To think my friend needs to get over her divorce now?

[Whattodo24xx]

Ok, I know that sounds incredibly harsh but I'm at my wits end with my friend & it's beginning to affect how I feel about her...

For context, we've been friends since we were both 11, (38 now) and we've shared loads together. Including obviously supporting her when she split from her husband of 11 years 5 years ago. It was super tough for her at the time understandably and I was there for her every step of the way. She has a DD who's coming up for 10 now, whilst working full time and is a great mum. Ex still sees DD regularly but they don't have a good relationship which makes things harder.

The trouble is, my friend over the past 5 years has the attitude of 'woe is me' constantly 24/7 and it's so draining. Whilst I understand the struggles of being a single mum for the majority of the time, it's all she talks about like the entire world is out to get her. She doesn't have enough free time, she doesn't have enough money to do anything, she doesn't have this, she doesn't have that etc. Her ex is getting remarried this year and this has sparked a fresh set of hatred towards him that he's a dead beat, he should pay her more money (he pays her £465 pcm), he's a narcissist. Nothing is ever good enough and I just wish she would see how far she's come and what a wonderful life she does actually have. She has an amazing daughter, a house she owns outright with no mortgage and that her ex has no claim on, a decent career, she's a beautiful lady too, but she's blinded by the mindsight that is 'woe is me'.

I don't know how to approach this with her now, and I understand the transition period was always going to be hard, but 5 years of this attitude and it's beginning to take a toll on our relationship. We go out & do nice things together but the convo will quickly shift back to making a passing dissing comment about her ex, or how something went wrong in the house she had to pay for herself as she has no help etc etc. The thing is, she didn't even want to be with her ex at the end and it came to light a few weeks after he'd left she'd cheated on him anyway (which I've never criticised her for) but I do feel like she enjoyed the life she had before she divorced if that makes sense? I really have no idea how to broach this with her now...

YABU - It's hard for her
YANBU - She needs to start being happy for things she does have

i have a friend who does this constantly. I'm so fed up with it I got to the point where I just started saying I'm sorry I can't listen to any more of this you need to find your own life now.
She hasn't unfriended me. just say it.

After many years of this, I just pulled back from a friendship. We never had fun anymore, it was just hours and hours of being her Support Human.

Sometimes a friendship runs its course. It's sad, but it happens.

YANBU

I’m sure you already do it but I would just point out her positives (not pander to her though).

You could even gently suggest that perhaps she may have a bit of depression and that seeing the GP might help.

A man is never the answer but it sounds like she could do with some distracting and dating is often very good for that, so I’d encourage her to start looking for someone else.

It may be that because she’s a single parent, you’re her only means to vent.

Something that I find challenging as a single parent is the fact that there is no one to talk things through with.
I wouldn’t say I’m a negative person at all but sometimes you just want someone to vent to and moan about something that happened in your day to.

Carrying the mental load is often harder than carrying the physical load all by yourself.

I think the problem is she’s using you - you personally- as her moan outlet.

Thats not your job.

Everyone moans sometimes even if their life is perfectly fine, but it sounds like you’ve given too much of yourself to her. Now you’re her moaning buddy and she’s forgetting how to have a friendship with you. Remind her!

Keep changing the subject when you see her. Or don’t meet up with her as much to protect yourself. That’s usually been my go to - if someone sees me as their support person with it all going one way, I let that friendship slide. I am my own worst enemy at times as I’m usually genuinely interested in people and like to help to a reasonable degree, but some people then take advantage.

Next time she goes on a negative rant you could maybe say something along the lines of:

I know it’s really tough being in your position but always focusing on the negatives can make you feel worse how about reminding yourself of two positives things in your life every time you get a negative thought.

gently reminding her she’s being negative and encouraging her to switch her attitude.

I totally get it too. The point comes where you have to make it about you.

I have (had) a male friend who first started talking to me about his marriage issues years ago. I suggested counselling. Nope, why should he, he wasn’t doing anything wrong.. She then left him and the teen kids and went off with the other bloke. He asked for advice about the kids, I was honest and said they’d be screwed up unless he could be the bigger person and encourage a relationship with their mum etc. Nope, she didn’t deserve his help. Surprise, the youngest kid is now early twenties and messed up.

