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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying DD has to go to specific school or give up sport

116 replies

Tipisy · 31/01/2024 16:25

DD is 15 in Y11 and plays a sport competitively.
After summer she will move up a team from U16 to U18 and she will move to Sixth form.
The U18 team train two mornings a week 6.30-7.30.
DDs current school is 20 minutes from the centre they train at. We live about 10 minutes from both. There is a school next door to the centre they train at and a college within walking distance. DD has applied to all of them for sixth form.
DD really wants to stay at her current school as most of her friends will be.
But due to us living in a small village this would mean I'd have to drive her there in the morning for 6.30, pick her up at 7.30, drive her home for 7.45 giving her 20 minutes to shower and get dressed for school then get the bus or pick her up later let her shower at the centre and drive her all the way to school.
Alternatively, she can go to the school next door, I'll drop her off at 6.30, she can shower and get ready at the centre, walk over to school and study/meet friends etc. until school starts. Or the same and go to the college.
I have 3 other kids who I need to sort school for too, admittedly they will all be in secondary by then but it would be a lot.

AIBU to say to DD she has to either give up the sport and stay at her current school or pick the school/college near the centre and continue? DH thinks it's mean but I WFH and have other kids to sort and just can't be back and forth all morning!

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 31/01/2024 16:36

Hmm. It does seem mean if she's happy at her current school with her current friends. But I also see that it's a lot of driving for you.

I think I'd pose it as a question in a neutral tone of voice 'If you stay at your current school what are your plans for your sport, and how will you manage training?' See what she thinks is going to happen.

If it's an assumption that you will do all that driving/running about I'd let her voice it out loud and then see how she thinks you can do all that with 3 other siblings to think about.

hydriotaphia · 31/01/2024 16:41

Will she definitely be allowed in her school at 7.30 after training if she goes to the close one?

RobertaFirmino · 31/01/2024 16:44

It seems unfair to ask her to give up her sport. Early morning training and the age brackets make me wonder if she plays for a League side, football or rugby perhaps? Giving up something like this has the potential to cause a lifetime of resentment.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 31/01/2024 16:44

Yanbu. Plenty of students move schools or leave school to go.to college at that age. If she's serious about the sport then compromises need to be made by her

modgepodge · 31/01/2024 16:45

Would cycling be an option for any of the journeys to reduce the amount of driving you’d have to do?

When is her birthday? Will she be 17 and able to learn to drive early on in 6th form (and would that financially be an option?) Then she could drive herself there and back 6.30-7.30 saving you the hassle - she could use your car if buying her own isn’t an option? At least then you aren’t doing it for 2 years, just until she passes.

Do any of her friends do the sport and could she lift share?

Original poster
Tipisy · 31/01/2024 16:45

hydriotaphia · 31/01/2024 16:41

Will she definitely be allowed in her school at 7.30 after training if she goes to the close one?

Sixth form can use the sixth form area or library from 7.30 (school day starts at 8.30), she'd have to shower and get dressed at the centre first though.

OP posts:
Puzzlequeen · 31/01/2024 16:46

It sounds mean to me. You chose where you live, she didn't. To be at school or college at 7.30 am is very early, I'm assuming that classes won't begin before 9am. To me that is too long to have to wait about every day. You also don't sound very supportive of her sporting activity expecting her to quit outright if she want to stay at the same school as her friends. Could she get car shares with other team mates on some days to spread the load?

Original poster
Tipisy · 31/01/2024 16:46

modgepodge · 31/01/2024 16:45

Would cycling be an option for any of the journeys to reduce the amount of driving you’d have to do?

When is her birthday? Will she be 17 and able to learn to drive early on in 6th form (and would that financially be an option?) Then she could drive herself there and back 6.30-7.30 saving you the hassle - she could use your car if buying her own isn’t an option? At least then you aren’t doing it for 2 years, just until she passes.

Do any of her friends do the sport and could she lift share?

She's an August Birthday so won't be driving until Y13 earliest, no friends who we would be on route for.

OP posts:
Frozenasarock · 31/01/2024 16:48

If DH thinks it’s mean presumably he’s offering to do at least one of those two mornings a week of running around?

WhatsInANameDearBethany · 31/01/2024 16:50

Is a 50cc moped an option?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 31/01/2024 16:51

Puzzlequeen · 31/01/2024 16:46

It sounds mean to me. You chose where you live, she didn't. To be at school or college at 7.30 am is very early, I'm assuming that classes won't begin before 9am. To me that is too long to have to wait about every day. You also don't sound very supportive of her sporting activity expecting her to quit outright if she want to stay at the same school as her friends. Could she get car shares with other team mates on some days to spread the load?

Did you miss this

But due to us living in a small village this would mean I'd have to drive her there in the morning for 6.30, pick her up at 7.30, drive her home for 7.45 giving her 20 minutes to shower and get dressed for school then get the bus or pick her up later let her shower at the centre and drive her all the way to school

So it's ok for OP to do all this on top of whatever needs doing for othet DC but not ok for a 6th former to hang around for an hour before school? And presumably the OP has been very supportive which is why the DD has got to the level she's at.

