Society's attitude to sobriety

[ellie09]

I went alcohol free after New Year. Decided that alcohol was no longer for me.

I wasnt an alcoholic but I was on a slippery slope. I live alone with DS and would have spent evenings drinking secretly and many mornings feeling hungover, groggy etc. I also had horrible drunk experiences with alcohol.

It has been going really well. I found an AF red wine I really enjoy and have substituted having this a couple nights a week. My energy, mental health, everything has improved.

Its everybody else's attitude I am struggling with. For example:

1. Its somebodys leaving do at work on Friday and this person has begged and begged me to "please have a drink". I have consistently told them no as I am driving, but in the end had to make up some BS about being on antibiotics

1. Friends have planned a get together at a spa. I said I would be driving so can take us all up. Theyve also tried to poke and prod me into having a drink because "why not" and even arranged alternative lift with one of their DP so I can "have a drink and enjoy myself"

1. My own mother said it would spoil a prosecco tour that everybody wants to do on a group holiday in Budapest in April and that a couple would do me "no harm"

I havent told ANYBODY about the secret drinking (I was maybe having a bottle of wine 3-4 times a week) and they maybe thought it was just at the weekend. I do however, have a hard time stopping once I have had one, so I want to avoid being in that situation.

But why on earth is it anybodys business to try and persuade someone to change their mind?

This is the most difficult part for me in this journey. Everybody who isn't AF just cant fathom how somebody cant drink at events etc.

First of all well done, you've made a positive decision for yourself and sounds like you're much better for it. I think we do have a bit of a messed up relationship with alcohol in this country and people should really just accept it if someone says they're not drinking anymore without it having to be for a reason like driving or medication. Stick to your guns!
Also you could consider telling people you're close to like your mum the whole situation? They might be a bit more understanding then and there's no shame in it

Chatting to a friend abut an upcoming family wedding

Me: 'this will be the first big event I have been to since I stopped drinking'

Friend: 'you could have a couple of glasses of wine though'

Me: 'I have stopped drinking. It's been 3 years now'

Friend: 'yeah but a glass of wine won't hurt'

I changed the subject becsue I was looking for an 'oh you will be alright' type comment but all I got was 'just drink'

Society expects you to drink. People don't get it when you say no.

I'm also fat and have lost count of the times I have heard 'ah go on, treat yourself' when choosing not to have cake with my coffee. No, no I do not want to consume something that has led me into serious health problems ffs

@ellie09 cheers () for that. don't live near a large Tesco but will hunt some down!

I work in a place that serves alcohol and witnessed what I thought was a really good response, a man at the bar was trying to talk another guy in to having a beer instead of the coke he ordered, the guy politely declined a couple of times and then said
"Why does me not drinking a beer bother you so much? I'm not saying you shouldn't, I'm saying I'm not?"
Cue lots of bluster and 'It doesn't bother me mate, I just wanted to buy you a drink"
"Well you can, I'll have a coke, are you ok? Seems a strong reaction to someone else's choice of drink?"
More bluster and he ordered the coke and shut up about it.
The guy stood his round and bought the rest beers but had a coke himself. No one said anything to him after that exchange and the others bought him a coke without a comment.

I liked the way he turned it around back to be their problem, not his, pointing out that his choice of drink really doesn't affect anyone else.

I don’t drink because it doesn’t agree with me, but I haven’t been able to find something decent to replace it. Apart from Tanqueray no gin perhaps.

People do seem to be surprised and rather offended when you say you don’t drink and try to persuade you to ‘just have a small one.’ I didn’t stop because I thought I might drink too much. In fact I drank very little, but I stopped because even one glass had an adverse effect.

YANBU - I have just gone a month alcohol free and last weekend we were invited to our friends' house, where we would usually all have a good dinner and drink. I told my friend that I wouldn't be drinking but that I would bring my own drinks, and she said "oh no let's reschedule, you have to be able to have a drink with me". I honestly think if I give up permanently then our friendship would end, which is sad.

We see it here on MN: you must be boring at parties, yawn, etc.

Really, I have never seen this. You must have to really look for it to find it.

Most people like a drink. They think you’re missing out.
Same with avoiding cake, when watching your weight.
Or offering meat, meat when you’re vegetarian/ vegan.

Stick with what you’re doing, well done to you!

As I say, it is very strange.

I feel for you OP it is so infuriating, it is really nobody's business whether you drink or not. I currently can't drink more than a glass or two due to medication and the amount of prodding comments I've had about oh go on one more hurt. Assumptions I'm pregnant (when I haven't bothered with the one). People telling me it's no fun they can't wait for my medication to finish up etc. Its so annoying, I haven't been a big drinker for years, its not like I'm sneaking off home at 8pm because I can't stay out without a drink etc.

