To think my friend needs to get over her divorce now?

[Whattodo24xx]

Ok, I know that sounds incredibly harsh but I'm at my wits end with my friend & it's beginning to affect how I feel about her...

For context, we've been friends since we were both 11, (38 now) and we've shared loads together. Including obviously supporting her when she split from her husband of 11 years 5 years ago. It was super tough for her at the time understandably and I was there for her every step of the way. She has a DD who's coming up for 10 now, whilst working full time and is a great mum. Ex still sees DD regularly but they don't have a good relationship which makes things harder.

The trouble is, my friend over the past 5 years has the attitude of 'woe is me' constantly 24/7 and it's so draining. Whilst I understand the struggles of being a single mum for the majority of the time, it's all she talks about like the entire world is out to get her. She doesn't have enough free time, she doesn't have enough money to do anything, she doesn't have this, she doesn't have that etc. Her ex is getting remarried this year and this has sparked a fresh set of hatred towards him that he's a dead beat, he should pay her more money (he pays her £465 pcm), he's a narcissist. Nothing is ever good enough and I just wish she would see how far she's come and what a wonderful life she does actually have. She has an amazing daughter, a house she owns outright with no mortgage and that her ex has no claim on, a decent career, she's a beautiful lady too, but she's blinded by the mindsight that is 'woe is me'.

I don't know how to approach this with her now, and I understand the transition period was always going to be hard, but 5 years of this attitude and it's beginning to take a toll on our relationship. We go out & do nice things together but the convo will quickly shift back to making a passing dissing comment about her ex, or how something went wrong in the house she had to pay for herself as she has no help etc etc. The thing is, she didn't even want to be with her ex at the end and it came to light a few weeks after he'd left she'd cheated on him anyway (which I've never criticised her for) but I do feel like she enjoyed the life she had before she divorced if that makes sense? I really have no idea how to broach this with her now...

YABU - It's hard for her
YANBU - She needs to start being happy for things she does have

This happened to a friend of mine, in the end her friend was calling evey evening and bringing my friend down.
She wrote her a letter and said she wasn't her counceller or partner and ot was far to heavy.
They didn't speak for a while but do know but not so close.
I would advise her to seek specialist help as it is to much for you.

You should suggest she sees a therapist to help her work through her feelings. This level of hate and obsession is going to make her ill. My ex MIL died of cancer, and I know it sounds OTT, but I am sure her negativity and hatred towards her ex was a major part of her health issues. It eats people up in side. Your friends needs to be grateful for what she has and focus on that. It sounds like she has a lot going for her.

She needs to hear it bluntly. Decline an invite for a social, because you can't cope with an evening of hearing her complain. Plead exhaustion. And when she bombards you afterwards with "Am I too ...?" Be honest and answer "Yes". You don't need to be nasty. You don't need to be confrontational. You don't need to give her advice. You just need to tell her how her behaviour is affecting you.

She's got used to discussing the divorce with YOU. Break the pattern by arranging an outing with someone else present.

You need to start monologuing about yourself and don't stop to draw breath.
I bet she won't hear a single word and nor will she give a shit.
She will just be waiting to jump in to talk about herself. Again.
It is truly exhausting.
Save yourself.

I see the same with my sister and I think it's to do with the fact that he's continuing to bring her down with nasty texts and comments all the time.

It can be hard to move on from the bitterness if she's still having to live with his narcissistic behaviour.

@Whattodo24xx I have a Uni friend like this and she eventually unfriended and broke off contact with most of us. She didn't feel we were as empathetic as she deserved. Just prior to this happening her DD asked to live with grandparents. At 9, she refused to see her Mum for months. Even that wasn't her wake up call...

My opinion is some people really struggle when the expectations they had for their life change outside of their control. It seems to 'awake' some deep resentments they are capable of holding and it's like a constant fuel to the fire - seeing others who are happy, seeing something in someone you wish you had yourself. I think it is much deeper than just 'comparison is the thief of joy'. There's something deeper to it that has them stuck in a very unhealthy and self absorbed place.

I'd try to make a few gentle statements around things like that 'it is an adjustment when your life isn't turning out how you imagined because of someone else's choices, and you also deserve to have a great life, the key now is to figure out what you want to do next'. Sadly, after my experience I'd say take distance as much as you can when it starts. Short catch up's vs long ones or do activities that don't require as much speaking - a film etc.

She's really missing out on life, not b/c of the divorce.

