To feel hurt my sister doesn't like the children in our family

[Outofideas79]

I feel a bit sad about this. One of my siblings has chosen not to have children, which I totally respect and understand. But the longer time goes on, the more I believe she really doesn't like her nieces and nephews, one of which is my dc. I figured not having her own would put her in the cool auntie role, but if anything she goes to lengths to avoid spending time with them. When she does spend time with them she complains about them. She perpetually talks about how seeing their behaviour makes her womb shrivel up (they really arent that terrible, jusy notmal kids). She'll make loud comments about how she must remember to take her contraceptives etc. I get she doesn't want kids, but also she says this in front of them.

If we are struggling with their behaviour she will very loudly say its our own fault for having children, she has absolutely no sympathy for us, we chose this so we shouldn't complain even though we never complain directly to her. If we talk about them with her around she'll get stroppy and say something like 'well there is nothing for me in this conversation' and withdraw. She may not glhave her own kids, but they are her family. I used to be very close to her, but I find her attitude to us as parents, and our children, really hurtful. Aibu?

Well this class of person is massively dwarfed by the huge number of women who define themselves by their status as a mother, their whole personality is subsumed by it, even in the workplace! I met a woman today at work and the first thing she said after introductions was about her daughter apropos of nothing. It’s equally tedious and performative: “as a mother…”, “as a boy mum”, “mom life”, “you’ll understand when you have your own (smug smile)” so that is just a wholly understandable reaction against this. You don’t realise how much being a women is linked to motherhood by our culture and society until you fall outside that group. It makes women angry because it is a huge invisible and alienating dividing line and sometimes, ridiculously, they are viewed as lesser. Look how patronising some of the posts on this thread are!

Oh and before you have a go - all my pregnancies died in utero so I’m not chosing this, nor am I rude to people with kids.

My ex's friend got married to an anti-child person. Really hated on kids, and how they were a drain on society, calling young kids maggots etc etc.

She tried to throw a few shitty comments like this around in front of my son, until I reminded her of who'd be spooning her soup into her gob and wiping her arse in the future.

Do these people even know how pensions work? 😅

“Sis, we all know that you don’t like children- you’ve reminded us at every opportunity, but please remember that these are people I love dearly, and I’d really rather you weren’t rude to, or about them.”

She sounds just plain rude but if your "cool auntie plans were shared aloud" she may also be seeking to disabuse you. Weird and PA and performative way to do it though, when she could've just said once that she doesn't think she is cut out to be a hands on auntie. Has she made it a personality trait or feels pigeon holed in your family now so is performing accordingly? I'm not very keen on babies despite really liking children. I only play it up and act all Cruella if someone has an issue with it, as a wind up.

People usually only need telling once, too. No one tries to foist their babies on me for a hold after the first "that's very kind but no thank you". So I find it odd that she feels the need to hammer her dislike home. If she's definitely happy in her choices, who's she trying to convince ?

Oh here we go, the inevitable "they'll be wiping your arse" comment. Amazing how many people here apparently have children to make them work in aged care.

Re-reading the OP, I wonder how many nieces and nephews there are and how much time her sister has previously found herself having to spend with all of them at once? That would do my head in and her sister is presumably reacting to too many noisy children at once, and perhaps trying to prevent further exposure. Rude way to do it, but if she's at the end of her tether with other people's children, understandable.

It's also a reach to suggest she'll come looking for a relationship with them as adults. They may have nothing in common at all. Being related is a poor basis for assuming a desire for contact ime.

Don’t force the relationship, for your kid’s sake. ‘Don’t like kids’ people are weird.

Children are people. It’s like hating people.
And an especially vulnerable group of people.

Didn't you post exactly the same thing a few weeks back?

She perpetually talks about how seeing their behaviour makes her womb shrivel up

She sounds rude. She's entitled to not like children, and to not want to be a cool auntie and spend much time with them. But there's no need to be actively rude. They've not done anything to her except exist. It's like a sibling's partner who you don't like - you don't need to like them, or spend much time with them, but if they've not actually done anything wrong, don't be a dick about it.

She’s being rude.

I don’t have LOADS in common with my 95 year old grandad who dribbles, moans and needs caring for. But he’s my family and he means everything to my mum so I love him mostly for her sake.

Imagine I just started loudly announcing that old people are awful…

She needs to grow up and stop being so self centred.

"Oh here we go, the inevitable "they'll be wiping your arse" comment. Amazing how many people here apparently have children to make them work in aged care."

