Partner crying

[gratitudegirl]

If you were sobbing in the sofa next to your partner and he just ignored you and continued to play on his Xbox without a simple 'are you okay' how would you feel? 😭😭

Yes he saw me crying. He just looked away. We've been together for 2 years. I've always supported him when he cried. I feel very lonely

OP- why would you be scared to ask him to leave?

Fine give him a week then 🤷🏻‍♀️ but tell him firmly it's over and it's time for him to leave. Don't enter into discussion just leave it at that.
Do you have friends nearby

I'm so sorry you've been through that. I'm so glad you're in a better place now. Well done you! You're incredibly strong xx

Honestly. Men scare me. I can't stand when they shout. Genuinely scares the life out of me. I don't want to piss him off. He's never been violent I don't want it to come across like that at all but he can shout loud and I feel to emotional to handle that. I don't know if that makes sense

Yes of course.
I think my relationship with my now DH is normal but 18ish years ago I was where you are now.

We both work and take care of the kids. We occasionally do something nice like pick up each others fave treats bur it's certainly not expected. We both do chores and thank the other one for doing stuff. Shopping and food is everyone's responsibility.

We take turns doing laundry but both do ALL the laundry.

Aww ask each other about our day and give each other comfort when times are hard. We don't always agree but we talk it out without raised voices or sulking

Thank you! I've screenshotted your response (if that's okay?) I want to work towards being in a relationship one day like this. I just hope it's not too late. As my dad always said to me I'm too old to be picky 🤦🏼‍♀️

Insensitive and a red flag really.
He should at least ask if you’re ok.

My( now ex) asked what I’m bubbling for, just after my dog died several years ago.No empathy.

For some people it’s just about themselves.

Maybe consider if you want to stay with him coz it doesn’t get better !

Why on earth would you do this? Why not be yourself, pull your weight and expect nothing but the same in return from day dot? You’ve set yourself up into the martyr role then crying because he sees you as the doormat you happily presented yourself as?

Im not even sure this for real, it all sounds very Danielle Steele. Half expecting there to be a strong-but-sensitive rich guy who’s always been there for you, ready to sweep you off your feet, drip feed…

Have you read 'why women talk and men walk'? It explains a lot...

I've always supported him when he cried.

Well he’s a selfish dickhead.

Dump him.

OP, tell him that the relationship isn't working for you and ask him to be gone in a couple of days. Calm and factual. He's not the best of anything.

Healthy relationships shouldn't be as one sided as you describe. If you do want another relationship in the future try working on things like identifying and communicating your needs and preferences, constructive language in arguments etc. There are skills and don't come easily to people pleasers but they'll help a lot. I can't tell you what a good relationship should look like but those tools could help you negotiate one!

Of course! And I'm happy to answer questions further. It's an anonymous forum and we have a very boring generic marriage lol but feel free to DM if you want.

I actually did therapy twice, once through a charity and then through Women's Aid and it really helped with boundaries and it helped me kick him out! Maybe worth giving them a call for advice? I thought there had to have been 'violence'
To access support like that but it certainly wasn't the case in our area and they were happy to help. I donate now monthly as my little thank you to them ❤️

@SpeedyDrama I've always been like this. For my family, for my friends, I want people to be okay because when I was a kid I was homeschooled and by homeschooled I mean me and a book, no teacher, no friends, no parents around. I was alone and I wouldn't wish that feeling on anybody. I want to make sure people are happy and yes i can see by these responses I've not gone about it the right way but how would I have known!? It's all I've known. So for that I apologise but I don't appreciate being made fun of.

No I haven't. I'll try and find it. Thank you so much

You’re never “ too old to be picky”

You pick someone who cares about you or you live alone.
Being alone is less lonely than living with the wrong person.

I could have written this word for word (including the point about being where the OP is 20-odd year ago). Mine and DH's relationship isn't exciting but we're kind to each other and we respect each other. We try to make each other's lives easier but accept that it's not always, or often, possible.

