To feel hurt my sister doesn't like the children in our family

[Outofideas79]

I feel a bit sad about this. One of my siblings has chosen not to have children, which I totally respect and understand. But the longer time goes on, the more I believe she really doesn't like her nieces and nephews, one of which is my dc. I figured not having her own would put her in the cool auntie role, but if anything she goes to lengths to avoid spending time with them. When she does spend time with them she complains about them. She perpetually talks about how seeing their behaviour makes her womb shrivel up (they really arent that terrible, jusy notmal kids). She'll make loud comments about how she must remember to take her contraceptives etc. I get she doesn't want kids, but also she says this in front of them.

If we are struggling with their behaviour she will very loudly say its our own fault for having children, she has absolutely no sympathy for us, we chose this so we shouldn't complain even though we never complain directly to her. If we talk about them with her around she'll get stroppy and say something like 'well there is nothing for me in this conversation' and withdraw. She may not glhave her own kids, but they are her family. I used to be very close to her, but I find her attitude to us as parents, and our children, really hurtful. Aibu?

She's perfectly entitled to feel like that about children. I'd just stop being around her with the kids. No way would I try and Foster a relationship between them and her, especially when's she's this vocal around them.

If and when she inevetably complains when the kids are adults that they never speak to her she can look at herself.

Stop spending time with, or forcing your children to spend time with, someone who clearly dislikes them.

Don't spend as much time with her - or if you do, have adult conversations. She sounds pretty rude, but clearly she doesn't like kids much. Lots of people don't, and therefore don't want to spend loads of time with them or listen to stories about them. You are boring her.

Let her know that you’re purposefully keeping the kids and her apart now. She has hurt the kids and your feelings. When they grow up she should not pursue a relationship with them. Something tells me she has had problems conceiving. Possibly. Only heard stuff like that from women who wanted kids but couldn’t end up having them. A resentment builds up. Of course not all childless women think this way.

@FeliciteFaff I of course do not 100% know for sure, but feel about as confident as I possibly can that this is not the case. I do believe it is that she doesn't want them.

@Hatty65 I mean we really don't talk about them that much. I think she talks about her cat more than we talk about the kids. If we are together it's normally to have a bit if a chill out, so tend to avoid that sort of chat on the whole.

Hmm, if she genuinely doesn’t want children and is at peace with that then she is being rude. She doesn’t have to fire on your kids or enjoy their company but it’s rude to say so.

It could be a defence mechanism though. Maybe she has fertility problems, or her partner doesn’t want kids but she wants them, or she is worried she will never meet anyone.

I would avoid trying to foster a relationship. She might come around but if not, it will spare the children's feelings.

I'm purposefully child free. I adore my niece and nephew on one side of the family and my niece on the other side. They have their off moments of course but so did I. If anything, they're so great I feel like the law of averages said we'd get the family pain in the butt if we had one 😬 Children can be hard work if you're not used to them and don't know how to talk to a child but your sister seems very extreme.

She's being rude. My sister doesn't have kids, she obviously isn't bothered for being hands on auntie, so she just... doesn't. She doesn't make such an enormous fuss like your sister seems to be doing?

sadly not everyone likes children.. we all assume that our relatives will dote on our offspring.. and like you say become the cool aunt etc. but sadly thats not always the case.. some people simply do not like children!

if her comments upset you, then tell her! and don't force her to be around your children. if she doesn't like them, then she doesnt deserve to have a relationship with them.

She is entitled to her thoughts ans opinions, just because people have children does not mean everyone has to like them or want to be with them

And yes I include my own child in that, no one should be mean or rude to or about people's choices but what does everyone have to be anything just because other people have children?

She is entitled to her opinion.

That said, I know it's bandied around a lot, but she really doesn't sound NT. Her response almost comes across like a phobia.

I would stop trying with her. Why is she there around your children if she doesn't like them? She could choose to only see you alone if she wanted, there's no reason for her to be so rude.

She’s entitled to her feelings of course.

But she sounds like a pain in the arse mentioning it all the time - boring if anything.

I agree, limit the time you spend with her. See her for evenings out just as adults if anything.

Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and opinions on literally anything and everything.

Not all of these thoughts and opinions should be or need to be vocalised.

I often have thoughts that would hurt others if they were aware of them. So I don't say them out loud.

OP's sister is being rude and hurtful.

She is being rude, even if she doesn’t like kids, she doesn’t have to treat them poorly. She also cannot expect you all not to talk about your children.

It sounds like childfree is the entirety of her personality which it doesn’t need to be, it’s a valid choice and only that. Treat her like any other unpleasant person and avoid spending time with her. The only caveat is, if you’ve all been asking her to babysit then that’s wrong because she doesn’t have children for a reason.

She is one of the "childfree" Internet tribe I expect. There's like a reddit community and things? Does she spend a lot of time online?

Like many special interest online groups they can get very blinkered and obsessed.

I think it sounds like a pose that has got boring. That she’s trying to be “edgy” but it would just be dull by now.

Fine to feel that way but it’s rude to go on about.

I do think your children need protecting from her hurtful comments and attitude. They will be able to tell that she doesn't like them. I wouldn't want her around my children.

She is your sibling, you can choose that she no longer is part of your life now you are adults with different life paths. She has made her feelings clear. You have no need to be in her life.
I would stick to only seeing at christenings, weddings, and funerals.
Children are generally only 'loveable' to their parents thats debatable too don't inflict them on her or her on them, everyone wins.

Actually I think a PP has hit the nail on the head. She sounds boring. Could you just roll your eyes when she makes a comment next time and say 'oh not this again'.

It's rude but then she is being rude and maybe she'll get the hint.

And I'd also try to only see her away from the children.

I find this pretty grim especially the part about taking contraceptives in front of the children. YANBU to be upset. I’d reduce her contact with the children. And maybe point out when she’s rambling on about her cat.

I had an uncle like this. It just meant that we (the children) didn't like him, and that my parents made less effort with him than our other aunts and uncles. We interact now that I'm an adult, but he's not particular pleasant. Is she better when the children aren't there?

@MCOut absolutely no childcare requested of course. And we have stopped inviting her to child specific events. But then in the past have been made to feel guilty about excluding her so it's a loose loose situation apparently.

Ask her if she was born as an adult? And remind her she's being rude and inappropriate in front of the children.