To feel hurt my sister doesn't like the children in our family

[Outofideas79]

I feel a bit sad about this. One of my siblings has chosen not to have children, which I totally respect and understand. But the longer time goes on, the more I believe she really doesn't like her nieces and nephews, one of which is my dc. I figured not having her own would put her in the cool auntie role, but if anything she goes to lengths to avoid spending time with them. When she does spend time with them she complains about them. She perpetually talks about how seeing their behaviour makes her womb shrivel up (they really arent that terrible, jusy notmal kids). She'll make loud comments about how she must remember to take her contraceptives etc. I get she doesn't want kids, but also she says this in front of them.

If we are struggling with their behaviour she will very loudly say its our own fault for having children, she has absolutely no sympathy for us, we chose this so we shouldn't complain even though we never complain directly to her. If we talk about them with her around she'll get stroppy and say something like 'well there is nothing for me in this conversation' and withdraw. She may not glhave her own kids, but they are her family. I used to be very close to her, but I find her attitude to us as parents, and our children, really hurtful. Aibu?

I would love to chat about cats. I find children (including family) incredibly boring and I have no interest.

I go through the motions of course and I absolutely care about their well-being... But it is what it is.

I have two child free aunts who showed no interest in me as a child whatsoever, but we have a lovely relationship now I am an adult.

Some people aren't kid people and that is okay.

Some people just do not like and do not want kids. Some siblings are just not interested in being the auntie / uncle role and couldn’t really careless. I can’t remember the last time my sister asked how my baby is, yes it’s sad that they’re not more interested but if they don’t like children then I guess they can’t force themselves too.

I would let her know when she makes comments that you find it hurtful and to ask her not to say these things. I would probably step back a bit from her as well.

Sounds like she's still in a child role herself and acting like a jealous teenager.
That or she's really feeling her bio clock but has no partner etc.

I doubt she's happily child free because she wouldn't feel the need to make these comments if she was. It wouldn't be threatening to her sense of self if she was happy with her choice.

I have two child free younger brothers, I should add, and they weren’t remotely interested in my kids until they were 8-10 ish and there were / are things to talk to them about!

When I first had children they both were a bit fed up that not all the attention was on them I think, but mainly they just weren’t interested in babies and toddlers. Didn’t make a performance out of it like your sister though!

She's being an arse. I'm childfree by choice, and I admit that I find small children quite boring, and sometimes after spending time with children (particularly if they're being little buggers) I will say to my husband that it made me extra glad about our choice.

However. I would NEVER say that in front of my friends and family and espcially not in front of their children. That's just incredibly rude and honestly sounds pretty passive aggressive.

And of course as they grow up they get much more interesting and it's easier to build a real relationship with them. If your children are very small perhaps she might get on better with them as they get older. Nonetheless, that is no excuse to be a dick about it, and I think you'd be well within your rights to have a serious talk with her and tell her to cut it out if she wants to remain close to you.

I'm child-free and I have a nephew who I love very much, but I'd also resent the assumption that if I'm not to have kids of my own, my role will automatically fall into one of "cool auntie."

I just find that there's a great assumption with women, in particular, that even if we're not having kids of our own, we must fulfil some kind of caring/service role to be of value. I'm not saying that's the case here at all-it's just an assumption I've noticed a lot.

That said, I don't think there's a need to be rude about your kids. I don't think she needs to necessarily feign interest-but being outright rude is uncalled for. Yes, people talking about their children bores me to tears sometimes-but so long as that's not all they talk about-and other people can get a word in too-I'm cool with sitting and listening.

I think it's fine if she doesn't want to have a relationship with your kids-that's up to her-and no one has the right to try and force that relationship. It sounds like it would be better all around to stop doing that.

Fact is, not everyone likes children. It's possible that she's doing this as a defence mechanism, too, though. When you actively choose to not have kids-it's very hard to convince people to take you seriously. I've had a lot of people try and change my mind. If I'm having a moment with my nephew and playing with him, people sometimes read that as some great sign that I want a kid of my own-and it's so uncomfortable because it makes me feel like I should stop interacting with him to get people to take me seriously.

Maybe that's part of it. She's trying, rather clumsily and rudely, to instil her boundaries and make sure her choice is known so no one will try and convince her otherwise. I'm just throwing ideas out with my experiences.

I think she sounds like a rude and thoughtless person. Horrid to be so unkind about family members, children or otherwise.

