfriend who gave her the crazy ex story. She believed him.

Right up to the time he beat her black and blue.

@TheShellBeach is right

You need a safe ending. You need to tell him, there must be no room for negotiation or discussion.

I'm very sorry to read that.

I wouldn't give him the time of day. A text to say it was over, neutral and block.

Most men are very reluctant to reveal vulnerability. At the start of a relationship it can appear to be opening up, but it's actually a diversion so that your focus on helping not thinking; it engages you emotionally so you forget about the cold fact of arrest.

Such men are dangerous; this sort of mind game is part of the fun for them.

Al Wilson sang about the tender hearted woman with the snake half dead; she revives him with her care, he recovers and gleefully bites her, telling her she knew already what he was. Don't be fooled.

OP this is a really good idea. I get you want to give him the benefit of the doubt. This sorts it for you.

@wishingyouwell

I could write the book on this.
Abusive alcoholic violent ex.
I had the stories on how he was the victim and his ex GFs were all psychos that attacked HIM.
His ex stopped him from seeing his kids when they were about 10. He was never able to give me a reasonable explanation for this. AFAIK, as adults they are not in contact with him still.
He also used depression/MH to manipulate me and use as an excuse for bad behaviour.
I hope you get out now. While you can.

Please do not take the mental health thing into account. As everyone else has said, it’s ringing manipulation bells. Text him to end it and block. No room for negotiations.
Please be safe.

Right to ask, Claire's law. Do it. Most forces have an online submission form for it.

In that case, I'd say that there's no smoke without fire.
I wouldn't continue the relationship.

Nope. There are many men in this world, this is not necessary. His mental health is not your problem for all you know he’s fine. Why would he tell you this especially if it was a non-issue if not to minimise?

Please be smart enough to end this right now. Send a text saying you're no longer interested and block. Don't be yet another woman who ignored all the advice and red flags and then ends up a victim.

Ok, so just to play devil's advocate ...
A few years back, my best friend was arrested. She is a gentle, meek and lovely person who was married to a narcissistic abuser. Long story short, the police were called one night. He managed to convince them that she attacked him. Complete nonsense.
She spent a night in the cells but no charges were brought.
I've always respected the police, but this was a terrifying lesson in how they can still get it wrong.

Yep, chances are I wouldn't take the risk and dump him too. In fact, I know I would. But you just never truly know.

Whilst I do think it's wise to walk away and I probably would myself, I do still wonder how awful it must be for the small amount of men out there who have been^^ falsely accused.
Forever doubted.
Meeting & falling in love with new partners, only to have them always dump him to be on the safe side because so many men lie......

Please tell me that you are only dating, and that neither of you has moved in with the other ?
Please tell me that he does not have a key to your home ?!

Then just dump him politely by text, and delete / block. do not engage with any further communication.

Released without charge doesn't mean they didn't do it/were innocent.

My ex husband was extremely violent to me (I almost died), he was arrested. The DV support team were preparing me mentally for going to court but CPS dropped it for "not being in the public interest" to proceed, despite him admitting his violence towards me. I was his wife, I didn't matter, the public were safe, it was only his wife that he beat and strangled. Yes, I'm still bitter, having been left battling PTSD, whilst he remarried. No idea what his wife knows or doesn't know.

OP, I'd tread extremely carefully here. Would be better to end it now though, before you find out for sure he's lying/delusional.

Funny how most of the innocent men with unhinged crazy exes go on to beat their new partners within the first year.

Even if he's the exception to the rule don't wait around to find out. You're too important to be a statistic.

Pull out. 100%%%%%%%

This is true. They prey on the vulnerable, and they’ve got an innate ability to spot vulnerability a mile away. It’s not victim blaming to say this. They start by showering you with affection, making you feel safe. Until they don’t.

Thank you and I'm very sorry to read that happened to you. Awful. I wish you strength in your recovery.