Society's attitude to sobriety

[ellie09]

I went alcohol free after New Year. Decided that alcohol was no longer for me.

I wasnt an alcoholic but I was on a slippery slope. I live alone with DS and would have spent evenings drinking secretly and many mornings feeling hungover, groggy etc. I also had horrible drunk experiences with alcohol.

It has been going really well. I found an AF red wine I really enjoy and have substituted having this a couple nights a week. My energy, mental health, everything has improved.

Its everybody else's attitude I am struggling with. For example:

1. Its somebodys leaving do at work on Friday and this person has begged and begged me to "please have a drink". I have consistently told them no as I am driving, but in the end had to make up some BS about being on antibiotics

1. Friends have planned a get together at a spa. I said I would be driving so can take us all up. Theyve also tried to poke and prod me into having a drink because "why not" and even arranged alternative lift with one of their DP so I can "have a drink and enjoy myself"

1. My own mother said it would spoil a prosecco tour that everybody wants to do on a group holiday in Budapest in April and that a couple would do me "no harm"

I havent told ANYBODY about the secret drinking (I was maybe having a bottle of wine 3-4 times a week) and they maybe thought it was just at the weekend. I do however, have a hard time stopping once I have had one, so I want to avoid being in that situation.

But why on earth is it anybodys business to try and persuade someone to change their mind?

This is the most difficult part for me in this journey. Everybody who isn't AF just cant fathom how somebody cant drink at events etc.

Absolutely agree. I don't drink at all and people look at me like I have two heads when I say this. However when I say I vape (to give up smoking) I am absolutely vilified. It's a very British thing.
We lived abroad for years, the British attitude to boasting about drinking yourself into a stupor, doing extremely embarrassing and stupid things while drunk, spending a day hungover with your head down a toilet vomiting etc is very much looked down on in some other countries.

Well done, giving up completely is very hard

YANBU at all. People are absolutely ridiculous about alcohol in this country.

@Meagainnewname it would be best if you post your own new thread maybe in the Relationships forum.

Apologies
I’ve deleted my reply now, I thought I’d started a new thread unfortunately I hadn’t
I’m still trying to figure this out

@Meagainnewname no worries just didn't want your post to go unanswered!

I'm not AF but my partner is, and I'm happy not to drink, plus I live in a village and usually drive to events and I won't even drink one of I'm driving.

I do have one friend who pushes and pushes, "just half a glass, just tip some from mine so you don't have to pay for it, you're still allowed one even if you're driving" etc. It does my head in and ruins an evening when I was perfectly happy with my AF drink.

I think with her she genuinely worries I'm not having a good time (I would be, if she would shut up).

The key is actually to distance yourself from those people I'm afraid. People who think "a cheeky prosecco" is a thing, or a glass of wine to "wind down" etc. They're simply not my tribe.

I was accused of thinking I'm better than other people simply for saying no to a drink.

I've had to justify not drinking several times in my life, everyone expects a reason why I don't. I have a reason, but I refuse to share it.

It's weird, I've never had to justify anything else I don't do in the same way.

Imagine all the things you DON'T do and being questioned like not drinking..

"What do you mean you don't kick kittens? Just kick one, it won't hurt"

"How can you not electrocute dolphins? Everyone electrocutes dolphins? Maybe you just haven't found a dolphin you enjoy electrocuting?"

"If you just kick a Rhino in the balls once, you'll not mind kicking the Rhino after that"

"You don't whip gorillas? You're no fun then.. I whip gorillas every night me.."

Both sides of our family are social drinkers. Me and DH can take it or leave it. Nobody ever pressures us. If they ask and I don't want to, I'll literally just say "No, I don't fancy drinking tonight" Did you announce that you aren't drinking anymore? Maybe that's what's invited the comments, unfortunately. People shouldn't push obviously.
It's the same principle as meat eating in a way. My DS always gets asks if he misses meat and there's always a fuss from people when there's a BBQ/family dinner "But what will he eat?!!" Meanwhile I've not really eaten any meat for a year and nobody has noticed or passed comment, because I haven't announced myself a vegetarian.
I wouldn't announce myself as tee total, I'd probably just say "I'll see how I feel on the night" Then drive anyway.

Well, all three of them sound like a pain, but that's their problem in the end!
I stopped drinking a couple of years ago and was actually surprised how accepting people were - perhaps I was a bit older than you though (51). I might also have been a more obvious heavy drinker than you so people could see I was doing a good thing, and supported it.
You just have to stick to your guns - don't make a big thing of not drinking; just keep choosing the N/A drinks. Some people are uncomfortable with others not drinking, but they'll have to get used to it, and they will. Good luck.

I'm sure you know this already OP but drinking isn't advisable for people with thyroid diseases, so you wouldn't even have to lie to say you shouldn't be getting drunk. If you can't trust yourself to have just a couple a week without wanting to carry on then you really shouldn't be drinking at all. It's great that you've recognised that and stopped.

It's ridiculous to have to stand up for yourself when you're actually doing the right thing. People can be so weird about eating and drinking together - like you're being 'boring' if you don't eat a dessert bigger than your own head or snort tequila!

Your DM in particular needs to remember that your health is more important than other people's fun. Maybe you need to explain your reasoning to her?

Well done, stand your ground. I had to give up drinking as i loved vodka too much. Others will push you because they need everyone around them drinking to make their addiction normal. Don't waste your life, stay sober.

How old are you? In my experience this is something which is really common in your 20s/30s and as you get older there's just not the same attitude to it. I'm in my early 50s and hardly drink at all any more, totally happy to be the designated driver, or have a soft drink. Many of my friends are simillar, our days of getting rat arsed and having to be poured into a taxi are long gone.

