DP told his son to move in without discussion

[Unknown987]

Hi
I need to know if it's me?
My partner moved in with me and my 2DD - he has 2 ds but live with mum. No talk was ever had about us all living together as that would have affected my decision living together and as DS were 13 and 17 when we met I was told it would be weekend and holiday stays for which we set up a room for them to chill in.
fast forward 3.5 years we have our own DD too in mix (baring in mind we live in a 3 bed).
I have just found out I am unexpectedly pregnant which has thrown me. I cried to my DP how I feel stuck and it is too much and I can't cope - the next day he screen shots a convo with his DS 16 telling him an hour AFTER our convo why does g be move in to ours and how we can help him sort his life out - he has been kicked out of school in year 11 for drugs alcohol and generally shitty behaviour. Any suggestions I made at that time were dismissed (I work in an all boys school teaching GCSE subjects so I know a fair few things in that department) by both his parents.
now 3 months later I am told by screen shot!! That he is moving in and in effect I am to cater for him like I do for our other kids. His parenting is completely different to mine and he has said he expects my parenting to fix him on the straight and narrow which I do not feel is something I am up to doing. For context he does not parent my girls including our DD as I do not agree with his parenting methods.
when I broached it with him he said I'm always angry and it's his son he can decide what he wants.
AIBU to expect he should have at least discussed it with me??
I told him the only way forward is for him to move out and live with his son and we can parent our own individually.
he is saying I am over reacting and having a mental breakdown and I need him.

You have no responsibility to provide the day to day care for the son.

it is his father’s home though and therefore the minor son’s home as well. Shifting to spending more time there should never be an issue. It is the son’s house too. If you don’t see it that way, you shouldn’t be living with his father.

This!

You need to gather yourself so that you can have a discussion with your DP.

1. He doesn't get to call the shots on who gets to stay in YOUR home, you do.
2. He should ASK and not ANNOUNCE things, like "Can my DS come to stay?"

Please have a long hard think about whether you actually want to have a baby with this man. He is showing you exactly what he is like right now. Do you think you want to remain tethered to him?

You still have time but have a long hard think about what you want out of this relationship and then tell him what is going to happen.

Your house, presumably you’ve kicked him out?

I told him the only way forward is for him to move out and live with his son and we can parent our own individually.
he is saying I am over reacting and having a mental breakdown and I need him.

What a prince! Yes, he needs to move out. He does not sound like he brings much to your life, and now he wants to impose more on you. The situation with the son would need you both to be on the same page and he has shown you he is not.

Sorry, edited to say he would saw that wouldnt he?

It sounds like he wasn't a grear father that got them here but he is finally making the right decision by stating his very young son has a home with him which means he can come and stay. Period.

You were stupid to be with him if that's not part of the deal you're willing to accept. Sorry because that's more blunt than people usually see it, but come on.

And yes rethink your further choices about kids with this man too.

Kick him the fuck out.

Cheating, disrespectful, freeloading prick.

You are not unreasonable at all. As a pp pointed out, you may need to be more clear and directive (aka use clear, simple repetitive language), that he needs to move out to parent his son. Remove all ambiguity.

When you told him 'The only way forward is for him to move out and live with his son and we can parent our own individually. he is saying I am over reacting and having a mental breakdown and I need him.' He hears a soft discussion that he can barge through and simply make what he wants happen.

You may want to rephrase:
"You need to move out to live with your son. I am giving you 2 weeks notice." Frankly, you may need to start eviction proceedings for him to leave. Thank goodness you did not legally marry this man.

OP, you are absolutely not unreasonable in anything you have said to him. As other pp have suggested, you should seriously re-consider having another child with him--is this really want you want?

You are not having a mental breakdown, don't let him push you around while you are vulnerable and pregnant. I know pregnancy makes everything harder to deal with. Be brave, and please know that you are absolutely in the right.

To be fair to him he does pay his way so not freeloading financially. But in every other sense yes.

If he wants to live with his DS he needs to move out and parent him. It doesn't sound like there's room for his son living with you in YOUR house and he sounds like a bad role model for your DC. You will surely have enough to do with your 3 DC and now a new baby. If he wants you all to live together maybe he can provide a 4 bedroom house to accommodate you all. He's taking the piss. You tell him you're pregnant so he invites his son to move into YOUR house. Bloody cheeky. I'd not tolerate this.

One of his children is also the OP's

No, it's her home. He just lives there. She should get rid of him.

As long as dad lives there, so does the son. She needs to kick dad out to kick out the son. Fully within her purview, but not ok to expect a parent to not bring their child home.

