DP told his son to move in without discussion

[Unknown987]

Hi
I need to know if it's me?
My partner moved in with me and my 2DD - he has 2 ds but live with mum. No talk was ever had about us all living together as that would have affected my decision living together and as DS were 13 and 17 when we met I was told it would be weekend and holiday stays for which we set up a room for them to chill in.
fast forward 3.5 years we have our own DD too in mix (baring in mind we live in a 3 bed).
I have just found out I am unexpectedly pregnant which has thrown me. I cried to my DP how I feel stuck and it is too much and I can't cope - the next day he screen shots a convo with his DS 16 telling him an hour AFTER our convo why does g be move in to ours and how we can help him sort his life out - he has been kicked out of school in year 11 for drugs alcohol and generally shitty behaviour. Any suggestions I made at that time were dismissed (I work in an all boys school teaching GCSE subjects so I know a fair few things in that department) by both his parents.
now 3 months later I am told by screen shot!! That he is moving in and in effect I am to cater for him like I do for our other kids. His parenting is completely different to mine and he has said he expects my parenting to fix him on the straight and narrow which I do not feel is something I am up to doing. For context he does not parent my girls including our DD as I do not agree with his parenting methods.
when I broached it with him he said I'm always angry and it's his son he can decide what he wants.
AIBU to expect he should have at least discussed it with me??
I told him the only way forward is for him to move out and live with his son and we can parent our own individually.
he is saying I am over reacting and having a mental breakdown and I need him.

For context he does not parent my girls including our DD as I do not agree with his parenting methods.

It's batshit to have a dc with someone whose parenting you don't agree with. What were you thinking?!

i do appreciate everyone's responses.
i appreciate I come across as a shit mum to some posters and that really strikes a cord as fleeing from an abusing marriage and settling in a different town and finding a safe home for my girls was me NOT being a shit mum. Making another poor decision about meeting a man 6 years later and deciding to trust what I saw, which in itself was a difficult decision, was not something I did deliberately. But I guess that's the nature of MN where you will be told some harsh opinions.

For the posters asking why I had a child with a man who can't parent, I only found it out after having a child as my DP and SS get on really well so I didn't think much of it? Not sure how others would assess that but I have definately learned my lesson. Not that there will be a next time.

Don't take such comments to heart.
You can't change decisions you made in the past and you are not responsible for suffering domestic abuse.

What matters now is the assessment you've made now and the quick action you've taken.

When does he intend to move out and is he being resistant about it?

OP, you need to put your energy into doing right by the children you already have. They are your priority.

Start answering questions centring your DDs. Are their lives improved by this freeloading man and his druggy DS? Will their lives be improved by a new baby?

when both of you have kids, having the other children move in is always a possibility. I have sympathy that it wasn't planned but he should have told you in a better way.

As for the unexpected pregnancy, can you cope with another child? Can you afford another child?

when both of you have kids, having the other children move in is always a possibility. I have sympathy that it wasn't planned but he should have told you in a better way

It was always possible his boys would need to move in so that is on you. He should have discussed it with you - however he has revealed his true nature by the way he has handled this. He is trying to drive through his decision, without discussion and then resorting to accusations of mental illness to wear you down.

5 children between you both and a pregnancy. You do need to take responsibility for your part in this.

Yes he should have discussed it and that he expected you to sort his son out is shocking. But is he a partner or not because that was what you called him? You seem to have an attitude that he is your partner but only so long as his children are in the background, there was always going to be a possibility his children would need to move in with him. And I cannot believe that you have brought / are about to bring two more children into this. Six children between you, too much.

I would send a message to his DS stating that this is not your partner’s home but yours and there is no room or mental space to accommodate him and his behaviour. You also believe in consequences which is why you will be leaving to deal with his and hopefully grow up and you are going to be demanding that your chocolate teapot of a DP moves out asap for the same reason. (I am not going to advise re baby. Very personal decision to make, but remember that you are already tethered to this dickhead via your first. Do you want this for a further 18 years? You are going to get fuck all financial support from this waste of oxygen.)

I don’t understand why you’ve had kids with him when you know you don’t agree with his parenting?? It sounds to me like there isn’t room at yours and I wouldn’t want all the drama be your partner needs to parent so he might have to go too! I really do question what on earth people think is going to happen in these situations!

My ex had 2 older kids he appeared to have a lovely relationship with. Only when we had a DC together, did it become obvious that he did not pull his weight. As for any parenting that took effort......... Nope.

Regardless, his DS is a child. Do you really think this is appropriate?

