Society's attitude to sobriety

[ellie09]

I went alcohol free after New Year. Decided that alcohol was no longer for me.

I wasnt an alcoholic but I was on a slippery slope. I live alone with DS and would have spent evenings drinking secretly and many mornings feeling hungover, groggy etc. I also had horrible drunk experiences with alcohol.

It has been going really well. I found an AF red wine I really enjoy and have substituted having this a couple nights a week. My energy, mental health, everything has improved.

Its everybody else's attitude I am struggling with. For example:

1. Its somebodys leaving do at work on Friday and this person has begged and begged me to "please have a drink". I have consistently told them no as I am driving, but in the end had to make up some BS about being on antibiotics

1. Friends have planned a get together at a spa. I said I would be driving so can take us all up. Theyve also tried to poke and prod me into having a drink because "why not" and even arranged alternative lift with one of their DP so I can "have a drink and enjoy myself"

1. My own mother said it would spoil a prosecco tour that everybody wants to do on a group holiday in Budapest in April and that a couple would do me "no harm"

I havent told ANYBODY about the secret drinking (I was maybe having a bottle of wine 3-4 times a week) and they maybe thought it was just at the weekend. I do however, have a hard time stopping once I have had one, so I want to avoid being in that situation.

But why on earth is it anybodys business to try and persuade someone to change their mind?

This is the most difficult part for me in this journey. Everybody who isn't AF just cant fathom how somebody cant drink at events etc.

I'm in Northern Ireland and we have quite a big drinking culture here, although we do have lots of AF options in bars etc. Mostly beers.

Our bars close earlier than mainland so it promotes more drinking as much as you can in the least time etc.

I might be quite a bit older than you (61), but in my circle, if someone says they have stopped drinking it's usually greeted with 'well done'. I go dry for Lent every year, and my friends are used to it, but one did start off saying 'you're no fun' etc. What she wanted was someone to drink with - she does drink far too much (at least a bottle a day).
And as you never know if someone may be in recovery, no one would dare push anyone 'to have just one'. Shame on your friends (and mother!) that they can't accept you trying to be healthier.

I'm not sure you can blame them for not respecting your decision to quit if you haven't told them that you've decided to quit. You don't have to tell them the whole truth, but you do have to tell them that you've quit for health reasons, and that because you're not good at having "just the one" then you need it to be absolute.

@ellie09 let me know the red wine you've found. I love red wine but I don't want to be consuming alcohol every time I fancy one.

People are just odd.

I am aware this happens as I no longer drink, yet have friends who keep on at me all the time. They say how boring it is!

One even tried to put a sneaky vodka in my soft drink!!!!

One of my friends drinks about a bottle and a half of wine every night at home and then much much more when she goes out. And she criticises me for not drinking. It's recently causing an issue in our relationship!

If you were trying to give up smoking, surely someone wouldn't be putting a cigarette under your nose to try to get you to have one?

Just say, quite firmly, "for health reasons I can no longer drink". Don't give them any more reason!

Not drinking is so not unusual now that I'm surprised that people still have this experience. Just be firm, most get used to it, some will persist. It'll also bother you less when you've been doing it longer

Believe it or not it was the Tesco own brand Cabinet Tempranillo. Only £3.25 as well and it lasts me 3 nights. Its a bot sweeter than what I am used to but it is lovely and the smell is just like red wine.

It's a them not a you problem HOWEVER I don't think it helps drawing attention to it. Why do people already know you won't be drinking at an event in April?! Just say on the day. Much easier.

Saying so far in advance just makes it a bigger deal than it is.

Yeah I will likely just make comment that "I can no longer drink due to health reasons" as I already have health issues they are aware of - hashimotos and MS

I had to let my mum know so she could book the non alcoholic option for me online, but that was the only reason why she was told. So money etc wasnt wasted and there wasnt a mix up once there.

Agree completely and I struggle with this as I just don’t like the acid feeling I get when I drink it, it doesn’t agree with my stomach and I hate the groggy hangover feeling I have after just one or two glasses. I have small kids so no laying in bed getting over it, and I’d rather spend quality time with my kids.

Much rather do an afternoon tea or a nice meal than drink. But get the same responses as you.

Be honest wih your friends and mum, you aren’t drinking because you don’t want to and you feel you were previously drinking too much. End of.

its a choice.

I don’t drink any more. Haven’t got about 18 months now as I was just using it to block out my shit life for a few hours every night.

I don’t have any fiends though, so I’m not invited anywhere, but I can see how it would be an issue. Lots of people like to drink and they like other people to join in with them.

One even tried to put a sneaky vodka in my soft drink!!!!