It is your home and you have your kids to think about. They don't need to be around drugs that your DPs son is using.

Your DP had absolutely no right to decide who lives in YOUR home. Your DP sounds like a source of stress tbh. I would tell him to leave whilst you figure things out.

I'm sorry- he said that YOU need HIM?

After he moved into your house, and has abdicated all parenting to you.

Kick him out- you're not even married.

I don't know why you say he isn't parenting, when he clearly is, but just in a different way to you.

Please kick him out ASAP. He really does not see you as an equal, and no, he cannot 'do whatever he wants' in your house.

How far along are you with the pregnancy? Is it early enough to have a termination? You really do not want a child right now with him as a parent.

I’d text a friend that the relationship is over and he’s moving out. Then screenshot it to him.

Kick them both out and end the pregnancy if that’s where your heart is.

From what you’ve said, you’ve probably made the decision to end this relationship and the pregnancy. Realistically, one or both of his ds’s may need to move in with their dad at some stage. However, your home your choice and as you say, this would have affected whether or not you chose to allow him to move in. Had he listened to you about boundaries, things may never have got to this stage. He really doesn’t care about your needs or those of his kids by the sound of it.

the extra info provided by PP was interesting.

You have options and choices to make.

you don’t have to have this baby if you don’t want to. You’d be absolutely justified in making that choice given the situation and how he is as a parent

tell him he needs to move out, to accommodate his son himself, and book the appointment.

you absolutely have full power over what happens in your life and those of your kids

From the title I came on to say he shoukd have discussed it but it is his son so YABU to prevent it.

Til you put he has been kicked out of school for drugs and alcohol. For me that would be a hard nom. You have your own kids to protect and sorry but it is not safe to deliberately bring a drug user into your home.

Your dp needs to move out with his son. End of.

I am in a similar situation although no drugs involved. Dps son has diabetes which he openly admits he doesn't care about and doesn't manage. He is aggressive violent and has self harmed as a result. He is receiving mental health support but his mum has decided she wants him section as she has an 8 year old at home.

Dp wants him to live with us. I have said that needs more discussion as I have a 10 year old and flat out refuse to have her exposed to or put at risk by his sons behaviours.

We have discussed, I have said in principal it is his home too (my house. My mortgage. Dp doesn't pay for house and there is a prenup in place before anyone panics about me). But there will be stringent rules etc. But the point is we have discussed it. Your dp has no right to arbitrarily announce this and then gaslight you over it.

He is an abusive shitbag @Unknown987 and you need to protect you and your girls.

He needs to leave.

Contact women's aid and the police if you think he might turn violent.

yes he should have spoken with you - but he has every bit as much right to have his son live with him as you do to have your daughters (that are not his).

Sorry - but if you live with a partner with children you cannot expect them to not parent because it is not for you. You take on their kids as he’s taken on yours. This should have been discussed before living together - but even then situations change.

When you move your partner into your house it is no longer yours singular. He isn’t a guest - this is his home equally with you.

And while I certainly understand it is not ideal having so many kids in one household - you together have 5 kids with another on the way. Having 4+ of them (all children) living together is not unexpected.

You aren’t unreasonable to expect a conversation, YABU to expect that this means you can exclude his son (while your daughters live there!) because it’s too much for you.

If you had moved into his home - would you accept him telling you your daughters can’t be there?

You can absolutely end the relationship. I would advise your partner to seek legal advice about his rights in a separation. You should likewise seek legal advice.

If you are considering termination, you would be best served by seeking competent counselling from a service that doesn’t push towards or away. And if you make a decision to terminate - you owe your partner a conversation (even if the decision is yours).

OP you need legal advice.

in my country (not UK) a religious wedding would mean you are in a de facto relationship with the clearly expressed intent of being as if you were married. Simply living together as a couple and having multiple children would do the same. While you would not need a divorce, property settlement, custody etc would be no different.

There’s a lot of people advising you kick him out. Do you have that legal right? Here - you can’t kick your husband out of his own home. And it is likely legally to be seen as his home if you didn’t have a binding legal agreement to the contrary.

If people let go of the righteous indignation they would see why that pretty much has to be the case. When a couple marry, or adopt a marriage-like relationship (as you did, when you got married according to the rights of your/his culture) co-habitation is common. It’s not appropriate to consider the spouse that moves in a permanent guest or boarder. You aren’t his landlord - you are his wife. He isn’t your tenant - he is your husband.

You can certainly ask him to move out, but I question whether you have the legal right to evict him absent a settlement agreement.

As I said - get proper legal advice.