You're not a shit mother. Not wanting to take on a drug taking, undisciplined teenager because their dad can't be arsed is not a shit mum. Your bloke is complimenting you with that thought really.

Him saying you're having a mental breakdown and you'll not cope without him, tells you what kind of man he is. You've said what needs to happen, stick to it and concentrate on the current pregnancy and what you want with that.

I'm afraid I would end the pregnancy and I would end my relationship with this complete tosser. I wouldn't want to have his child and I wouldn't want to have an involvement with him for the next 18 years where he undermines you at every opportunity. I'm really sorry you're in this position but I would act really really quickly. 💐

I would be looking after the needs of my OWN children first, in my OWN home.

It is his child, but as it is YOUR house, this really should have been discussed beforehand.

What was his plan by the way? Where was he going to sleep? How would this possibly work in a 3 bed house with 3 DC there already, yourselves and a baby on the way?

You are not responsible for him and the other parent being shitty parents and not controlling their children to the point they become menaces to society. That is on him and his DS's mother to navigate.

You are right unfortunately. Children ultimately come first and if his DS needs somewhere else to stay then your housemate needs to move out and find somewhere for him and his DS to live.

It doesn't need to necessarily be the end of a relationship, as many couples live separately successfully but I definitely would be assessing if it is worthwhile continuing a relationship with a man with whom you have major clashes with in regards to parenting. You do after all have 4 children of your own to consider!

In terms of the pregnancy, it depends how early on it is and your own personal views. I know that me personally, I couldn't go through with an abortion, but if it seems like the right option for you, then this is something to consider (but not lightly either!). At the end of the day, from what you have said, you will basically be a single parent to 4 children, even if he is "involved". Thats a lot of stress and work. I wouldnt blame anyone for wanting to terminate.

Just tell so called "D"P to move out without discussion.

FWIW OP I think you're right & telling him to get his own place is exactly the right thing to do.
Then consider if you want to continue the relationship at all or just concentrate on a peaceful life with your 3 kids.

It would piss me right off that he's outsourcing the exhausting & thankless task of turning around his 16yo behaviour to you, as if you're a subordinate employee taking on a shitty task he doesn't want to do himself. I mean this kid is approaching being a legal adult - what the hell are you supposed to do as a Stepmum to undo 16 years of neglectful parenting?!

I'd actually agree wholeheartedly with the daft prick that: YES IAM VERY ANGRY, JUSTIFIABLY SO and add "this is a result of YOUR poor parenting, YOU grow a pair, YOU do some reading of parenting books & YOU do the work to salvage what you can for your son"

Well the DP does need to step up and take his son in if the SS mother isn't able to cope with his behaviour any longer and it sounds like she has done the bulk of the parenting up until now, it's DPs turn I'm afraid. You can't just opt out of being a father to previous children just because you've got a new family set up. That said obviously it will be impossible for you all to live together under the current circumstances so the only viable option is for him to move out and decide if you want to continue the relationship.
It's a shit situation all round really and is one of the reasons I wouldn't consider being part of a blended family.

You're both in the wrong really.

He is being an arsehole but you must surely have realised having a relationship with a man who has a child means that at any point you could end up living with them.

He should definitely be moving out. Wtf was he thinking? Fine that he wants to live with his son. Not fine that he offers up your home without discussion. And he could fuck all the way off with "mental breakdown". I'd be considering options for your pregnancy.

@Unknown987 where does he expect his son to sleep in your house??? even with three girls it is too much in one bedroom! with 4 it would be impossible!! he needs to be thrown out of YOUR house!

You’re not irrational op. I wonder if he was, even subconsciously, trying to ‘get back at you’ for saying/implying you didn’t want his surprise baby, and that’s why it was an hour after your conversation? It doesn’t matter if it is, it is still absolutely batshit of him and you should definitely tell him to leave. And if you do decide to get an abortion, plenty of other women do that too.

You just have to do the best you can with present circumstances. Be thankful you're not married and it's your place. I'd ask him to leave. If he wont leave and goes on about you having a breakdown, call the police and say youre worried about your safety. I'd have a termination because you don't want another child with this useless selfish man. I'd tell him it was a miscarriage so he doesn't drop it as a bombshell on your shared daughter when she's older.

What an absolute disaster. The only positive is that you were never foolish enough to marry him. Schedule a termination as soon as humanly possible and kick this man out. There is no way his son can move into your home.

This. There was always the possibility of his having to take custody of his child - surely you must have considered that?

I think if his child moving in is a dealbreaker, then you should split. What a mess for all the children.

But you did have a baby together

Do you dis like his parenting style with that child?

(I think you're right to tell him to leave btw)