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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend needs to get over her divorce now?

141 replies

Whattodo24xx · 30/01/2024 11:52

Ok, I know that sounds incredibly harsh but I'm at my wits end with my friend & it's beginning to affect how I feel about her...

For context, we've been friends since we were both 11, (38 now) and we've shared loads together. Including obviously supporting her when she split from her husband of 11 years 5 years ago. It was super tough for her at the time understandably and I was there for her every step of the way. She has a DD who's coming up for 10 now, whilst working full time and is a great mum. Ex still sees DD regularly but they don't have a good relationship which makes things harder.

The trouble is, my friend over the past 5 years has the attitude of 'woe is me' constantly 24/7 and it's so draining. Whilst I understand the struggles of being a single mum for the majority of the time, it's all she talks about like the entire world is out to get her. She doesn't have enough free time, she doesn't have enough money to do anything, she doesn't have this, she doesn't have that etc. Her ex is getting remarried this year and this has sparked a fresh set of hatred towards him that he's a dead beat, he should pay her more money (he pays her £465 pcm), he's a narcissist. Nothing is ever good enough and I just wish she would see how far she's come and what a wonderful life she does actually have. She has an amazing daughter, a house she owns outright with no mortgage and that her ex has no claim on, a decent career, she's a beautiful lady too, but she's blinded by the mindsight that is 'woe is me'.

I don't know how to approach this with her now, and I understand the transition period was always going to be hard, but 5 years of this attitude and it's beginning to take a toll on our relationship. We go out & do nice things together but the convo will quickly shift back to making a passing dissing comment about her ex, or how something went wrong in the house she had to pay for herself as she has no help etc etc. The thing is, she didn't even want to be with her ex at the end and it came to light a few weeks after he'd left she'd cheated on him anyway (which I've never criticised her for) but I do feel like she enjoyed the life she had before she divorced if that makes sense? I really have no idea how to broach this with her now...

YABU - It's hard for her
YANBU - She needs to start being happy for things she does have

OP posts:
Bubbleohseven · 30/01/2024 11:54

YANBU - nobody wants to be used as somebody's moan outlet.

Do you have an open and honest relationship with your friend OP? Could you, openly and honestly, have a heartfelt conversation with her, telling her what you've said to us?

HalebiHabibti · 30/01/2024 11:55

I don't think you can broach it directly OP. How do you respond when she says things like that? I'd be as disinterested as possible.

MalcolmTuckersSwearBox · 30/01/2024 11:55

YANBU to not want to be her sounding board 5yrs down the line but YABU to tell her how she should be feeling about the end of her marriage.

Talii · 30/01/2024 11:58

I understand your view but you cannot bluntly tell her to get over it. Do you think you could encourage her to seek some counselling so she has someone neutral and she can ‘sound off’ to them?

honeyandfizz · 30/01/2024 11:59

Yanbu 5 years is more than enough she's become a martyr and that's not fun to be around.

LlynTegid · 30/01/2024 12:02

Whether it is reasonable or not, if you don't feel the friendship is what it was, then meeting less often is OK by me.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 30/01/2024 12:02

Do you think she is similarly negative around her DD?

Even if subconsciously?

That might be a more effective way of positioning things - that she needs to think about what she's modelling for her DD.

sweetpeaorchestra · 30/01/2024 12:10

I think I’d tried to frame a conversation around being concerned she’s unhappy, seems very negative. And not make it about get over the divorce/single parenthood.
Regardless of her circumstances, if someone constantly feels the world is against them and everything is a huge burden, it sounds like depression really.

Not an easy conversation to have but I’m sure you could pick the right cue to raise it and do it gently.

In the meantime I guess I’d keep trying to re-direct the conversation and do fun things but if someone is constantly moaning to you, you might want to pull back.

StandardLFinegan · 30/01/2024 12:11

Next time she moans say something like,

”I hope you know how much I value you as a friend, and I hope I have been supportive in the past five years , but it’s getting me down how unhappy you still seem to be even though you’ve achieved so much. Do you think you need to go and see a therapist because I don’t think I can provide you with the kind of sounding board you want anymore and I’d quite like my friend back”

Lassiata · 30/01/2024 12:15

Do you think maybe she feels a bit insecure around you and or jealous and feels the need to continually contextualise ways in which she feels less than? I don't know at all, that's just a thought.

ColdButSunny · 30/01/2024 12:21

It sounds like she's got into a cycle or habit of negative thinking, which can be very hard to break. I agree with pp that you could take the approach of saying that you are worried about her mental health. Perhaps that might jolt her into realising how much she is putting her negativity onto you.

Tbh if that doesn't work I would step back from the friendship. I can't bear people who constantly moan.

