To feel hurt my sister doesn't like the children in our family

[Outofideas79]

I feel a bit sad about this. One of my siblings has chosen not to have children, which I totally respect and understand. But the longer time goes on, the more I believe she really doesn't like her nieces and nephews, one of which is my dc. I figured not having her own would put her in the cool auntie role, but if anything she goes to lengths to avoid spending time with them. When she does spend time with them she complains about them. She perpetually talks about how seeing their behaviour makes her womb shrivel up (they really arent that terrible, jusy notmal kids). She'll make loud comments about how she must remember to take her contraceptives etc. I get she doesn't want kids, but also she says this in front of them.

If we are struggling with their behaviour she will very loudly say its our own fault for having children, she has absolutely no sympathy for us, we chose this so we shouldn't complain even though we never complain directly to her. If we talk about them with her around she'll get stroppy and say something like 'well there is nothing for me in this conversation' and withdraw. She may not glhave her own kids, but they are her family. I used to be very close to her, but I find her attitude to us as parents, and our children, really hurtful. Aibu?

When you're not around children very much/not used to them, I think their normal behaviour can be tiring, strange and annoying.

None of which excuses her comments though, as presumably she has been around PEOPLE before and knows about manners.

The OP stated that the sister makes her feel guilty if she's excluded from child related activities. In any case, the children are part of the family. Presumably she ' has' to spend time with then on family occasions, like birthdays and Christmas? If all the siblings are together that presumes a big family occasion, so either she stays away or she stops being so rude.

Is she even your sister if you don’t meet her “womb shrivelling up” comments with “so it matches your head then” fight rudeness with childish rudeness, it’s what siblings are for!

I don't want kids (unfortunately for my two 😂) but seriously I can totally understand her feelings about kids and having been a kid herself when she was a child is bugger all to do with it. I think its great for kids, especially girls to see positive role models of childfree women, it is something I never had and I always remember when I'd hear of some poor soul who'd never had children, I a child myself at that time would think, oh how very sad for them, like it was the greatest sorrow imaginable! Now I realise that it may very well have been a choice and that they were loving their lives childfree.

Having said all that there isn't any reason to be unkind about the kids and saying things like her womb shrivelling up is just mean and inappropriate. I've lurked on some online childfree spaces and there is a lot of talk like that calling mothers mombies (like zombies) or breeders and children crotch goblins. So I wonder if she is using spaces like that and just picking up that way of talking?

It could also be that she just lacks confidence with the kids and sees no reason to attain it. I felt that way about my older siblings kids. I didn't have the confidence to look after them on my own, I didn't know what to say to make them laugh. But that changed as my nieces got a bit older and my nephew decided he loved me no matter how awkward I felt myself! Then I was foolishly seduced into having my own which is the best worst mistake I ever made!

@1ittlegreen you've answered your own question "it started" as that, but there is heaps of valuable information, chats and community on here that doesn't revolve around children. I found my way here through a google search for something unrelated to kids and I stay for some of the chats, but mostly for entertainment on AIBU

OP, have you ever tried directly asking her if she realises what an obnoxious arse she sounds like when she goes on like that?

I would have if it was my brother... we both tell each other when we're being idiots about something.

She might be confident in her choice to be childfree but feel insecure about the fact that you and your siblings have the experience of parenting in common. It must be hard seeing her parents and siblings all focussing on the children in the family and that might make her attention seek with these silly comments. It's not your problem and she is BU. I would probably try seeing her for a fortnightly coffee alone to rebuild the relationship if you value it. If not, reduce contact while the DC are small and see how she responds.

I would have to pull her up,on it to be honest, or limit my contact. You all get it she doesn't want kids. You support that, because it's a choice. But I'd have to tell her the constant berating of the kids, and refusal to allow anyone to talk about them ever, is having an effect. I'd even mention that the cat is a more talked about 'family member' and you have no issue with her talking about it, so why can't you mention your kids? Yes, she's entitled not to be enamoured with them, but out and out rudeness would piss me off

She sounds a nasty bit of work and probably for the best she doesn't have children.
Your children are much better off without someone as nasty and judgemental in their lives.
I always think people who act like this, whether children, dogs, cats whatever are deeply miserable and find little joy in anything, that's why they go out of their way to spoil others enjoyment.
If they see a dog running free at a park they have to complain,try and ruin it for everyone.

She's being a dick. I'm childfree and don't massively love being around small children but she's rude, as well as tedious making such a massive thing about it.

I wouldn't have dreamed of excluding my sublings' children, as sticky as they occasionally were, and now they're older and they're great fun so it was worth a bit of tolerance.

I definitely think it screams attention-seeking and yet OP gets guilted into accommodating her and can’t leave her out.

I would say the sister is acting like a child herself but even most children I’ve encountered don’t act like that about something they dislike.

As others have said, I wouldnt be surprised if actually she can’t have children or feels she’s in a position where she never will have them. In which case its a defence mechanism whereby she’s trying to convince herself/others.
Regardless of that though it’s unfair for her to keep making the comments that she does. It’s unpleasant for the kids to hear, but also not nice for the parents - would she like you to constantly be making jibes at her for NOT having kids? I think not.
I would just say to her We get that you don’t want kids and respect that, but please can you stop with the comments. It’s unsupportive to us as parents and it’s upsetting for the kids to hear that their auntie who they love thinks that they’re a nightmare.

This was said in a previous post:

EbonyRaven · Yesterday 20:46

‘Methinks the lady doth protest too much...

Probably wants children herself deep down. It's denial - and the hatred for children is a dead giveaway.

Just say 'awww you claim you loathe children, but I know you'll be pushing a pram around the street in five years time!'

Although, be careful. As a few posters have said, she may desperately want children but can't conceive.’

Not just you. There was one in late December about a rude SIL and one in November involving a sister who had the audacity to prefer her cat to OP's kids.

I mean yeah she's quite clearly being rude and I doubt that anyone's going to tell you YABU to be hurt by her rudeness.

Inevitably this thread will just descend into people bashing the childless/free, though, just as the last one did.