To feel hurt my sister doesn't like the children in our family

[Outofideas79]

I feel a bit sad about this. One of my siblings has chosen not to have children, which I totally respect and understand. But the longer time goes on, the more I believe she really doesn't like her nieces and nephews, one of which is my dc. I figured not having her own would put her in the cool auntie role, but if anything she goes to lengths to avoid spending time with them. When she does spend time with them she complains about them. She perpetually talks about how seeing their behaviour makes her womb shrivel up (they really arent that terrible, jusy notmal kids). She'll make loud comments about how she must remember to take her contraceptives etc. I get she doesn't want kids, but also she says this in front of them.

If we are struggling with their behaviour she will very loudly say its our own fault for having children, she has absolutely no sympathy for us, we chose this so we shouldn't complain even though we never complain directly to her. If we talk about them with her around she'll get stroppy and say something like 'well there is nothing for me in this conversation' and withdraw. She may not glhave her own kids, but they are her family. I used to be very close to her, but I find her attitude to us as parents, and our children, really hurtful. Aibu?

I accept you're a little hurt but there's no logical reason really to expect she'd like your kids (or anyone elses) simply because you're related. That doesn't give her a free card to be rude or nasty though and it doesn't give you an excuse to force a relationship.
Just accept your differences.

@Merrow erm. The comments come whether the kids are around or not.

That seems bizarre frankly! I get not liking being around other people's children, even if they're related, but even if you can't possibly withhold a comment when they're there then why bring it up when they're not?

It’s possible she knows you anticipated her taking on a ‘cool auntie’ role and the comments are designed to disabuse you of any such notions.

Would you tolerate constant nasty comments about your partner or another family member, whether in front of them or behind their back? It's no different, in fact worse in front of children as they don't understand that Aunty Sharon is just a nasty cow.

"Something tells you?" Do you believe your psychic or something. Lots of people don't wanna be around kids and find them quite bothersome and irritating. I feel this way about pets too. I don't think for one moment her feelings are in any way linked to her fertility (or lack of) and secret desire for motherhood

I’m childfree and would probably have thought some of those things if I’d been forced to be in children’s company, but wouldn’t have said them aloud (fortunately my sister is also childfree and we’re both long past childbearing age). “Cool auntie” is fine for those who like children. She clearly doesn’t. Yes, she’s being rude, but I sympathise with her to a degree - I don’t want to be around “normal kid stuff” either, and I’d much rather talk about cats! 😸

I don’t like kids either. There is only one child on this planet that I do like (adore actually)

But then I do avoid kids as much as humanly possible.

YANBU to be hurt but yabu to continue to spend time with her with your children present and to accept her behaviour.

I don’t talk about my children unless someone asks or in solidarity to a parent who is struggling but I would definitely give a wide berth to someone who acts and talks like your sister.

I don’t expect people to fawn over children but to talk like that about them in such a way is just off-putting and says a lot about the person and it’s nothing nice.

She's being a right arse. If she's made a choice she needs to be at peace with it not try to make other people feel bad about theirs. I'd be having words and telling her to be nice or get lost. I don't have room in my life for drama.

I’d just stop seeing her and inviting her to stuff. If she gets offended I’d tell her you’re sick of her slagging off your kids so you’d rather not be around her if she can’t stop being rude.
Or sit her down and kindly tell her that her rudeness about your kids is affecting your relationship with her and if she doesn’t pack it in then you’ll be forced to choose between your kids and her. And guess who will win

So what does she want then?

Sounds like attention-seeking behaviour on her part.

If she has chosen not to have children because she doesn’t like children, it’s hardly surprising that she doesn’t like children. And yet every parent I have ever met hears the words ‘ I don’t like children’ as ‘but I do like yours! they’re great I want to hang out with them’. She doesn’t.

I think she’s lashing out because enough people will have had a go at her for choosing not to have them, or not to like them or not to be the cool auntie. Possibly this is bolstered by some online childfree forums, which are to be honest eyewateringly caustic. she might also be feeling bitter about losing her relationship with you, and probably others, to the intensity of early motherhood. It can be a lonely time for a child free woman.

You could either have a gentle word to discuss how you feel and how she feels, or just let things drift and hope that she bounces back when the kids are older/more bearable/glued to a screen.

That's awful it's fine not to like kids but those comments are unnecessary. I have a sister in law that's child free my choice and she's fantastic with her 7 nieces and nephews to a fault.

I would show very little interest in her activities or accomplishments!

@Outofideas79 I was going to say you’ll be accused of excluding her. Outright remind her that children have feelings too, they are equal members of your family and so if she cannot be civil then unfortunately, she’ll be excluded as a consequence.

I agree with this.
There does seem to be a lot of 'performative' child free people around at the moment.
The type of person I am thinking of is like OP's sister, they can't just happily get on with their child free life, they have to make sure everyone knows about it!! It's like it becomes their entire personality.
Regardless of OP's sisters reasoning I would have cut her off a long time ago. I wouldn't let anyone openly insult my children on multiple occasions.

I wouldn't bother feeling guilty about leaving her out. She seems to have no problem upsetting you or your children. I had a friend like this. She didn't want children, fine. She was constantly rude about people who had children, even to me, after I had children. There was no need. I knew her feelings. I didn't need reminding of them every 5 minutes. She was a friend though not a relative, and we drifted apart fairly quickly.

Yanbu OP your sister sounds a bit of a d!ck head to be honest!
Everyone saying she’s entitled to her opinions, well yeah ofc and not having children is her choice entirely. However imagine if OP voiced every time she was in sisters company ‘thank god I had children hey, so I don’t become bitter and rude like you?!’ I’m sure she’d be told it was uncalled for. Same way sister doesn’t need to voice of her dislike of children at every given opportunity.

I’m childfree by choice and I certainly never had any desire or intention to be a ‘cool auntie’. Sod that for an idea. The reality is that I didn’t particularly like children even when I was one myself, so I was never going to have any more contact or involvement with my nephews or my friends’ kids than basic politeness required.

I was polite, though. Always. I may not have wanted to spend more time with the kids than I had to, but I certainly never said anything negative about them or complained about them. I sympathise with your sister’s aversion to children, though not with her rudeness. Did she feel pressurised to have a close relationship with your children when she never wanted to be a ‘cool auntie’?

I’m as childfree as they come, but even I think she is being rude and the comments are unnecessary. I sometimes think those things to myself when surrounded by badly behaved children, but I’d not be as rude as to voice them.
have you tried talking to her about it? That you respect her choices so she should respect yours?

I have a good friend who's like this, it genuinely doesn't bother me. We're just different. If you didn't want children, you'd probably find some of their behaviour pretty horrifying

She sounds like a tiresome posturing prat tbh. I'd just roll my eyes and tell her to get some new material.

Methinks the lady doth protest too much...

Probably wants children herself deep down. It's denial - and the hatred for children is a dead giveaway.

Just say 'awww you claim you loathe children, but I know you'll be pushing a pram around the street in five years time!'

Although, be careful. As a few posters have said, she may desperately want children but can't conceive.

Talk to your sister. Tell her 'that child' is the absolute love of your life. That you would die to protect them. And what she says about them and in front of them is really hurtful. You understand and support her choice to be child free and would appreciate the same from her.

Please don’t say that. Childfree women get too much of this patronising crap.