No in fact my friends behaved just like this person the day after I mentioned what happened to me and so I have to deal with my trauma alone when I have times of reprocessing. There isn't any way of speaking about my trauma so there isn't any other option but to have weeks where I need to deal with things alone and not say why I am not my usual self. Masking is the only option.

Not at all, I feel like the person allocated as the listener has every right as I stated but telling someone to mask their feelings is for the benefit of someone else. I think it is very self centred to say I want you to mask and never speak of this again and deal with it alone.

There was a time I was going through something I found really hard and for months it's all I could talk about with my friends. A friends boyfriend walked out the room as I was discussing this and I asked why, my friend just told me straight, "look we love you but you have been nonstop talking about this for months now and as much as we understand it's getting you down, it's getting us down too, please Don't think you can't talk to us but just put yourself in our shoes".

Up until that moment I hadn't realised how much I had gone on about it, how much it affected me, I was upset with my friends for a couple of days but they were right and it actually helped me snap out of it some what.

I think it's important to be honest with your friend but just say it in a way that shows you care.

If her ex is a narcissist, then she is no only dealing with past trauma but also new contant trauma from him. She needs therapy to help deal with him. When a narcissist gets remarried it dosnt mean he stops his torture of the ex, often his new partner will join in, as they believe his lies. It’s an extremely difficult situation for her, especially when sharing custody of children.
i went through it and it’s draining, one day I decided to not give him any further reactions and have zero contact, he was to collect his children from his parents (never from me).

he got bored and decided he didn’t want contact with his sons anymore … coz he couldn’t torture me.

best decision I’d ever made, sad for my kids but you can’t force someone to be a parent and me and boys were happy with the outcome as it was horrible for them and they never wanted to go anyway.
We’ve been free from my narc ex now 6 years, it’s been lovely, no dramas, but also no maintenance in 16 years (financial abuse too).

She needs your support, divorce is hard but divorce from a narcissist is different…. The abuse dosnt stop until you learn how and put boundaries in place.
Help her with that,talk to her about it, she sounds like she needs to vent. So help her to put boundaries in place where she can go no contact With the ex (use in-laws or her parents for pick-up of child).

once she does this, you’ll see your old friend appear and she’ll be so much happier.

but she’ll still need to do some work on the trauma … it can make you physically ill if you don’t

That’s exactly it, the trauma is still happening, the divorce didn’t change that. Because the ex is a narcissist he is still using her as a supply, they love to torture they get dopamine hits that way. Until you set boundaries it will continue, your sis needs to go no contact to get any peace. I did this by dropping my sons to in-laws instead of ex narc husband, and in-laws would drop them home after.

and I stayed no contact, he tried his hardest to hoover me back in but I continued to ignore everything, all his lies etc etc until he got bored.

He once told everyone he knew that social services had contacted him about my children and they were going to take them away from me. … when I heard, I laughed and said “that a new one”, I knew it was all a ruse to get a reaction from me … and I wasn’t going to play his game. He got silence, grey rock.

he got bored in the end, contact stopped (exs choice).

YANBU - still say this as a divorced mum of two. My ex moved abroad and remarried.
Every situation is different so I may not understand all difficulties she has gone through, but the longer she moans, the longer she is delaying to be happy.

She is the only person who can determine to be happy or otherwise, after all.

It’s nice that you are there for her to listen, and I think she feels comfort, but she should probably learn that no one can keep listening to the same argument without intention to make it better. I would keep distance too.

Perhaps you can suggest she should seek for help ? It’s important.

My wife left me for someone else 9 months ago and we're getting divorced. It's been really traumatic and although I've reached the "acceptance" stage, I still regularly feel overwhelmed with sadness about the loss of the future I thought we had together, the childhood I thought our DC would have, and the loss of my precious marriage and best friend. It's a deep sadness which I suppose I'll learn to live with but I don't think will go away. I try not to bore my friends too much and I have therapy, which has helped.

People process things differently. Perhaps your friend's way of coming to terms with regret/sadness is to moan about her ex. You could suggest she tries therapy?

I ended up letting a friendship die after spending years listening to my friend moaning. She would complain about anything and everything and I started to dread when we met up. I started to back off and go low contact and don't regret my choice. Every time we met up it felt like she was depleting my reserves - in the end the tax that I paid to be her friend was not worth it.

Just keep changing the subject, ask her about her future plans, but her off when the "woe is me" starts.