44PumpLane · 31/01/2024 16:51

Is your DH offering to pick up any of the slack given he thinks she should stay in the current school and also the sport?

Also, you can drive a moped from the age of 16, so perhaps that's an option for you all depending on the roads and traffic near you. Could you afford to get her a moped and moped licence so she can take herself to all these places since they don't seem to be particularly far away from each other, it's more the hassle of the back and forth?
She could moped to training, then get ready at the centre, then moped to school.

hydriotaphia · 31/01/2024 16:51

I would try to nudge her towards the convenient school (have you been to an open day?), but if she didn't move I would suck it up and do the lifts. It's only 2 years and it would be a really nice gesture of support.

Puzzlequeen · 31/01/2024 16:52

I'd missed it is only 2 days a week. Encouraging girls to stay in sport is in my opinion so important,that if she was my daughter I would want to help her in this way.

BookShark · 31/01/2024 16:52

Is there no way for her to get from the training centre to her current school without a car?

I assume the current 20 minutes is a car journey, so what would the journey be like by bike/public transport? If she can do it under her own steam (or get a lift partway from someone else in the team?) then staying at the current school would presumably be an option.

Or could she Uber it? No idea if there's a minimum age requirement.

ThaQuilomum · 31/01/2024 16:53

YABU if it's only two mornings a week its totally doable. Surely you'd do that for her if she is excelling at her sport and happy where she is.

I'm run ragged with my kids. They're all in primary. Between music, gymnastics, speech and drama and team sports and of course my own full time job, its non stop. But they're healthy and happy and grateful and I'd do it for them no bother.

You leave at 6.10. Then go for a walk / run / do a bit of work in the car / grab a coffee for an hour. Drive her home and she'll sort herself amd then get the bus herself?? Doesn't seem like much to ask? Or am I missing something? Moving school when you're happy and settled can be very disruptive.

WillowBarkTree · 31/01/2024 16:54

Your DH thinks it’s mean then he finds a solution (which is not you being a taxis service). Your daughter can help him (good lesson for her that if she becomes a Mum when she’s older her job is not just to make everyone’s life easy). Obvious ideas:

  • Anyone from club going to school as well and do some sort of rota?
  • cycling or moped (can drive from 16)
  • Uber (and she gets a part time job to pay or you do 50/50 on paying)
  • Does she have to be in at 9? Could she speak to school and see if they will agree a later start time on those 2 days to enable her to take part in sport?
RecycleMePlease · 31/01/2024 16:58

I think that practically, you don't have a sensible choice but to say this to her.

When my son wanted to make a change, we sat down and timetabled out what my day would look like, getting him and his brother to school etc. and he could see that it would be very unfair on me to take one of the possible options and immediately discounted it.

In return, I realised my preferred option wasn't actually that different to a 3rd option that he preferred when I'd got it all written out, so we found a compromise that wasn't too awful for either of us.

Floatlikeafeather2 · 31/01/2024 17:02

ThaQuilomum · 31/01/2024 16:53

YABU if it's only two mornings a week its totally doable. Surely you'd do that for her if she is excelling at her sport and happy where she is.

I'm run ragged with my kids. They're all in primary. Between music, gymnastics, speech and drama and team sports and of course my own full time job, its non stop. But they're healthy and happy and grateful and I'd do it for them no bother.

You leave at 6.10. Then go for a walk / run / do a bit of work in the car / grab a coffee for an hour. Drive her home and she'll sort herself amd then get the bus herself?? Doesn't seem like much to ask? Or am I missing something? Moving school when you're happy and settled can be very disruptive.

"Or am I missing something?". You're missing the other 3 children she has to get to school while she is doing all this.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 31/01/2024 17:02

You leave at 6.10. Then go for a walk / run / do a bit of work in the car / grab a coffee for an hour

And what about the other DC she has at home?

ColdAsConcrete · 31/01/2024 17:03

And what about the other DC she has at home?
Her DH can sort them!

MerryMarigold · 31/01/2024 17:04

I'm not sure any school school will be open that early. Is there no bus/buses from the centre to current school which she can catch?

JemimaFuddle · 31/01/2024 17:06

If your DH thinks you are being mean I assume he is willing to step up and do the driving? If he won't agree to that then he is just as mean as you are .....

Mumsanetta · 31/01/2024 17:07

ColdAsConcrete · 31/01/2024 17:03

And what about the other DC she has at home?
Her DH can sort them!

If DH can “sort” the other kids why can’t he do the early morning drop offs for DD seeing as he thinks OP is being mean?

Prawncow · 31/01/2024 17:08

Can your DH drop her off at 6:30 and you pick her up at 8:10 and drop her at school?

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