Partner crying

[gratitudegirl]

If you were sobbing in the sofa next to your partner and he just ignored you and continued to play on his Xbox without a simple 'are you okay' how would you feel? 😭😭

Yes he saw me crying. He just looked away. We've been together for 2 years. I've always supported him when he cried. I feel very lonely

Except you can throw him out. Trust me, he'll find somewhere else to play his video games.

Thank you so so much for that reply. Honestly thank you! This is how I feel. Naturally I couldn't just sit there or even shush someone. I understand people asking if it's a regular occurrence but it's truly not. So me slightly crying began to get more and more upset because he genuinely doesn't care. I have however removed myself and gone to hide in the bathroom as some have mentioned it's attention seeking and that's genuinely not what I intended.

Thank you for your support and understanding. It really means a lot!

If anyone at all that was in my company cried, I would always stop what I’m doing & ask if they’re doing ok/console them.

Your bf sounds awful & I hope you’re ok.

He helps with putting money on the electric but I cover all the other bills and food shop and things. Which as I reread that it does make me sound stupid

Thank you so much. That's really kind of you to say and I totally agree. I couldn't ignore someone or shush them. Thank you!

You're not stupid. But you have let him walk all over you. Time to stop that.

@gratitudegirl

It’s time to make some changes OP - you deserve better and you need to realise your true worth before you even think about being with someone else -
vulnerable people often attract sharks who are out for themselves. This man has taken over your life and home.

You are considering leaving YOUR OWN HOME before making him get out. Really think about how crazy that is. Imagine if your best friend told you that - you’d think she’d gone mad. Have a bath, watch a funny film and make a plan in a fancy notebook:

End it
Get him out with police assistance if necessary
Treat yourself to something nice because you deserve it
Take up a hobby you’ve always wanted to
Find a therapist

You will feel so much happier without him.

I got home today to a tidy living room, dinner waiting for me, bathed kids and I’m wallowing in the bath. Life can be simple and nice and not a slog.

He lives at mine and he has nowhere else to go. I can't throw him out

@gratitudegirl You can tell him the relationship is over, and you are giving him notice to leave. Honestly, being on your own is better than being miserable with someone.

You can also stop doing things for him. He can make his own coffee, he can do his own cooking and washing. He isn't a child. You are making it too comfortable for him, so of course he doesn't want to leave.

Can I please ask you what a normal relationship is like?

DH and I have been married for 42 years.
Every morning he gets up first and makes me a cup of tea, I work from home and he makes me endless cups of tea while I am working, we share the household chores, I cook 99% of the time, and he washes up. He has health issues now so I do 99% of the driving.

but I cover all the other bills and food shop and things

He is what is universally known on mumsnet as a cocklodger. He is on to a good thing. Stop making it comfortable for him. Don't buy his food. Make him stand on his own two feet.

This makes it even easier to kick him out - he brings nothing to the relationship.

Can you go away for a few days and either leave a note asking him to be gone by x date, or ask a friend to come round and tell him to leave?

I would totally do that for a friend

It sounds like you have been working so hard to make him happy that you’ve lost yourself.

who do you have to fake everything is fine all the time too?

A partnership needs authenticity, it needs both people to be honest + vulnerable when things don’t feel ok. It needs to be mutually supportive. And it should be kind.

In order to feel loved, we need to know someone loves + accepts all of us. Not just the public ‘front’ we put on. It doesn’t matter if your tears are performative or not - if he’s not able to put down his game + check in with you about what’s going on then he is not the one for you.

That's absolutely not your problem. I promise you will be INFINITELY happier with him gone. You can do this!

Paying for everything and running around after him doesn't make you stupid. But, it does make you look desperate.

You're NEVER too old to be picky. I'm 20 years older than you, plus I'm fat and ugly. I'm still picky. It's not about looks - its about finding someone who loves you for yourself, and who treats you like the most important person in their world.

OP!!! For goodness sake. If someone pisses you off with a post, tell them! Don't tell them to have a nice day!

You need to rid yourself of this useless insensitive cocklodger. Whats he even for anyway? He's certainly not improving your quality of life.

My heart goes out to you OP. Please spend the same amount of time and energy on yourself as you did on this man.

Love yourself first before worrying about anyone else loving you.

You’re being ridiculous and sound like an utter doormat. It’s nice to do nice things for people you love, but you aren’t a slave and if you always do it with no thanks or reciprocation then you’re mad. Love goes both ways. You only have yourself to blame as you’ve set yourself up to fail trying to make sure everything is “perfect” for him. There’s no such thing. I’m sure he’d rather wash his own pants than have to deal with an overly exhausted and emotional girlfriend.

His housing is not your problem to solve. Tell him that the relationship is not working for you and that it is over and you would like him out by the weekend at the latest, two days would be better.
He can always go and stay at the YMCA until he sorts himself out. My son did that and he quite liked it as there was lots of gamers there too.
Good luck, think of it like ripping off a plaster, painful but quick.

@GoodO it really does baffle me how people can just be so nasty. Does it make you feel good? Does it give you a little smile or a tingle?

There are nicer ways to say things. Perhaps on someone else's post, if they are really struggling, reframe and go about your day rather than intentionally trying to push them over the edge.

@Panterus I just don't like being mean. That's why it really drives me mad when people are so nasty on this site! What if one day they comment on someone's post who is in a really bad way and that pushes them over the edge!? It's awful! Thank you for your kind words though. I'll try and be more headstrong and tell people to piss off 🙈

You're right, with everything you've said. I'm going to try and remain level headed and sort life out. I don't know why I've always believed being loved is all that matters. It's stupid and I really need to sort that out. Thank you for your kindness and your honesty! Xx

Awful. I sobbed today (haven’t cried for years) because something terrible happened and Dh gave me a big hug and we made a plan to try to move forward with it. Would have been devastated if he’d just ignored me what the hell?! I wouldn’t ignore a stranger crying let alone a spouse or partner.

I think some context is needed here...

Do you cry frequently? As if you do, partners can become immune to this.

Sorry if I missed this, but how old are you?

I’m sorry, OP. I never intended to make you feel worse. But ditch him. If you do everything for someone and they do nothing for you it becomes a relationship dynamic. If you continue to do that, it becomes your fault, not his.
I really think counselling would be beneficial for you if you are struggling so much. No one, I repeat NO ONE, is worth sacrificing your mental health for.

OP, why does he not pay half the bills and food shop? How long have you been together, and also living together? Why does he shout at you if you do everything for him. You deserve better, much better. Being alone is better than being with someone like this. No walking on eggshells, no running yourself ragged for someone who would never do the same for you.

I just don't like being mean.

But you are being mean to yourself.

Oh OP I feel so sorry for you. Big hug.

As others have said you could find a great deal of help in therapy. I know you said you had some when younger. Remember that therapy isn't just about naming what is troubling and limiting you. It's a therapeutic relationship where you can practice and learn new and healthier ways of relating. Even once the issues are named, that takes a lot of practice because these are deep rooted habits. Give it time.

As you acknowledge, you're trying to earn his love by making things perfect and basically serving him. That isn't love, it isn't a healthy relationship. You're parenting him.

You're not his parent. You're not his housekeeper. And his happiness is NOT your responsibility. You're not on the board of someone else's life, not are you on their staff.