To think my friend needs to get over her divorce now?

[Whattodo24xx]

Ok, I know that sounds incredibly harsh but I'm at my wits end with my friend & it's beginning to affect how I feel about her...

For context, we've been friends since we were both 11, (38 now) and we've shared loads together. Including obviously supporting her when she split from her husband of 11 years 5 years ago. It was super tough for her at the time understandably and I was there for her every step of the way. She has a DD who's coming up for 10 now, whilst working full time and is a great mum. Ex still sees DD regularly but they don't have a good relationship which makes things harder.

The trouble is, my friend over the past 5 years has the attitude of 'woe is me' constantly 24/7 and it's so draining. Whilst I understand the struggles of being a single mum for the majority of the time, it's all she talks about like the entire world is out to get her. She doesn't have enough free time, she doesn't have enough money to do anything, she doesn't have this, she doesn't have that etc. Her ex is getting remarried this year and this has sparked a fresh set of hatred towards him that he's a dead beat, he should pay her more money (he pays her £465 pcm), he's a narcissist. Nothing is ever good enough and I just wish she would see how far she's come and what a wonderful life she does actually have. She has an amazing daughter, a house she owns outright with no mortgage and that her ex has no claim on, a decent career, she's a beautiful lady too, but she's blinded by the mindsight that is 'woe is me'.

I don't know how to approach this with her now, and I understand the transition period was always going to be hard, but 5 years of this attitude and it's beginning to take a toll on our relationship. We go out & do nice things together but the convo will quickly shift back to making a passing dissing comment about her ex, or how something went wrong in the house she had to pay for herself as she has no help etc etc. The thing is, she didn't even want to be with her ex at the end and it came to light a few weeks after he'd left she'd cheated on him anyway (which I've never criticised her for) but I do feel like she enjoyed the life she had before she divorced if that makes sense? I really have no idea how to broach this with her now...

YABU - It's hard for her
YANBU - She needs to start being happy for things she does have

How about next time you meet you start off by saying that you have been feeling a bit down recently so you would really appreciate it if this conversation couldbe a negativefree zone. Then every time she tries to steer it her way you can make a loud claxon sound and cut her off. One, it means you can control the conversation on that occasion, Two, it might make her more aware for futore conversations

AnneLovesGilbert
ah I missed that!!

Yanbu it reminds me of that episode of friends with Jennifer Aniston and Bruce Willis where she says the only person who would want to listen to this is a mental health professional and that's only because they get paid a $100 an hour to do so

I would go totally woo on her. Tell her you’ve been reading about auras and you can see her energy has been poisoned by not fully getting over the divorce and she needs to do some counselling nd maybe some yoga and meditation to purify her energy

Tell her this every time she talks her about the divorce in boring, endless detail until she learns 🤐

I have a now ex-friend who is still moaning about her divorce - she divorced nearly 20 years ago! #

It was shit at the time. He had an affair and left her with a 5 year old and a 7 year old. He is still married to the OW. He was as 'good' as an ex can be - paid more than CSA suggested, shared care and parenting, took them on interesting holidays etc. But it wasn't always easy for my friend - she put her life on hold - she never attempted to work again and moaned that it was all his fault all the time. She could have worked, she could have found a new partner and moved on with her life.

The kids are adults with their own lives - and she is sill moaning about how unfair life is - was just too draining and there are only so many times you can nod and agree that he is a bastard

Does she have a supportive family? Perhaps she has nobody behind her because of her lack of support.

In general terms she needs to find fellow single parents so they can relate.

People who moan all the time are so tedious and draining.

I don't really think there's any risk-free way you can broach this - if you could have thought of a magic combination of words to say to your friend of 27 years, you would have thought of them already.

Has she always been a moaner? I have a friend, who is otherwise lovely, but she'll tell you all about the paper cut she got taking her million pound lottery win cheque to the bank...

She's stuck in victim mode, and personally I just cannot deal with that after a point.

I'd probably be distancing myself.

I once heard the term "the who has lost most in a divorce is often the loudest".

I can completely understand how being used as a free counsellor is draining;however I can also see why your friend is upset.

Most single mums are left with financial responsibility to rise their children,it would be nice if your friend only had to contribute just over £400 a month to her children's upbringing but it'll be more.

The non resident parent usually has more freedom and more opportunities than the resident parent;he's getting remarried because he's had the freedom to meet someone but dating with limited child care resources is difficult.