I've cut out 5 friends over the years for this. It's unreal that grown adults think it's an acceptable thing to do.

I've never drank alcohol. Both of my parents were alcoholics and I have a very addictive personality (at one point as a teen I was consuming 3 litres of Irn Bru a day and had headaches for a week when I stopped drinking it!) so I decided very young to never risk it.

I'd had the 'just have one' brigade. The 'its boring if you don't' brigade. The drink spikers. But people do get used to it and in time you find the people who are your actual friends don't care if you drink or not.

I suppose it depends on the severity. If the people around you are holding you back and actively trying to sabotage your choices, damage your health, and make you feel inadequate then sometimes finding new people really is the answer. Not saying it’s the right decision for the OP, but I’d certainly bin anyone in my life and try to get far away from anyone who tried to sneak something into my drink without me noticing, as some posters have said has happened.

There is a big thing about people not drinking, and its really weird.

I do drink, but at least 4 of my friends never drink, and it's never been an issue. We meet up for meals and see each other socially, so theres no problem.

I would perhaps just say "I've managed Dry January, and I'm challenging myself to see how far I can get as I'm really enjoying how I'm feeling?" and perhaps leave it at that?

BTW, When I did Dry Jan last year I discovered Kylie Minogue 0% alcohol rose - it's absolutely delicious. Most alcohol free wines are utter shite, but I really really enjoyed that and I regularly drink it now, instead of a glass of "proper" wine on a Friday/Sat night

The thing is, right now, there's so many good non-alcoholic versions of beers/ciders, its much easier to go tee-total than its ever been before.

Just say, quite firmly, "for health reasons I can no longer drink". Don't give them any more reason!

Why? No explanation is needed. 'Would you like a drink'? = 'no thanks'

The comments from your Mum about it being a buzzkill for others is the standard response from others who can only enjoy themselves when drunk, and think that those not drinking them are judging them for their choices. I do drink occasionally, but not a big drinker and have had a lot of this over the years. Why should others care so much what I am doing.

The U.K. is obsessed with alcohol and dogs!

I stopped drinking because I don’t like the taste, I only like cocktails and then it’s mainly for the sugar. Also when you drink so infrequently you can feel it more, so I just don’t bother. I can see the side eyes at work like I’m a raging alcoholic trying to quit. I’m really not, I just don’t like it.

Your OP is interesting though and if this is how you are communicating in real life, it may partially explain some of the response you are getting.

By this I mean you start your OP by stating emphatically you are not an alcoholic but are giving up alcohol as a lifestyle choice. But you then go on to describe how you drink which is textbook alcoholism!

If you were being honest with those close to you that you have an alcohol abuse issue and that total abstinence is the only way you can address this because you are unable to moderate your drinking, I think you would be coming under less pressure to just have one as alcoholism is widely understood whereas “Dry January” etc are regarded as more faddy.

Ultimately though the decision not to drink is yours alone and you don’t have to let anyone browbeat you into having a drink if you don’t want one. If you don’t want to say that you have alcohol problems you just need to be pretty blunt with people and tell them you aren’t drinking any longer and they should mind their own business about why not and stop trying to force you into it. If you are also driving to events it’s unlikely that anyone will spike your soft drink with vodka whether or not they agree with your decision to abstain.

I know people like this, who take offence when someone isn’t drinking. I find it so frustrating, I don’t know whether it’s because they feel a bit guilty about their own alcohol consumption and therefore judged?

Im not teetotal, but I very rarely have a drink. And yes people do react badly when I order something non alcoholic, I just don’t understand it.

It’s the same with food though - if I turn down a biscuit at work I get all the “oh, just one won’t hurt you, come on, treat yourself”.

19-year-old DS in uni is managing to drink only non-alcoholic beer, so it is possible. He is doing a punishing course and needs to keep a clear head, so he says.

I think it's because people have become so judgemental about everything that they take someone else making a different choice to them - food, alcohol, childcare, anything - as an almost personal attack. By doing different you are suggesting they are doing wrong.

It's very tedious.

I say I am allergic to alcohol. I have the Asian gene and a very low tolerance to alcohol.
I actually prefer to drink water or tonic water and lemon.

I think if friends and family are used to you drinking, even in moderation, at events it can sort of throw them off at first when all of a sudden you’re not drinking at all. People get used to their role, your role etc and when something changes it can be weird. It can make them feel judged even, because suddenly you’re not doing what they expect or what they do.

After they get used to you being teetotal it won’t be an issue. That will be the new normal. Just stick to your guns and explain to them this is your choice and it won’t impact them having fun.