I am psychic as it happens 🙄

The post wasn't meant to hurt, but I go by all the bitter women I personally know who deal with kids in this way. The snarls, the comments on whether kids will be present when they visit the home, the mean behaviour towards kids, the ignoring of friendly children. There are a few childless friends I know who do - care for, adore or tolerate kids.

BUT The nastiness of OP's sister is coming from a really bad place. It's something that is wrong with her. Why else would she be so nasty that her sister had to write a post on MN

Just say 'awww you claim you loathe children, but I know you'll be pushing a pram around the street in five years time!'

Don't say that, it's INCREDIBLY patronising. I've heard similar for the past 30 years and it's tiresome.

And a cod psychologist!

You may just be reading what you want to believe into her motivations. It could simply be a case that she doesn’t want children, doesn’t particularly like them, and is fending off any suggestion of being a ‘cool auntie’.

I hate this oh maybe she’s so mean because she really want children.

I have children. I pretty much hate 90% of children because they are loud brats. I tolerate my own 😂 because I love them because they are mine. I like a few friends children. But my husbands sisters children make me remember whom I’d never want anymore they are horrible little brats of children. If she had of had children before
me I probably would of had none for fear they would be like that. Little feral rodents running around with a wishy washy ineffective mother and a dad who the children don’t listen to because mummy over rides. Nope not nice children and I don’t want to even be their aunt let alone a cool aunt 😂😂.

If we divorced I am not claiming them
as mine in the divorce 😅😂

I have no idea if this is the case for the auntie in the OP but people without children do spend a lot of their time talking endlessly about not having children

I have never for one second thought the world revolves around me or my child and I am prefectly happy there are people who do not have children the world does not centre on children or parents but the childfree give it a lot of head space it seems

Have you bothered to spend a second wondering why?

I don't think that poster was suggesting saying that to childfree women generally. Just the ones who are performatively offensive and nasty about children. If OP's sister doesn't want to be insulted, maybe she should keep a civil tongue in her head 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was all set to vote YABU as I thought you were trying to set her up in an aunty role she doesn’t want.

However she sounds an absolute prat complaining about the kids and then complaining when she’s not invited..

If you’re sure there’s no fertility issues or other reason then I’d tell her straight out that if she wants to be included then she needs to nicer to the kids and not make mean comments about them or to them.

Does she ever invite you over? Invites need to be reciprocal.

She’s entitled to her opinion but should be old enough and smart enough to know that saying it in front of the children is terrible manners.

Probably wants children herself deep down. It's denial - and the hatred for children is a dead giveaway

Oh puh-leeze. Children are annoying, I only like my own and a few others

It’s still not a nice thing to say to someone, lots of people don’t share why they won’t have kids, whether its fertility issues or not finding the right partner or money worries.

It’s possible to challenge people without being spiteful and making snide comments about future babies that they may never have.

And we have stopped inviting her to child specific events. But then in the past have been made to feel guilty about excluding her

Don't feel guilty about excluding her from events that the children are going to be present at. Nor do you have to listen to her bleating on about disliking kids if she comes to any event. Tell her to bore off and change the subject. If she gets huffy - win-win rather than lose-lose...

It's fine if she doesn't like kids. (Or men, or dogs, or the current weather. Whatever.) But to repeatedly voice those opinions to people who might feel hurt at hearing their loved ones slighted is not on. She should be old enough to know she needs to put a sock in it, without having to be told. If she does need to be told though, go ahead and you all do it. She's tiresome.

@notlucreziaborgia I obviously dismissed the cool auntie thoughts (misplaced i understand) a long time ago. Its certainly not something I force the idea of.

Probably in part it's this. She does sound rude. Not every thought we have needs to be voiced.

Tbh performative anything is very annoying, and this seems extremely performative

Yeah, incredibly. It's also so predictable.

I would never mention children if people didn't ask "do you have kids" "why didn't you have kids" "don't you want kids" etc etc over the years. Complete randoms would bring it up. Bloody tiresome, especially (as a PP mentioned, too) I didn't like them much even when I was one.

It sounds less like she’s sharing an opinion (which could be done once in reaction to a specific situation) but instead is repeatedly being hurtful and rude in as obnoxious way as possible to maximum dramatic effect. Totally unnecessary in front of your kids and I’d tell her so to be honest. If you can dish it out you can take it back as they say.

People cant just hide the mean things they say behind “voicing my opinion”. Surely an opinion is “I’m far happier without children” whereas an insult is “your kids are so irritating I hope my womb shrivels”. There’s a difference and she’s the wrong side of rude.