So many people don't drink, including for cultural or religious reasons. What sort of community does someone live in if people 'look at them as if they have two heads', when they say they don't drink. Surely that's an exaggeration.

Of the three examples you give, the first one is by far the worst and could be considered harassment.

If the people in your life are being so pushy about this, the only solution is to change your entourage. There are many people out there who drink very little or not at all. To be honest someone who doesn't accept "I don't want to drink" as a full sentence and asks you to justify yourself is not really a true friend.

I never justify my not-drinking these days. Wherever I am, if someone offers a drink I just say "No, thanks" and refuse any further explanation.

Sadly people are very insecure about people stopping an activity they still enjoy. They take it as a personal judgement on them. Even if they don't know that's what they're doing.
Ignore them. Stop justifying, explaining, excusing, just ignore them and carry on. If they really get on your wick ask them. Why does it bother you so much? Go on the offensive with lots of questions, you may have to accept you'll lose friends over this
But well done

They just want to justify their own need for alcohol by making you join them. I’ve been accused of being boring and “I’m going to get you drunk…” many times. The truth is that I’m not boring and I don’t want to drink - it’s as simple as that. Stick to your guns but know how you feel.

Former / recovering alcoholic here.

For context, man, aged 55.

My story is very long but basically: big drinker, all my life. Was drinking 8 pint cans of lager (and wine sometimes instead plus the odd spirit) every night - yes, EVERY night! - for weeks, months, years on end. 100-150 units per week (safe level is 14). Gave up with help of Smart Recovery in 2013, but relapsed and was back on it by 2015. Gave up again in Feb 2020 after being hospitalised for lung infection (which might have been early Covid) but the pandemic brought on my depression and made me go back on again (yes I know). Early 2023 was really bad, overweight, lower back pain, depression (had stopped the Sertraline, back on now), so in May I went off sick for a month and sorted myself out. Sober now for 10 months. Had liver test in July 23 and it was clear! I was convinced it I had cirrhosis or at least fatty liver, due to the amount I'd put away for so long. But - no. Total life changing moment. Feel great now, have lost weight, back pain gone and feeling better all round. Still in recovery so watchful of the signs of relapse - but with this liver all-clear, don't want to compromise that.

My takeaways:

1. Being 'out' about your sobriety earns respect and stops people badgering you.
2. The range of non-a drinks available these days is great and they taste fantastic, e.g. Lucky Saint beer. There is a pub in Weymouth that ONLY serves non-a stuff.
3. Life without booze is WONDERFUL. If you feel it is dragging you down, and can't stop - get help. AA if you feel it would work but Smart Recovery worked for me as it says booze does not control you, YOU are in charge, YOU make the decisions - very empowering!
4. Everyone is different so my advice won't be for all.
5. It's a lovely day.
6. It really is.
7. Even if it is cold and damp.

Jsx

@Jevarakh thank you for being so open! And you've made a great achievement, I'm glad you've got your life back. Kudos to you. 🙌

I gave up drinking about a year ago, kind of for health reasons. If you’re open and honest, most people are really interested especially when out at parties etc. and it starts making them think they should/can reduce their intake without limiting fun.

I think if it’s quite recent that you’ve given up then people may not be taking it seriously. Also if people don’t know you were secretly drinking (sorry but a bottle of wine 4 nights a week to me is an alcoholic) then they won’t see drinking as a problem. If people knew that alcohol was such an issue for you o think they would be more supportive. Most addicts do it in secret by the way, I think it’s quite scary that you didn’t realise that that is alcoholism.

I just tell people "I no longer drink". Much easier and cuts out the unnecessary and unwelcome comments.

What age category do you fall into?? I’m late 40s and have never drank since my teen days when I realised alcohol didn’t agree with me. It always makes be sick or triggers my IBS and I hate the feeling when you’re head goes. In my 20s-30s people did seem to make a bit of a fuss and comment. But my friends know and never really mention it.

As for the Prosecco tour. Still do it. I went to the black sheep brewery for a tour. It was interesting. I did taste a couple (sip) but it just confirmed that I don’t like beer. But it didn’t ruin the trip. I’ve also done a cocktail making session for a hen party. I made some proper cocktails but they also had a mocktail for me to make and drink.

It’s no one’s business. From what I’ve heard the younger generation are less of a drinking generation than those before them.

I gave up alcohol a few years ago for similar reasons to you.

I haven’t come up as much of this as you seem to be doing. Most of the people in my life who knew me when I drank are very glad I’ve stopped!

As others have said, the people who don’t get it/push you, tend to be, IME, being defensive about their own worries about their own alcohol consumption or just don’t understand why some people can’t moderate - I see the latter in older people I know.

I still find it a little awkward telling new people in my life that I don’t drink. If it’s people I don’t know well or who I won’t see often, I tend just to brush it over, driving etc. I don’t want people to feel awkward about their own alcohol drinking or that they can’t drink around me etc, which I’m fully comfortable with. With people who I’m on track to becoming friends with I just say “it’s not for me, I don’t get on well with it so thought it better for me to stop completely, but absolutely no issue with being around others who do drink”. Most people are totally cool with that.

when they’re not, and they’re someone new in my life, I just brush it off. They’re either looking for a drinking buddy or I’ve touched a nerve with their issues. So odds are, we’re unlikely to become close. If it’s someone closer to me, I’d just calmly explain my position again and ask them to respect it. If they couldn’t we’d probably have issues, but that’s not happened to me so far.

well done you for making such a positive change for yourself anyway. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks and pay no heed to those who can’t be supportive or just don’t get it.