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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying DD has to go to specific school or give up sport

116 replies

Tipisy · 31/01/2024 16:25

DD is 15 in Y11 and plays a sport competitively.
After summer she will move up a team from U16 to U18 and she will move to Sixth form.
The U18 team train two mornings a week 6.30-7.30.
DDs current school is 20 minutes from the centre they train at. We live about 10 minutes from both. There is a school next door to the centre they train at and a college within walking distance. DD has applied to all of them for sixth form.
DD really wants to stay at her current school as most of her friends will be.
But due to us living in a small village this would mean I'd have to drive her there in the morning for 6.30, pick her up at 7.30, drive her home for 7.45 giving her 20 minutes to shower and get dressed for school then get the bus or pick her up later let her shower at the centre and drive her all the way to school.
Alternatively, she can go to the school next door, I'll drop her off at 6.30, she can shower and get ready at the centre, walk over to school and study/meet friends etc. until school starts. Or the same and go to the college.
I have 3 other kids who I need to sort school for too, admittedly they will all be in secondary by then but it would be a lot.

AIBU to say to DD she has to either give up the sport and stay at her current school or pick the school/college near the centre and continue? DH thinks it's mean but I WFH and have other kids to sort and just can't be back and forth all morning!

OP posts:
GreatGardenstuff · 01/02/2024 16:27

Saw your update, if the new school has better courses and results she should be seriously considering going there anyway. The logistics for training should be rubber stamping the deal. 6th form is a great time to move out of the comfort zone of school.

Purplebunnie · 01/02/2024 16:35

I don't think I've got this. Why can't she walk the 20 minutes from the training centre to her current school. Surely that is the most logical course of action

Clearinguptheclutter · 01/02/2024 16:39

i think you've hit the nail on the head with
I do feel DD is at an age now where she has to put some of the effort in to make it work within the family unit.
you've obviously taxied her a lot to her sport and continued to do so, but committing to a 6.30 am taxi, and possibly a 7.30 am taxi too, when you have three other children to sort out in the mornings, is a lot TBH.
My son has serious sporting commitments but understands that his commitments impact what his brother (and parents!) can/cannot do and sometimes compromise is needed. And he's only 8.

Bookkeepermum · 01/02/2024 16:39

Why can't your husband take her there and back for that hour while you sort your other children?

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 01/02/2024 16:42

Purplebunnie · 01/02/2024 16:35

I don't think I've got this. Why can't she walk the 20 minutes from the training centre to her current school. Surely that is the most logical course of action

20 minute drive not walk.

DottyLottieLou · 01/02/2024 16:52

You are being perfectly reasonable. She needs to learn to compromise and that sacrifices sometimes need to be made.

lanthanum · 01/02/2024 16:54

It sounds as if moving school would be better from the point of view of her A-levels as well as making the sport easier. I'm not sure why you didn't even mention that in the original post, as it's probably more important.

Rather than trying to force her into a decision by using the sport, can you work on the other reasons to move school.

DD went to a sixth form where she knew nobody else. That took some guts (especially as she had been very shy), but it worked really well. She's still friends with her previous crowd, but she's made some new friends, and it's given her a lot more confidence. It means that she's not at all worried about making new friends at university, because she's already done it once. Can you try selling your DD on some of the positives of moving?

Do any of the others on the sports team go to that sixth form? That might help encourage her. Are there any taster days?

PrawnDumplings · 01/02/2024 16:54

WhatsInANameDearBethany · 31/01/2024 16:50

Is a 50cc moped an option?

Are you serious?!

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 01/02/2024 16:57

I have to agree that there’s three options.
Move, give up, or dh takes.
I would approach DH and see if the last is a true option before presenting it to dd.

minipie · 01/02/2024 16:59

Ok I am not a sporty person but for me, unless competing at national level you do not choose a school based on a sport.

Things like A level choices are much more important - also friends are important- but appreciate these two things point to different schools for your DD.

Are there any friends at all going to the bigger, close to sports centre school? Surely some friends must also want a better choice of A Levels?

In your shoes I would be working on her to pick the bigger school for the A level choices alone. The sports training being easier might help with this. She can still keep up with her old friends who stay at the smaller school. Presumably she’d see some of them at sports training. It might be a good thing to have two groups of friends, old school and new school.

If she decides to stay at the old school after all… Are there any other kids/ parents who will be doing the run between training and school? Can you share it so it’s only once a week? And yes agree it would make sense for DH to do the early drop off. Coming home in between is a non starter, there clearly isn’t time, she needs to shower there and go straight to school.

Birch101 · 01/02/2024 17:02

Would it be feasible that you or your partner drop her off at 6.30 she showers and changes at the sports centre and she gets a taxi to school the 2 days a week of practice
You could encourage her to get a job at weekends/evenings of possible to help fund this.

