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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP told his son to move in without discussion

130 replies

Unknown987 · 31/01/2024 16:53

Hi
I need to know if it's me?
My partner moved in with me and my 2DD - he has 2 ds but live with mum. No talk was ever had about us all living together as that would have affected my decision living together and as DS were 13 and 17 when we met I was told it would be weekend and holiday stays for which we set up a room for them to chill in.
fast forward 3.5 years we have our own DD too in mix (baring in mind we live in a 3 bed).
I have just found out I am unexpectedly pregnant which has thrown me. I cried to my DP how I feel stuck and it is too much and I can't cope - the next day he screen shots a convo with his DS 16 telling him an hour AFTER our convo why does g be move in to ours and how we can help him sort his life out - he has been kicked out of school in year 11 for drugs alcohol and generally shitty behaviour. Any suggestions I made at that time were dismissed (I work in an all boys school teaching GCSE subjects so I know a fair few things in that department) by both his parents.
now 3 months later I am told by screen shot!! That he is moving in and in effect I am to cater for him like I do for our other kids. His parenting is completely different to mine and he has said he expects my parenting to fix him on the straight and narrow which I do not feel is something I am up to doing. For context he does not parent my girls including our DD as I do not agree with his parenting methods.
when I broached it with him he said I'm always angry and it's his son he can decide what he wants.
AIBU to expect he should have at least discussed it with me??
I told him the only way forward is for him to move out and live with his son and we can parent our own individually.
he is saying I am over reacting and having a mental breakdown and I need him.

OP posts:

LouOver · 31/01/2024 19:43

Op work quickly on this, he thinks he has you trapped. Organise the abortion first then work on the childcare plan for your now youngest.

Have you become a stay at home parent?

TTCSoManyQuestions88 · 31/01/2024 20:11

You're not having a breakdown, you sound logical and reasonable. He's a Disney dad taking advantage of you. Kick him out and, personally, I would not have a baby i didn't want in this scenario, you still have a duty to your existing children.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/01/2024 20:17

Just a point that you say you parent your joint child and he doesn't, because you don't agree with his parenting. That's not true. He IS your joint child's father. Even a complete absence of effective parenting IS parenting. You can't pretend your parenting makes up for his deficits!

GabriellaMontez · 31/01/2024 20:22

Your reaction sounds totally proportionate.

Kick him out.

HateMyselfToo · 31/01/2024 20:23

Don't bring another child into this shit show!

Bluenotgreen · 31/01/2024 20:24

I think it’s time he moved back out, don’t you?

Passingthethyme · 31/01/2024 20:25

IWishIUnderstood · 31/01/2024 16:59

I mean he definitely should've discussed it with you but there's a lot to unpick here.

No talk was ever had about us all living together as that would have affected my decision living together and as DS were 13 and 17 when we met I was told it would be weekend and holiday stays for which we set up a room for them to chill in.

I don't think either of you should've decided they'd never come to live with you, as they're his kids and there's always a chance they might want to live with their other parent.

Then there's the fact you don't let him parent his own daughter?? And now you're pregnant again.

I think you're right, he needs to move out with his previous DC.

This. You should never move in with a man (let alone have children with them!) assuming their kids will never live with you. You should base any decisions on the assumptions that they probably will. Sounds like a mess, is it too late for a termination?

Bythefireside · 31/01/2024 20:27

You are not having a mental breakdown you are totally sane and sensible.

Viviennemary · 31/01/2024 20:32

It's your house so your rules. But There needs to be give and take and a bit of flexibility. You have now got 5 children between you and another child on the way. All the children need to be considered.

TimeIhadaNightCapwithSanta · 31/01/2024 20:38

Where does he propose his son stays? You'll have 2 adults, 3 teens (?) and toddler and a baby in a 3 bed house. Kick him out and consider your future carefully.

WitsHaveEnded · 31/01/2024 20:55

This has given me the fucking rage. Where are you OP I'll come and kick the cheeky good for fuck all wet wipe out for you. Get him gone. And if you don't wish to continue with this pregnancy, you do have options but act now as it won't get easier. He needs to move out. 2 adults, 3 teens, a small child and potentially a baby in a 3 bed.. suppose it seems okay when you don't actually consider anyone but yourself in that scenario.

