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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP told his son to move in without discussion

130 replies

Unknown987 · 31/01/2024 16:53

Hi
I need to know if it's me?
My partner moved in with me and my 2DD - he has 2 ds but live with mum. No talk was ever had about us all living together as that would have affected my decision living together and as DS were 13 and 17 when we met I was told it would be weekend and holiday stays for which we set up a room for them to chill in.
fast forward 3.5 years we have our own DD too in mix (baring in mind we live in a 3 bed).
I have just found out I am unexpectedly pregnant which has thrown me. I cried to my DP how I feel stuck and it is too much and I can't cope - the next day he screen shots a convo with his DS 16 telling him an hour AFTER our convo why does g be move in to ours and how we can help him sort his life out - he has been kicked out of school in year 11 for drugs alcohol and generally shitty behaviour. Any suggestions I made at that time were dismissed (I work in an all boys school teaching GCSE subjects so I know a fair few things in that department) by both his parents.
now 3 months later I am told by screen shot!! That he is moving in and in effect I am to cater for him like I do for our other kids. His parenting is completely different to mine and he has said he expects my parenting to fix him on the straight and narrow which I do not feel is something I am up to doing. For context he does not parent my girls including our DD as I do not agree with his parenting methods.
when I broached it with him he said I'm always angry and it's his son he can decide what he wants.
AIBU to expect he should have at least discussed it with me??
I told him the only way forward is for him to move out and live with his son and we can parent our own individually.
he is saying I am over reacting and having a mental breakdown and I need him.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 31/01/2024 16:56

That's not ok.

It's ok obviously that he wants his son to live with him but without any discussion and expecting you to become the parent and sort the kid out when both his actual parents can't? He's taking the piss.

You need to tell him there is no way you are going to parent their child instead of them. It won't be happening.

CucumberBagel · 31/01/2024 16:56

Can't imagine why his first partner split with him...

IWishIUnderstood · 31/01/2024 16:59

I mean he definitely should've discussed it with you but there's a lot to unpick here.

No talk was ever had about us all living together as that would have affected my decision living together and as DS were 13 and 17 when we met I was told it would be weekend and holiday stays for which we set up a room for them to chill in.

I don't think either of you should've decided they'd never come to live with you, as they're his kids and there's always a chance they might want to live with their other parent.

Then there's the fact you don't let him parent his own daughter?? And now you're pregnant again.

I think you're right, he needs to move out with his previous DC.

IncompleteSenten · 31/01/2024 16:59

Him moving out is 100% the right decision.

Tell him that since he believes you are having a mental breakdown then he is an exceptionally cruel person to want to add more stress to your life by telling you to sort his wayward son out when neither he nor his ex have been able to do so.

AutumnFroglets · 31/01/2024 16:59

He's a partner, not husband. He moved into yours. The answer is very simple.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 31/01/2024 17:00

Your decision for him moving out is spot on. You are not married (thankfully in this case). I'd be very clear his son is not moving in, and he also needs to be making alternative arrangements for living. You want your own space back.

id also be seriously considering if you wanted to carry on with your existing pregnancy.

cheddercherry · 31/01/2024 17:00

It’s surely still your house though? He’d be out quicker than he could say “screenshot” if it was me. He sounds like a useless father to begin with without taking on his other messed up kids. I mean you’re expected to have his son bringing his drugs (and the “mates” that come with it) and all that behaviour around a newborn and small children? No, get them both as far from you and your kids as possible.

Notimeforaname · 31/01/2024 17:01

told him the only way forward is for him to move out and live with his son and we can parent our own individually.

This is perfect. Stick to your guns.

cheddercherry · 31/01/2024 17:01

Oh, and from what you’ve written on his parenting the only thing you “need” him to do is close the door on his way out.

Ladyj84 · 31/01/2024 17:01

Your both in the wrong and why have more children when you cant agree in parenting poor kids stuck in the middle

Sapphire387 · 31/01/2024 17:01

It's not up to you to get his son on the straight and narrow. You have... three of your own and another on the way? You have enough on your plate.

MatildaTheCat · 31/01/2024 17:02

So it’s your house and you aren’t married?

In your position I’d think very carefully about this new pregnancy and then think carefully about what you want from this relationship. The fact that he doesn’t parent your shared child implies you are unlikely to be effective parents jointly to your own child let alone the others.