For too long, my lunch breaks were taken up with him moaning about her shortfalls as a mother and delighting in any bad news he could dredge up about her. Energy vampire to say the least. Ignored all my advice. In the end, I just distanced myself totally. Stopped lunching, never saw him out of work, never messaged him.

I saw on FB the other day he was celebrating the anniversary of his divorce, which was 10 years ago. I was tempted to unfriend him altogether, just because it still frustrates me that he will not move on. Can only imagine what his current fiancée makes of it!

I have a friend a bit like this, she has made some utterly ridiculous decisions about men over the last almost 40 years. I do love her enough to endure it and sometimes it is endure. We are in touch on a regular basis and I find I steer the conversation around to other subjects but I’m very good at that just comes naturally. My Mother was a shocking whinger, I learned very young how to steer her away.

I have a relative who divorced 20 years ago, she still talks about it like it was last year and sometimes like he's still her husband! He cheated, a long affair and possible children involved so it was hard for her to get over, but 20 years!

Try and tell your friend that for her own sanity she should try to move on and carve out a more positive outlook on life. If things continue she could lose you as a friend and will wonder why if you never explain 🤷

Your reply.
“Yours is a truly tragic situation. It would bring tears to the hardest of hearts. I have listened to your tales of woe many times.
Now fuck off and let me enjoy the rest of my day. “

A close relative of mine is like this and it's been ten years. It's absolutely draining. I avoid seeing her or speaking her as much as possible tbh.

I think the only people who can answer if you’re being unreasonable is someone who is divorced. Are you op? Because I remember a friend of mine telling me her friend should really be over her mum dying a few years on and then her own mum died and she said she’d been an idiot. The mortgage thing is nothing- she thought she had a certain family and certain life and now that’s gone. I don’t think married/ couples or single people can know if she should be over it by now

This seems like a perfect thing to say. Hopefully it’ll give her the nudge she needs to realise how she’s behaving and move forward, but in a kind way.

My Mum is 78, so is her best friend. Her friend was married to a man for 20 odd years, he had an affair and left her. Few years later she married again. My Mum sees her every week, they’ve been pals since they were 17. Every week without fail her friend talks about her first husband, the affair, the divorce, the impact on the kids (they’re in their 50s). She’s been married to her second husband for 26 years now, but she can’t drop the whole breakdown of her first marriage. She’ll never get over it. I can see why it drives you mad, but equally I understand how you can never get over something / someone.

Thank you for all your replies & suggestions. I must admit it's a bit of relief to know I'm not alone in thinking how I do, as I was feeling a bit guilty about it.

I did suggest, along with many others that therapy would be good for her and she went initially in the first 6 months post break-up, but I believed at the time she was only going to try and win her ex back as it was all based around why she had cheated and she was trying to prove to him she'd changed. I know that if I suggest it now it would go down like a lead balloon. I genuinely don't think she is depressed....I think she just likes to steer the convo back to her divorce. I don't know whether this is to get attention or her not actually being over it all. That I can't quite tell.

She's an amazing friend in so many other ways and we have such good times together, but as I said it is getting me down. I even sat there thinking one time if she just loves the attention around it all, especially when she can go into great depths about it all to new people that don't know the full story. I sound like a terrible friend but I almost feel bad for her ex on occasions as the bad mouthing is hard to hear and just blatant fabrications at times, and her version of the truth has definitely changed over the years.

I don't feel quite ready to give up on this friendship yet. When she goes down this 'woe is me' path I do reiterate to her what amazing things she has in her life and try to steer the convo path but it doesn't always work. Maybe I do need to distance myself but it seems such a shame as we've been friends so long. I guess I'm almost grieving the friendship we used to have pre her divorce!

And to add she has had a few boyfriends over the years. The last bf I wasn't a fan off and he blew hot & cold with her and just all round not a great guy. She met someone new around 4 months ago now and he's fab. She seems genuinely happy in their relationship when together, but when they're apart things tend to drift back to the usual divorce topic of conversation. It honestly baffles me sometimes.