RightOnTheEdge · 31/01/2024 21:05

How dare he say you are having a breakdown! And him expecting you to parent his child because he's useless! What an arsehole!
You sound totally reasonable OP.

Where on earth is he expecting his son to sleep anyway?

KreedKafer · 31/01/2024 21:18

He is treating you like shit, he doesn’t do any parenting, he wants you to parent a drug-using 16-year-old who’s excluded from school and he’s telling you that YOU’RE the problem? Yeah, get rid of this prick immediately.

And have a termination if it’s the right thing for you. It’s not your partner’s decision. If you don’t want to be pregnant, you don’t have to be.

Azerothi · 31/01/2024 21:22

Surely the op isn't blameless in this. She moves her boyfriend in, has a child and then is having another despite knowing very clearly how the boyfriend is at parenting.

I feel horribly for all the children in this having no choice but to put up with mum and the boyfriend making horrendous decisions for them.

This is such a depressingly common story on mn.

NaughtybutNice77 · 31/01/2024 21:46

Hmm, I think yes he should have discussed it with you but ultimately its his child and its kinda tough really.
The thing ghat stands out to me though isn't this issue. I really don't understand why you would have children with a man who's parenting style is incompatible with yours. So he lives with you in your shared home but has no say in how your children are parented including your shared kid(s)....yet you want him to discuss parenting his own child with you!
I think describing yourselves as partners is pushing it.

theconfidenceofwho · 31/01/2024 21:55

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 31/01/2024 17:00

Your decision for him moving out is spot on. You are not married (thankfully in this case). I'd be very clear his son is not moving in, and he also needs to be making alternative arrangements for living. You want your own space back.

id also be seriously considering if you wanted to carry on with your existing pregnancy.

This!

madderthanahatter · 31/01/2024 21:55

Azerothi · 31/01/2024 21:22

Surely the op isn't blameless in this. She moves her boyfriend in, has a child and then is having another despite knowing very clearly how the boyfriend is at parenting.

I feel horribly for all the children in this having no choice but to put up with mum and the boyfriend making horrendous decisions for them.

This is such a depressingly common story on mn.

Sadly this. She knew he was a crap parent, yet chose to move him in with her dd's AND have a baby with him. It sounds like a complete mess for all of the dc. It's really not obligatory to have a baby every time a woman gets into a relationship!

theconfidenceofwho · 31/01/2024 21:57

Also a very good point @madderthanahatter

SKG231 · 31/01/2024 22:00

Why did you have a child with someone whose parenting skills you disapprove of? Surely you realised he would be one of the two parents for you child.???

Shadowssang · 31/01/2024 22:00

I’m sorry OP.

I can’t imagine trying to live with a man who was so selfish that, an hour after you were in tears about an unexpected pregnancy, he suggests his problem teen move in for you to look after, then tells you by screenshot. There’s nothing loving in that behaviour. And telling you that you’re the problem and me tally unwell is very gaslighting nasty behaviour.

I would tell him that there’s zero chance of his children moving into your home, that you’re really hurt that his reaction to your being under huge stress is to pile more stress on then throw around accusations, and ask him to move out for a while to give you both space to reflect on the relationship.

Bananalanacake · 31/01/2024 22:02

So he moved himself in with no discussion with you and now he's telling you you're mental. What a nasty controlling bastard.

Londonrach1 · 31/01/2024 22:05

Your house, he a partner, you not married...you know what to do .....

chantelion · 31/01/2024 22:06

Azerothi · 31/01/2024 21:22

Surely the op isn't blameless in this. She moves her boyfriend in, has a child and then is having another despite knowing very clearly how the boyfriend is at parenting.

I feel horribly for all the children in this having no choice but to put up with mum and the boyfriend making horrendous decisions for them.

This is such a depressingly common story on mn.

This! Poor, poor children who have no say because of selfish parents.

HalloumiGeller · 31/01/2024 22:13

No fucking way, nope!

It's YOUR house, so tell him to get his own place and parent his sons there! It is absolutely not OK to decide this without discussing it with you! He has his mother's house!

Tangelablue · 31/01/2024 22:24

If he cares about you and genuinely thinks you are having a mental breakdown then the last thing he will do is to move a teenager in for you to parent.
I think your suggestion of him moving out is the most sensible. Give him a date to be out by

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