First of all well done for recognising the slippery slope and putting the brakes on it.
secondly, stand your ground and just tell people you don't drink. End of conversation.
A close friend of mine went down the slippery slope and is now sadly a chronic alcoholic and now at the stage of needing professional intervention. Unfortunately he refuses to engage and I fear he won't be around much longer x

Oh thats really sad! I hope he will be OK.

I can see why alcoholism is so easy to slip into. Mine was to mask emotions and cope with an abusive relationship originally. And it escalated as I then used it as a way to cope with all stress.

I started reassessing once I had therapy, and the penny dropped.

Ive also been referred for ADHD assessment off the back of my DS which honestly would explain the use of it as a masking mechanism in social situations.

Even now, I dread a full scale social event such as a party or a pub/nightclub. It fills me with anxiety. Luckily I don't have to face these often.

I sympathise but luckily it isn't my experience. I do drink a little but have told people I have been medically advised to strictly limit intake to help minimise balance issues and I find It very hard to just have one, so don't bother at all.
It happens to be true and whilst perhaps wouldn't work on Mum without more info would probably fend off most others (follow up questions answered by "too boring to talk about").
They will get used to it, especially if you are still your normal fun self. They just need to adjust/grow up.

I also realised it was a problem when in the first few weeks of going dry, I suffered really bad insomnia as it felt strange not being drunk or hungover to get to sleep!

Very scary and certainly not something I would want to experience again.

I think you just have to be "I don't drink"
"Some bullshit blah blah random reason you should drink"

"I don't drink"
Repeat as needed

It gets said on here all the time. No need to look hard at all.

I think if your friends and family are really so very persistent about you drinking, you’ve just got to be brutally honest and say you don’t drink any more because alcohol was becoming a big problem for you and you’ve decided to go sober. Or even just say you’re an alcoholic. Surely even the most tactless friend wouldn’t try and persuade an alcoholic to “just have a little glass.”

Been teetotal for many years I find people who really push it don't know who they are without the alcohol and your acting as a mirror to them wether their aware of that or not
It's almost like your choice is a judgment on them and what they can't over come

I lost alot of people round me who didn't know how to act or social without drink, base line was didn't know who they were outside of work/drink
Pub culture is the worse they all group together to drink but are all separate in own foggy worlds under the pretence its a "socal gathering"

I think the earlier suggestion about saying you've discovered you're allergic to it / or that it worsens your existing conditions is the way to go.

Hard to argue with, and avoids getting into an unnecessary conversation about your relationship with alcohol.

And if they persist - I would absolutely turn it back around on them and ask why they are so bothered by it.

I have just finished dry Jan and think that I will be drinking a lot less going forward - so need to take my own advice too!

YANBU, but it has improved immensely over the last 50 years. For example, drink driving is no longer socially acceptable, so people are no longer pressing you to have "one for the road", and I find that on normal social occasions nobody bats an eyelid if I stick to J20 or ask for sparkling water with a restaurant meal. (And I do drink alcohol, just not usually when I'm out. So I don't have a "no alcohol for medical reasons" excuse that I can trot out).

It'll take a while to disentangle the association of drinking from celebration - look at all the birthday cards featuring drinking, and all the birthday or celebration emojis that include a champagne bottle.

I hear you, it's annoying.

I also have up recently, for very similar reasons. Also my marriage ended abruptly and some how I had the self awareness to realise that I can't drink myself through the pain of all of that.

I do think attitudes are improving a bit, at least in my bit of London. Or maybe I have just decided that I honestly don't give a fuck about what anyone else thinks/says about it.

I actually got mum shamed for not drinking early in my pregnancy. My reason was HG, I could barely keep anything down.

My friend was encouraging me to read studies and evidence that permitted drinking when I was struggling to keep my head out of the toilet bowl.

Dh gave up drinking for two years, mostly because he didn’t like feeling hungover and thought he was losing his evenings to alcohol.

He got the most flack from his mum! “Oooh, why on Earth are you giving up wine? I would never do that, how miserable. Don’t you want just a glass? Well how long are going to keep this up for?” Etc.

I actually think it is reflecting that person’s own feelings about their drinking and guilt they may have, not really their feelings about you giving up alcohol.

I’m pretty much teetotal and always have been, but I’m American so people don’t give me a hard time on account of being ‘foreign ’. Most of the Brits I know drink a vast amount. It’s a very ingrained part of the culture.

I have a couple of friends like this- so tedious. One friend grumbled the other day that I didn’t have a glass of wine at the cinema - honestly why would it matter to her whether I’m having wine or a soft drink when we’re watching a bloody film!

It’s very common on MN, you don’t have to look hard.