Found out man am dating was previously arrested

[wishingyouwell]

He told me he was arrested due to false allegation of violence from ex partner. Said was released without charge. No way of finding out other side of story.
Would you continue relationship and hope for best or pull out? Early in relationship.

Statistically it's much more likely that he's the abuser. So many women don't report it or the CPS don't press charges. It doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Dump him - there are other men who haven't been arrested that you could choose to date.

I asked in a really friendly way so he wouldn't be defensive - I would ask 'Do you like digestives?' in a similar tone. I just had this feeling I needed to ask again face to face rather than over phone.

Years ago I was on a first date with someone who had what i can only describe as an evil flicker in his eye. His eyes reminded me of a notorious celebrity who murdered his wife so I asked him if he'd ever hit a woman. Crazy I know and have never done it since on first date but as it happens he was honest and immediately said he had beaten up previous partner as she stole all his money and gave to a relative. When I tell people the story of the flicker etc they think it's crazy but the outcome was I knew straight away. He proceeded to tell me he knew I wasn't the type to steal so not to worry.

I don't know how I find them quite honestly.

Yes the thing you must check with yourself is your own reaction. If you felt sorry for him (and what was the rest of the conversation like btw?) then you are imo being played a part truth.

That little germ of intuition will die if you ignore it. Don't ignore it. That is the point of the half truth test. Will you override your instincts for him on a very small amount of information?

If yes, you are in real trouble

Sorry to hear that.
Maybe get some therapy (or more if you've already had some), and consider the freedom programme if you've been in abusive relationships in the past.
It's ok to step back if you're not sure about someone.

The rest of the conversation was quite light comparatively, yes I maybe did feel sorry for him a little especially when he said he wished he had done some things better as evidently he has some regrets and after a long relationship I sense he misses her a lot etc.
Thank you for the insight that's very helpful.

Thank you I think I will have to.

I don't know how I find them quite honestly

you don't find them. They are finding you. A wrong 'un can look at 10 women in a room and straightaway pick out the one giving off the "vulnerable " vibes. It's not victim-blaming to say this, although I know it could sound like it.

I would throw this one back. He's already lied to you and his story is changing subtly.

He sounds very manipulative to me. I imagine actually you made him angry by asking and then he paused to gather himself to tell you his "truth".

Men who play on the sympathy of women are often very suspect. I would drop him like a stone. Good luck

No I appreciate your advice. I really do. Thank you.

The risk if he’s lying would outweigh the possible benefit if he is telling the truth.

You say "as you do"
It's a question I asked when dating and I think an essential one

Really good instincts that you followed up on it. Now run!

Op I had exactly this situation. If he has a one year old baby and lives in London dm
Me! I ignored my gut feeling and believed him that she accused him maliciously as he seemed like such a lovely guy (have a look at a recent thread about 'did you believe the crazy ex story' something like that) and now i have a baby with a narcissist who left me before baby was born and is continuing to bully and harass me - he turned utterly awful
When I was pregnant and was such a charming romantic man before then.

I really echo doing a Claire's law - I don't think they can contact the ex and tell her and even so I don't think you'd have anything to apologize for - if he IS a decent guy then he'd understand you need to protect yourself, if you feel he'd get veery angry at you for doing it then you have your answer. Don't tell him
Though.

He is probably charming and love
Bombing her now

I'm sorry to hear that, how awful, I hope things work out much better for you and your child in the future.
He doesn't have a baby, sorry to hear so many out there with similar partners/ex partners.
I don't think I will do the Clare's Law, will just need to pull out.

He lied. He denied it the first time he was asked. He’s hiding something. If you’d been falsely arrested wouldn’t you be willing to reveal every detail of the injustice and how awful and unfair it was? You certainly wouldn’t keep your lips sealed, surely. You’d protest your innocence.

Thank you. We are good we have great support from family and friends, I just wish I’d picked a better father for him! Well done for trusting your gut and using your brain here and I’m sorry it won’t work out with someone you probably had high hopes for but best to cut you’re losses now X

Very good points

He has had depression following ending of previous relationship so am conscious will need to navigate an ending with his mental health in mind as he regularly says he doesnt want to lose me when i suggest perhaps he needs more time to heal from previous relationship.
Not sure best way to end matters but now know I will need to.
Thank you all for your input I really appreciate your support and guidance this evening. I'm so sorry so many of you have been affected by these types of relationships also.

I wouldn't want to risk it. He could be all normal and then BAM assaults you OR kills you! Too late to leave then.

Never worth the risk

I think you're right just to cut ties and walk away. Make sure you keep yourself safe while you do so.

I do respect your decision not to ask for a Claires Law disclosure....I'm a nosey cow and would have to ask but I think you're right to keep safe.

He has had depression following ending of previous relationship so am conscious will need to navigate an ending with his mental health in mind as he regularly says he doesnt want to lose me when i suggest perhaps he needs more time to heal from previous relationship.

His mental health is not your responsibility. This is in itself a red flag as it is VERY manipulative. Break up with him over the phone, or meet in public. Do it sooner rather than later.

OP I just want to say you’ve done really well in trusting your gut and asking for advice on here. We learn from our mistakes

Thank you and am glad to read you have the support of family and friends :)

Thank you@ElisabethZott I appreciate your kind message and the messages of all who have taken the time to advise.
You are a a thread of diamonds in cyber space. Thank you everyone.