IsawwhatIsaw · 30/01/2024 12:32

You’re her friend, not her counsellor. It can be really draining if you are listening to this so regularly. Maybe time for honesty as people have suggested. Otherwise I’d be distancing yourself to put boundaries in

Almostwelsh · 30/01/2024 12:32

It's unreasonable to expect her to be over it. It's not something you can force. I split with my husband 10 years ago and it's left deep emotional injuries that I will probably never get over. I think about it every day and it's a deep grief.

However I do try and not go on about it to others and its reasonable to expect her not to talk about it constantly.

PerkingFaintly · 30/01/2024 12:34

StandardLFinegan · 30/01/2024 12:11

Next time she moans say something like,

”I hope you know how much I value you as a friend, and I hope I have been supportive in the past five years , but it’s getting me down how unhappy you still seem to be even though you’ve achieved so much. Do you think you need to go and see a therapist because I don’t think I can provide you with the kind of sounding board you want anymore and I’d quite like my friend back”

^ This is a good idea.

My mother is still behaving like this 40 years after she had an affair and left for the OM, and she's been happily re-married for years.

With adult eyes I realise that she has done it as long as I can remember, and that actually her lifelong identity has always been that she's a victim and a heroic martyr, valiantly suffering the slings and arrows of the baddies who are constantly trying to bring her down.

Sympathy is her drug of choice, and this is how she gets it.

Cutting off the supply would be good for you and probably for your friend. It will protect you, and it might even help your friend abandon her behaviour once it stops working.

Pipersouth · 30/01/2024 12:36

I have a sibling who split from her husband over 15 years ago but she still feels it ruined her life - who am to judge? I will listen and empathise as well as encouraging her to get therapy as it’s damaging but ultimately I love her.

MarnieMarnie · 30/01/2024 12:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

apostrophewoman · 30/01/2024 12:37

YANBU, five years is a long time to still be so angry. You can be justifiably angry for a while, it's part of the relationship ending/divorce grieving process, I know I was angry for a couple of years. But this will be affecting her life, she won't be happy and she'll never meet anyone new (if she wants to) until she lets it go and starts to be happy with her life. Once she does that, good stuff will happen and also she won't lose her best friend. I had a relationship with someone who was still so angry at his ex wife five years on, and it was so bloody wearing all the time. She is pushing you away and you need to let her know that. Perhaps try to get her to open up about WHY she's still so angry and are the reasons really that important five years on.

Sunset6 · 30/01/2024 12:38

I’d try and focus conversations on the future. Does she want to meet someone else? Sounds like it might be a good thing if she did and it might help her to move on. Or if she’s happier single then focus on the positive things she might like to do/achieve. Then perhaps there’s something you could do to help her with the above eg start a new activity together or go on holiday together

Freakinfraser · 30/01/2024 12:40

My friends mum was like this, it lasted over 30 years till the day she died . It was very sad for her, she never got over her marriage ending, never saw the joy in her own life, she got herself in a cycle of hatred, resentment, bitterness. It permeated everything she did. Every day she thought about it.

He moved on and married again, enjoyed his life, as he should, the children all felt very sorry for her. It damaged her relationship with everyone round her.

I don’t think you can say anything, she will shoot the messenger, you just need to decide if you can continue to be her friend or if ultimately you need to distance yourself.

Minfilia · 30/01/2024 12:41

I have a friend who is exactly like this. Her divorce was pretty traumatic (she caught him cheating in her house!) but it was 15 years ago!! And she’s had relationships and a child since then, yet she still bemoans every anniversary…

It is draining and several friends have gone very LC due to the constant negativity. We’ve suggested therapy - she isn’t interested.

No advice, but I get how frustrating it is!

crampycrumpet · 30/01/2024 12:44

I was about to say give her break and then read the bit about being mortgage free

Some people are always glass half empty types snd love being pitied by others.

I find this draining and would want to distance myself

muckcook · 30/01/2024 12:49

Betty Broderick springs to mind

Freakinfraser · 30/01/2024 12:52

crampycrumpet · 30/01/2024 12:44

I was about to say give her break and then read the bit about being mortgage free

Some people are always glass half empty types snd love being pitied by others.

I find this draining and would want to distance myself

With my friends mum I actually felt it was a form of narcissism. It was all about her, there was no way for her to bring herself to examine why the marriage actually ended, it was over in reality before he cheated and left, that simply wasn’t a bag she was looking to carry, but the attention she got in telling folks how hard done she was, and how badly he’d treated her, and bad mouthing him when she could, was something she fed off.

she had boyfriends, did things, but it was always there, always that undercurrent waiting to come to thr surface. Ready to spring to her lips. Ready to point it out to the kids once again.

she was just very bitter and lonely by the time she passed. It was such a waste of a life. It really was just sad. And it was detrimental to everyone in her sphere.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/01/2024 12:53

She cheated on him, she must have wanted the marriage to end, what’s she so fucking angry about?!

Windymcwindyson · 30/01/2024 12:54

My mate got divorced after her dh got sent down. For 4 years he was her topic of every single conversation. I ended our friendship and told her why.. She drained me.

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