Op I was your friend. Not exactly but had a habit of hashing out my divorce with anyone I was dating or in the company of if the topic came up. It was a shit abusive marriage and drawn out post divorce legal proceedings too and was on my mind a lot. My dear cousin who is 10 yrs younger said to me….i think you need to stop talking about your divorce now especially with anyone new you are dating. It’s your past now lavender brown and not who you are. This is a quote because I so very distinctly remember her saying it. And I thought yep she’s right. Haven’t talked much about it since and truly not talking about it helped me heal. Be frank be sensitive and say it once. Hopefully she will pause and take in your words.

OP did I read correctly that she cheated and that’s what ended the marriage? I can see why your sympathy is slim if this is the case…!

It's not about how she feels about the divorce and her ex, it's about the fact that it lets her always bring the conversation back to her selfish self-centered self. Been there with a couple of people and after being sympathetic for years finally told them I was really bored now and didn't want to listen to it anymore. One of them got it and stopped, the other moved on to someone who was willing to let her drone on and on about herself. Both outcomes were a win-win for me.

If she’s still being negative about him to you then I can absolutely guarantee that she’s a very big part of why their DD has issues with her Dad.

I knew someone very similar. She would find any and every opportunity to turn a general conversation into an “all men / her ex specifically are shits” rant. Very often in front of her kids when she was picking them up after a play date with mine. It was pure poison.

Ironically (or rather pretty tragically for them all), her eldest pushed to live with her Dad. And her younger followed not many months after.

You haven’t said whether he left for an OW or not, but it sounds like she’s been very hypocritical with her own affair. As PPs have said, YANBU for getting tired of taking the brunt. But the ultimate loser is already her DD.

My dh took early retirement after poor treatment from a manager, he was effectively bullied.
Dh would bore anyone who would listen with the gory details.
It was embarrassing and wearing.
Fortunately we met a guy who’d been through the same but was even more boring than dh. His previous job was all he ever talked about.
Dh told me that he wished this guy would stop moaning and I pointed out that actually he was just the same.
Dh stopped that day and has not brought up the subject again.

Do you know anyone in a similar position that you could introduce your friend to who might give her an accurate reflection of what she’s like?

Failing that just tell her truthfully that she’s becoming a prize bore and it’s time she changed the record.

Another direction to take when she moans could be, (said very calmly and contemplatively as though it’s an off the cuff remark):

“you know, I’ve known you all these years, and I look at you and your beautiful dd and all of your fantastic achievements and good qualities, and I wonder why are you still focusing on the past? What is the payback for you in doing that? And what is so frightening about the future that is keeping you stuck? Maybe you should go and explore those questions with a trained psychologist because I don’t have any more answers?”

My (nearly ex!) MIL is an excellent cautionary tale for her.

The woman has been divorced for … 36 years. But she’s still unbelievably bitter about it and always going on about how everything is her exH’s fault etc. I have never had any encounter with her where she did not complain about FIL. It’s remarkable. And alienates everyone.

Your friend does not want to become my MIL.

Be prepared for the friend to dump you, even if you handle it with care and empathy.

We grew up together, went to school together. We had lived together in uni - backpacked around parts of the world together.

But as someone said up thread sympathy became her drug of choice.

I was so done of the absolutely unjustified martyrdom. It was like talking to a teenager again going over and over and over the he said she said heartbreak - but in every single conversation every single time we met up. If the conversation was about pink ice cream she could find a way to turn it into a conversation about how he left her and how terrible it was (He was 100 percent pushed by her, rather than jumped & she wanted it because she thought she could do better - it was also TEN YEARS AGO for a just over two year marriage)

I was very careful when we discussed it. She seemed OK at the time. But fuck me the text BS that followed of woe is me how could you side with him drama that followed was next level - then the vague 'why do people always stab me in the back' SM post where she chummed the water for the 'u ok hun' sympathy messages threw me over the edge.

We don't talk anymore.

She cheated on him.

I had this with a friend and couldn't stop her moaning so I thought I'd just moan back about some issue in my life every single time she moaned to ME about something. In her case it was her mother. Every time she moaned about her I took to moaning about mine. She was a bit puzzled. Eventually she stopped contacting me, probably because I had stopped being her moan outlet.