I wish I had stayed at my 6th form with friends rather than change (and wonder if i would have had better grades).and had given up all.my sports by her age due to numerous reasons so would try and find other alternatives, that being said she is becoming a young adult and should be involved in the conversation and understand logistics and practicalities.

ProfessorInkling · 01/02/2024 17:02

Could DH drop her off as he is leaving for work shortly after anyway - and then she could get showered and changed at the centre, and you pick her up and drive her to school, along with DD2? The older ones get the bus on those days?

breezesin · 01/02/2024 17:06

DH needs to step up …

ODubhshlaine · 01/02/2024 17:06

My twins moved schools in order to get the subjects they wanted that weren’t offered at their school

They now are both at Uni studying subjects that they love that are directly related to those subjects that they nearly gave up because of their friends. They actually moved to a much better school and (tbh) found really lovely friends.

I also believe you will be doing too much running around and older children benefit from some independence. They will need this when they leave home along with the ability to make new friends.

If it was my family and she wanted to keep up with the sport she either
changes school
finds another team that accommodates her existing school

Mumof2teens79 · 01/02/2024 17:08

Is there no bus from the centre to her current school?
Do they not currently do morning training? Are both sessions compulsory?
How about others on the team? Maybe in year above? Could anyone lift share?

It does seem more practical to move....but also what's the sixth form timetable like at both?
Most 6th formers here skip the school bus because they rarely have to be in first thing.

Purplebunnie · 01/02/2024 18:00

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 01/02/2024 16:42

20 minute drive not walk.

Show quote history

Thought I'd misunderstood, my fault, thank you

PrawnDumplings · 01/02/2024 18:26

Can she get washed/changed at the sport place then get a cab, bike or a bus to school?

Mariposistaaa · 01/02/2024 18:49

I think you need to count your blessings here. Your child is causing you inconvenience due to her dedication to sport, not vaping, failing exams, truancy, drink/drugs, bad behaviour. Cut her some slack!
Cycling? Alternating drop offs with DH? The other kids are hardly babies and can sort themselves out surely? It sounds a bit like you are fed up of what the commitment to being a top division sports parent involves after what is probably many, many years of it.

Nosleepforthismum · 01/02/2024 19:08

PrawnDumplings · 01/02/2024 16:54

Are you serious?!

Show quote history

I was actually coming on here to also suggest a moped. I had one at 16 and it was great to get around on. It meant I could have some independence and I also passed my driving test without any dramas as I was used to driving on roads by then. You just need to be sensible on them and make sure you are visible to other road users.

disappearingfish · 01/02/2024 19:15

YANBU. It's tough but she has siblings and good alternatives.

I'd give her the option to start at the school/college nearest to the sport and if after a month she hates it she will probably be able to transfer.

soupmaker · 01/02/2024 19:21

I too have a child competing at a sport. Thankfully she only has one other sibling. It's expensive and extremely time consuming and we have to work around it. I feel your pain OP.

On the basis of the A-level courses offered and the proximity to training I'd be strongly suggesting that she move and if she's really not prepared to ask her how she's going to manage to fit in her sport training and getting to school. I can understand her preference, but something has to give.

chopc · 01/02/2024 19:23

It was my choice to have three children and I didn't want any of them to miss out because I chose to have two others. Yes they are benefiting from having siblings. Your daughter is happy at her current school and wants to stay there. She seems pretty committed to her sport. So I think it's up to you to suck it up and facilitate it. There may be creative ways of doing it eg she can shower at school? Can she get herself from the centre to school alone?

I hope next you won't be one of the parents who say they cant afford to support their children at uni because they chose to have three others and were not able to save .....

KeeeeeepDancing · 01/02/2024 19:38

She moves school.

Mumof2teens79 · 01/02/2024 19:49

For me the a level options are the key here.
Friendship groups are important, as is sport. And if it wasn't for the A levels I would do everything within mine and OH power to get her there. (DD trains 3 mornings a week currently so I get it)
But if you take the sport out of it then just on a level options the right decision is the school nearest training.

But she shouldn't feel she is choosing sport and has to stick with it.a levels are hard. She should feel she can just do one morning a week or miss a week, or give up, regardless of which college.

Bramshott · 01/02/2024 20:02

If she stayed at her current school could she still shower and change at the centre and you just swing past to scoop her up on the way to school?

I do think logistical questions have to come into it somewhere when you choose a sixth form. We are also rural so every journey has to start by car, and my DCs had to choose between a college 10 minutes down the road and one 1.5 hours away by public transport which is ostensibly 'better'. We would have supported them if they wanted to go to the other college, but we did make it clear that it would be a ball ache all round and that was worth throwing into the mix.

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