OP if he scares you, if he doesn't respond to your need for comfort, he's not the right man for you. Get a friend to come over tomorrow and tell him he needs to leave to help you stay strong and to handle him if he shouts. Then get yourself some therapy. I promise you the problem isn't you it's the men you are choosing. Get some help and you will choose better in future. But please whatever you do get rid of this man. You asked what a real relationship should be like, it's someone who will care about you even if you leave smelly socks somewhere or don't have time to run after them. It's someone you can be yourself with. It's someone who makes you feel bigger and stronger not smaller and weaker. Please, please don't keep allowing yourself to be treated this way.

That is an incredibly helpful response. Thank you so much. I do need to do a lot of work. I have realised from a lot of these responses. Thank you for your support and I'm so glad you're in a good place! I'm really grateful xxx

This. I don’t believe a word of it. It gets more and more ridiculous with each post.

OP, I've also noticed you apologise for yourself a lot in your posts which makes me sad for you. Could you try an exercise over the next few days and try not to say sorry (unless you've actually done something worth apologising for like running over someone's foot with a Tesco trolley!). It's quite an empowering thing - women say sorry WAY too much.

I can't believe people are saying she needs to say something. Sobbing (which is pretty loud) is pretty clear communication that you are upset. Not sure why words are required. You'd have to pretty dim not realise what sobbing indicates and need someone to say "I'm upset". You'd also need to pretty lacking in emotional intelligence or social skills not realise that someone sobbing might need some comfort or consideration. I'd actually to try really hard to sit there unresponsive to someone sobbing. It'd be hard to do. It's a natural reaction for most people with any empathy at all to at least ask what's wrong?!? To pretend the OP is in the wrong here is pretty disingenuous tbh.

He lives at mine and he has nowhere else to go.

That is not your problem. Honestly, it isn't. You've made it clear to him that you're willing to be a doormat and so he knows you wouldn't throw him out. Which is why he feels comfortable treating you like shit.

Being miserable in a relationship is much more lonely than being single. This isn't an exhaustive list, but love is:

feeling safe with that person
feeling happy when you're with them
respecting each other*
supporting each other*
making time for each other*
(*note, each other - not all one way)

From your OP you couldn't tick a single thing off that list. it's time to get rid of him, and where he goe is his problem to sort. It's your place so as soon as he's out change the locks and block him. You'll hurt after you've done it because you're so deperate for someone to love you. But it isn't him.

Therapy, therapy and more therapy to unpick your childhood, why it makes you so deperate, and why your self esteem is on the floor (answer to the last one - because you spent your formative years being told, in actions and/or words, that your parents didn't love you, and you internalised that and formed the belief that it was your fault for not being loveable. You were wrong but it will take you a long time to absorb it.)

Does he pay rent, OP? Does he pull his weight around the flat ?

@Krayola I don't appreciate that response in the slightest. Just because you don't see the world as I do doesn't make it fake. Clearly i have work I need to do on myself but being toxic isn't a helpful nor kind way to live your life. So with that, have a nice day

Having read your responses above all else OP, in the nicest possible way you need to ask him to leave. Tomorrow or the next day if need be when you are a little less fragile, but he needs to go.

Love and a lasting relationship is about being a partnership, helping each other with the running of the household, picking up each other's slack but never expecting one person to do it all. Me and my DH both share the childcare, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. We do nice things for each other, make a favourite meal, buy a favourite bottle of wine, run each other a bath after a long day etc but it's never expected.

You and your partner are adults and equals however he is lording it around like a toddler or royalty and you are working your ass off to cater to his every whim. Who caters to you op? Who does nice things for you? Who makes your dinner, does your laundry, makes you a coffee in the Morning? The answer to all of that is YOU, so he is adding nothing to your life but sadness. Kick him out.

I hope you feel a bit better soon OP. You don't need to be anything other than yourself. There is no such thing as perfect.