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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP told his son to move in without discussion

130 replies

Unknown987 · 31/01/2024 16:53

Hi
I need to know if it's me?
My partner moved in with me and my 2DD - he has 2 ds but live with mum. No talk was ever had about us all living together as that would have affected my decision living together and as DS were 13 and 17 when we met I was told it would be weekend and holiday stays for which we set up a room for them to chill in.
fast forward 3.5 years we have our own DD too in mix (baring in mind we live in a 3 bed).
I have just found out I am unexpectedly pregnant which has thrown me. I cried to my DP how I feel stuck and it is too much and I can't cope - the next day he screen shots a convo with his DS 16 telling him an hour AFTER our convo why does g be move in to ours and how we can help him sort his life out - he has been kicked out of school in year 11 for drugs alcohol and generally shitty behaviour. Any suggestions I made at that time were dismissed (I work in an all boys school teaching GCSE subjects so I know a fair few things in that department) by both his parents.
now 3 months later I am told by screen shot!! That he is moving in and in effect I am to cater for him like I do for our other kids. His parenting is completely different to mine and he has said he expects my parenting to fix him on the straight and narrow which I do not feel is something I am up to doing. For context he does not parent my girls including our DD as I do not agree with his parenting methods.
when I broached it with him he said I'm always angry and it's his son he can decide what he wants.
AIBU to expect he should have at least discussed it with me??
I told him the only way forward is for him to move out and live with his son and we can parent our own individually.
he is saying I am over reacting and having a mental breakdown and I need him.

OP posts:
SoreAndTired1 · 02/02/2024 13:40

Anahenzaris · 02/02/2024 13:23

OP you need legal advice.

in my country (not UK) a religious wedding would mean you are in a de facto relationship with the clearly expressed intent of being as if you were married. Simply living together as a couple and having multiple children would do the same. While you would not need a divorce, property settlement, custody etc would be no different.

There’s a lot of people advising you kick him out. Do you have that legal right? Here - you can’t kick your husband out of his own home. And it is likely legally to be seen as his home if you didn’t have a binding legal agreement to the contrary.

If people let go of the righteous indignation they would see why that pretty much has to be the case. When a couple marry, or adopt a marriage-like relationship (as you did, when you got married according to the rights of your/his culture) co-habitation is common. It’s not appropriate to consider the spouse that moves in a permanent guest or boarder. You aren’t his landlord - you are his wife. He isn’t your tenant - he is your husband.

You can certainly ask him to move out, but I question whether you have the legal right to evict him absent a settlement agreement.

As I said - get proper legal advice.

Show quote history

In the UK, there is no such thing as a DeFacto marriage or Common Law wife/husband. He has ZERO legal standing, especially if it was her house and he is not listed on the deeds and it's in her name only. A religious ceremony is just make-believe and no more legal than a tv soap 'marriage'. It holds less than zero weighting because it's not real. Basically, he is little more than a live-in boyfriend. He has no rights at all, and she can, and should, kick him out of her house. There is nothing to settle. He's only her boyfriend and it's not his house or property.

Fraaahnces · 02/02/2024 16:47

@Justcallmebebes - My son is the same age and I can assure you that while not fully adult, 16 is NOT just a child. This is a youth with drug and behavioural problems. His darling Daddy isn’t planning on stepping up and parenting him - he wants OP to. No… He expects her to. Because his dad is a wet wipe of a human he will probably be making plans already to move in with OP and her gaslighting, cheating, misogynist partner. He will definitely play them off against each other to get away with doing everything he damn well wants to and forming a buddy/buddy alliance to work against her. Why on earth shouldn’t he be told that his behaviours and habits are the reason it is not appropriate for him to move into her home, creating extra work for OP and leaving her little children vulnerable? It’s her choice entirely. Yes I think it’s appropriate. Yes, I think he AND dad need to be told. (And dad binned.)

anyolddinosaur · 03/02/2024 09:29

Do you live in the uk? If so the religious marriage does not give him any legal right to stay and you can kick him out. I read only your posts so cant see anything saying you dont want an abortion for religious reasons.

Pumpkinpie1 · 03/02/2024 09:41

It sounds like you have more reasons to split than stay together OP . Don’t let an unwanted pregnancy tie you to this man

YerArseInParsley · 05/07/2024 00:06

Unknown987 · 31/01/2024 16:53

Hi
I need to know if it's me?
My partner moved in with me and my 2DD - he has 2 ds but live with mum. No talk was ever had about us all living together as that would have affected my decision living together and as DS were 13 and 17 when we met I was told it would be weekend and holiday stays for which we set up a room for them to chill in.
fast forward 3.5 years we have our own DD too in mix (baring in mind we live in a 3 bed).
I have just found out I am unexpectedly pregnant which has thrown me. I cried to my DP how I feel stuck and it is too much and I can't cope - the next day he screen shots a convo with his DS 16 telling him an hour AFTER our convo why does g be move in to ours and how we can help him sort his life out - he has been kicked out of school in year 11 for drugs alcohol and generally shitty behaviour. Any suggestions I made at that time were dismissed (I work in an all boys school teaching GCSE subjects so I know a fair few things in that department) by both his parents.
now 3 months later I am told by screen shot!! That he is moving in and in effect I am to cater for him like I do for our other kids. His parenting is completely different to mine and he has said he expects my parenting to fix him on the straight and narrow which I do not feel is something I am up to doing. For context he does not parent my girls including our DD as I do not agree with his parenting methods.
when I broached it with him he said I'm always angry and it's his son he can decide what he wants.
AIBU to expect he should have at least discussed it with me??
I told him the only way forward is for him to move out and live with his son and we can parent our own individually.
he is saying I am over reacting and having a mental breakdown and I need him.

@Unknown987

So, what's happened since?

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