He doesn’t get to invite his son to live in your house and certainly can’t get his own way by telling you you can’t cope without him. I reckon you might cope very well without this aggravation.

DaIIie · 31/01/2024 17:03

I think he's definitely right. On the decision to move himself the fuck out.

anyolddinosaur · 31/01/2024 17:03

Do you actually want to have another baby with him, or was your "I cant cope" your way of saying you wanted an abortion?

No he doesnt get to just decide his son is moving into your home without discussing it with you.

Original poster
Unknown987 · 31/01/2024 17:04

IWishIUnderstood · 31/01/2024 16:59

I mean he definitely should've discussed it with you but there's a lot to unpick here.

No talk was ever had about us all living together as that would have affected my decision living together and as DS were 13 and 17 when we met I was told it would be weekend and holiday stays for which we set up a room for them to chill in.

I don't think either of you should've decided they'd never come to live with you, as they're his kids and there's always a chance they might want to live with their other parent.

Then there's the fact you don't let him parent his own daughter?? And now you're pregnant again.

I think you're right, he needs to move out with his previous DC.

This was a convo he had with me hence why he moved into my space and me not his. His parenting style is to give into the child's wants no disciple no routine hence why I override his parenting techniques to avoid having a spoilt brat as a child. The unwanted pregnancy is an accident and another issue altogether but hormones aside I asked if it was me or him? He definitely should live with his DS as I would want any child to if that's the choice they made. It's more the lack of communication and expectation on my part.

OP posts:
Greenpolkadot · 31/01/2024 17:04

What a wanker

Original poster
Unknown987 · 31/01/2024 17:06

anyolddinosaur · 31/01/2024 17:03

Do you actually want to have another baby with him, or was your "I cant cope" your way of saying you wanted an abortion?

No he doesnt get to just decide his son is moving into your home without discussing it with you.

I don't want another baby. Especially with him. Yes that was what the convo was about indirectly

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 31/01/2024 17:10

I think your first step is to say to DP 'I need you to move out whilst I decide what I want to do over this unplanned pregnancy. I won't be housing your son; it's unreasonable to expect me to cope with his drug issues and I'm certainly not inflicting them on my DC. I'm not 'having a mental breakdown', I don't need you in my house and you have until the weekend to get your stuff and find somewhere to crash'.

It's your house. Kick him out.

IncompleteSenten · 31/01/2024 17:18

Don't have a baby you don't want.
It's not fair to you, your existing children or the baby.

Ihatethenewlook · 31/01/2024 17:21

I know you’re not meant to say this on mn but I definitely think not continuing with the pregnancy is the right decision, as well as him moving out with son. Then you’ll have the space to decide whether you want to continue the relationship but just living apart

AutumnFroglets · 31/01/2024 17:32

Unknown987 · 31/01/2024 17:06

I don't want another baby. Especially with him. Yes that was what the convo was about indirectly

Show quote history

Fortunately, at this time, you don't need his approval or signature to have an abortion. It is your choice alone. If you really couldn't cope I would suggest dealing with this as soon as possible, even if it's only for counselling. It's time sensitive so make it your priority. I'm so sorry you feel this trapped by it.

Ask him for space and get him to leave. You could even suggest it's temporary rather than permanent for now.

Flowers
Daleksatemyshed · 31/01/2024 18:23

So he's another Disney Dad who lets his DC behave as they like- no wonder his DS has gone off the rails= DC need boundaries, they need to feel safe, and letting them do as they like never ends well. Save yourself Op, get him to leave, if he won't go then call the Police. I know it's harsh but he's not a good parent and now he expects you to sort it, too late for that

ZekeZeke · 31/01/2024 19:03

OP you sound like you have your head on your shoulders.

anyolddinosaur · 31/01/2024 19:16

Abortion is entirely your choice - and as it's your home you can tell him he needs to move out. You have enough to deal with already without a troubled teenager in a too small house.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 31/01/2024 19:21

AutumnFroglets · 31/01/2024 16:59

He's a partner, not husband. He moved into yours. The answer is very simple.

This.

I’m also concerned about the gaslighting and saying you are having a mental breakdown because you disagree with his twattish behaviour. Be careful with this op, you might need some outside help.

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