Could you suggest your friend seeks some counselling?

The problem is lifestyle here. A counsellor may not help.

Single parenting in my experience only got easier for me once ds was 15.

Pointless offloading to those who are in a couple.

Not meant to offend.

To be honest now that you've cleared up the fact that she was the one who cheated and caused the divorce, I don't know how you can listen to her crap all the time.

I think people do this because they feel it was a defining moment that ruined their life to the extent that that they sre still being bashed about by ripples of it today. Unfortunately it's often their own attitude and obsession about it that is responsible for thw current ruining of their life, but requires a lot of insight that not eveyrone has. Plus bitterness is weirdly compelling to hold on to.

For that reason I think its a kindness to gently point out to her that staying so focused on this isn't doing her any favours. And it might not work, but must be worth a try as she isn't going to figure it out for herself.

That he has the temerity to move on with his life instead of winning her back 🤷🏽‍♀️. Makes no sense.

It sounds as if your friend has indeed moved on ( new man/ men etc) …..but not with you. She has become stuck in the oh poor me groove with you, and it is very hard to get out of that.

I actually had the reverse once, I had a series of upsets culminating in a biggie, one friend was my confidante and support , and I was grateful; but she wouldn’t let it go. Long , long after I had ‘recovered’ to the point of forgetting about it, she would bring it up. It’s like your relationship is fixed at that point in time.

I think you do have to find a way of wrenching her out of the groove with you. pP have made suggestions, you would know which is the best way for you, but it is a boil which needs lancing.

I work with a woman whose sole topic of conversation is her divorce and her ex-husband. They split up 7 years ago, he's remarried and has children with his new wife. She as bitter as anything and she's known as Divorced Denise. She can't and won't talk about anything else. It's draining.

blatant fabrications at times, and her version of the truth has definitely changed over the years.

Ah this sounds familiar.

Yup, it's all about generating sympathy and attention.

It's working well for her, so she has no desire to leave her comfort-zone as The Victim and develop a new identity as an adult responsible for her own life and future.

I think part of the problem here is people in couples generally offload an awful lot of their moaning to their spouse. Being single, she's sort of cast you almost in the spouse role in the sense that, as her oldest friend, she feels you're the safe person to always moan at. I bet she's not like it so much with newer friends.

You need to find a way to signal to her that it's not ok and you've had enough of it.

This is how my mother behaved and she never really stopped. So much so that over 30 years after her separation she said to a recently widowed friend that her divorce was the same as friends bereavement. Friend has cut her out, saying she can’t deal with someone who can never allow space for someone else to be a victim. Your friend may never change but I would speak to her about it before you cut her out

YANBU OP

Five years?! It sounds like really hard work for you, but I’d be really worried about her DD living her life with a parent who has a constantly gloomy/bitter outlook.

Does she listen when you try to help her? She sounds like she needs professional help - therapy and/or a visit to the GP.

*Almostwelsh · Today 12:32

It's unreasonable to expect her to be over it. It's not something you can force. I split with my husband 10 years ago and it's left deep emotional injuries that I will probably never get over. I think about it every day and it's a deep grief.

However I do try and not go on about it to others and its reasonable to expect her not to talk about it constantly.*

This. You should try as a friend to make her snap out of it, and talk to her. But you cannot expect her to feel differently...My mum divorced 30 years ago, and is still not over it. It is sad, and really, really, boring to listen to her go on and on, say the same things about stuff that happened when i was a baby, but no matter how much I try to avoid it, the conversation goes back to this one scapegoat in her life that caused her all the misery she experienced afterwards. This one root cause of everything bad in her life. Some people are like this, passive. Things happen to them, they feel they have no control over their lives and they can’t make it better so they dont try anymore but constantly moan and live in the past. Others fight and change and adopt. It is just how people are. So you can try to encourage, but you can’t expect them to change. Then it is up to you to decide how much you can bear them and adjust the time with them accordingly...

These types do exist. I personally know a few. I think it’s a sad way to live your life tbh.

I have distanced myself for the very reason.

My MIL is exactly the same, they have been divorced 20 years and separated for longer. It's exhausting. She bad mouths him at every opportunity, and does it on the sly to the grandkids too, and they are at the age where they don't like it as they have a great relationship with FIL and his wife but they feel they have to be very careful about what they say around her.

Can you just tell her not to talk about it to you any more as she doesn't listen to your advice and can't see how much better her life is now. I would have to shut down any further conversation on that topic.