How ridiculously pedantic. One thing that is inevitable is that the children these people despise will play a larger and larger part in the care of an ageing population. With a decline in the UK birthrate along with a rise in the ageing population (its already moved from 16% to over 18% in two years there will be an effect.

Be that in pension changes, later retirement years for the next generation and higher amounts to pay, more taxes into elderly care and medicine, more roles in the medical sector related to elderly care, more construction related to elderly housing/care homes hospitals or directly working as care workers.

There's a lot of ways children will have to wipe our arses in the future.

The ops Sister has a choice, that's the beauty of being an adult, simply stay away from the children she can't stand, and keep snide comments for her other child hating friends.

Have there been a few of this type of thread recently - sister/SIL doesn’t want kids and is horrible about mine? Or is it just me?

ugh OP I am sorry. This would bother me a lot. She doesn't have to agree with your choices or lifestyle, but she needs to show respect to you and your family. It's just plain rude imo.
I had a friend (past tense) who once told me that she would rather 'dig my own eye out with a spoon' than attend a child's birthday party. The same person insisted that I make eye contact with her dog and greet said dog formally when we met.

Do you know how funding for child benefit, education etc works? Everyone pays for them, including those without children.

She sounds awful. Fair enough if she doesn't want to actively spend time with children (even if they are family) but there is likely to be family events where everyone is there and to be so negative is just rude.

I dont particularly enjoy conversations about my mil job or uncles fishing hobby but Id never say anything. I just smile, join in the conversation and then await a subject change.

Next time she moans she doesnt get included in something child focused, point out to her now much she complains about being around her nieces and nephews and how unpleasant her behaviour is. Make her own it instead of letting her continuously get away with being so unpleasant.

Not to my knowledge @noexcusesforlatenessalan

People talking about their pet - I mean it’s so boring unless you also have a dog/cat to compare notes.
I would tell her you have no interest in her cat as she is so rude about DCs.

Maybe she’s rebelling against the idea that all women want or like kids.

Women are under pressure to have kids, sometimes it’s subtle and sometimes it’s overt.

Suggesting that she’ll be pushing a pram down the street like the rest of us are just plain rude and intrusive.

It can be tiresome being around kids when you’re not interested in them.

Maybe just meet her without kids for a child free drink or meal.

Maybe she can be the cool aunt who doesn’t want kids and be an excellent role model for choice 🤷‍♀️

Sounds as though she's trying to justify her decision not to have kids to everyone else and perhaps herself a little.

I'd just not force the relationships on her or the kids and spend less time together. I'd also have a word with her and ask her to think about she speaks in front of your children.

Maybe already mentioned but do you think there's a chance maybe she can't have kids or doesn't think she ever will if she has no partner etc and this is her way of dealing with it

She sounds quite childish.

The same could be said for people talking about their children.

I am childfree by choice and I struggle in the company of badly behaved children, but I absolutely adore well behaved, polite children.
One of my friends has 2 children who I think most would agree are a bit wild. They scream at the top of their lungs indoors, climb on furniture, jump on people… I would never be rude to or about them to my friend but I don’t enjoy their company and find they dominate everything.

Another friend has a beautifully behaved little girl and I’d play with her all day and have all the time in the world for her.

Might your children be a little bit too boisterous for your sister? That said, she should not be rude infront of them.

There are so many child-free women on this post that have consciously made that decision and I'm wondering, what was it that made you navigate to a site called mumsnet? It started as an invaluable place for advice about kids so what peaked your interest?

If someone commented about their 'womb shrivelling up' in front of my dc, my womb would ache. Especially if it came from my sister.

Op, I'm sorry your relationship isn't the same but the disdain she shows towards your kids is damaging for your family, and you need to tell her.

If she was saying rude things about your partner, I'm sure you would set her straight.

@graceinspace999 Who is suggesting that OP's sister will be pushing a pram? I acknowledge social pressures, but it sounds as OP and her family have been very aware of this.

OP's sister is deliberately being very rude and almost nasty to some of her relatives who have done nothing to deserve it. Relatives who just happen to be under the age of 18.

Children are humans. Imagine if someone made comments about not wanting to be around old people or women or something. I'm not the most child oriented person. I've got one and I'm pretty clear that it's as much as I can handle! I'm mindful not to bang on about her to people who wouldn't be interested. I don't hold people's small babies as it makes me nervous but I'm happy to coo over them since people appreciate that. I'm honest that being in a room full of loud children takes a toll and imaginary play is really hard for me. And yet I'm nice to children and about children and at gatherings I will be the one going off to play with them if needed! Surely it's not hard to be civil and polite to children at least.