A question to all those who think school refusal in schools is increasing due to lazy, enabling parents...

[Edsspecialsauce]

The question I always have is why?
Why would we choose this?
I hear all the time that it's all our fault, it's just parents letting them get away with murder. Enabling their behaviour etc
How come you get families where one sibling is fine in school and the other has to be dragged in screaming?
Why would I choose to spend my whole time in the playground begging?
Why would I choose to be on a final warning at work due to absence?
Why would I choose to be on antidepressants due being completely burnt out after five years of struggling?
I'm a single parent and my DC is disabled. I could probably get benefits and home ed, so why if I'm not bothered about her education am I dragging her through the school gates, crying (I'm often crying too)
Every day, five days a week, for years.

Oh lord this sounds very hard.

I don’t really have any personal experience of school refusal but I know what it’s like when kids dig their heels in (dd with an eating disorder).

You feel really judged. I am constantly being told by other mums that I “just need to make her eat more protein…you should deprive her of all her leisure activities until she eats properly… you should remove all sugar from the house… you should stop her doing exercise so she doesn’t burn calories.”

I always want to say, walk a mile in my shoes before you start lecturing me about curing my bunions!

But I don’t, I usually smile and nod and say “oh yes silly me why didn’t I think of that I will give it a try”.

It is very hard not to feel judged. I try no to listen to the people who want me to feel I’m singularly to blame for my dd’s problems me the obstacle for her not being miraculously cured.

I hope you find your people, who will listen with sympathy and support you

Because there are some lazy, enabling parents.

But there are equally some parents, like yourself, who absolutely to NOT fall into that bracket. The fact you have been doing this for years, shows your determination. But don't keep your child in school just because of what you think people will think of you.

If you want to home school and get government help, get it. That's what it's there for.
I hope it gets easier OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation.

I have watched in horror as my bf has been through this. It nearly broke her several times. My heart goes out to you

Again this isn't so much a personal post. It's the blasé way that parents are blamed and I think but why would they choose this? If they're getting their kids to school, if they are working with the school and engaging in whatever support that the school give them, then why would they want to encourage (either unconsciously or overtly) their child to not go to school or to fear it?

I had 3 who to school no problem and one who us an absolute nightmare. Same house, same parenting, not the same children. I hear you OP!

@ToWorkOrNotToWork I really feel your pain, I can't imagine ever commented on someone's parenting in that sort of 'why don't you try.,' way. It's either going to be offensively inappropriate or just plain wrong.

I can answer this.

Because it’s far easier to blame ‘lazy parents’ than to actually look at the root cause of school refusal. Until we as a society wake up to the dysfunctional environment we have created for our children nothing will change.
(Ex teacher turned home educator here).

I feel for you so much op. This is not normal or healthy for you or your child.

Yes my daughter did this for a year.. he's nine and been home educated since.. MH is 100% better.. ( he's ASD).. meltdowns reduced.
Meets up with other home educated children and parents .
Compared to his peers he is more advanced and doing Maths for age 12.

I don't care what they think now. Like you, I dragged my child to school for years and damaged her mental health so badly that she was suicidal. She was totally burned out and it wasn't til a GP signed her off, that I realised quite how awful it was.
All because attendance is SO important. All because I took the advice of 'professionals' who actually had no understanding of my child's needs.
I am so angry. All those fuckers can fuck themselves if they think we enabled this. It is so tough, op. I homed educate now.

Oh I hear you. My ds was fine, dd was a “school refuser” - how I hate that term!

I am a teacher and told nobody at work, because I heard the way my colleagues talk about school refusers. The “if that was my child they would not dare”, and much worse.
In the end I had to quit work so that dd could be home educated. I was also on antidepressants by that time and very close to a complete breakdown myself.

Things are better now and I am back at work, at a different school and mentally much stronger. It is my mission to educate my colleagues about EBSA (emotionally based school avoidance, much better description than school refusal!) and share my experience. I hope I am changing minds in my school.

When I hear about increased long term absences from school I think some of it must be related to increased poorly behaved kids / reduced consequences for poor behaviour in school.

who would want to go to school where you have to sit in close proximity to volatile, violent teens? Not me!

Because, like most unpleasant things, people deal with it by convincing by themselves it couldn’t happen to them because they’re a superior parent, wouldn’t let it happen etc. Humans struggle with the anxiety from knowing that sometimes bad stuff just happens and you can’t control it.

Also because if they admitted the real reasons behind school refusal they’d have to face the reality that there needs to be more funding (ie more tax) to pay for better staffing and properly meeting the needs of pupils with SEN or mental health problems, and there needs to be an attitude change to how we treat young people in schools. Blaming parents is the easy option.

Oh I get this. I have a child with Arfid. The amount of people who have said "wouldn't happen in my house"!!!!! Feel free to take them for a few weeks if you know so much better lol

Why when my DC changed setting from mainstream to specialist, where her needs were FINALLY met did she suddenly start going in absolutely fine to my utter gobsmacked disbelief!?!

research john gatto taylors perspectives on modern schooling methods

Solidarity. I’m going through this now, have been for over a year. It’s exhausting. The education system needs a major overhaul for the sake of every child out there.

Will never judge anyone for that. We here have been very blessed with the school , despite gentle sensitive daughter who did not want to go even to birthday parties and was going away from her classmates coming in the playground after school. She did not refuse being with the kids at school though and I will never judge a human being when they feel unsafe or unhappy around others ( for whatever reason )

School refusal is not a choice.
Kids don't get almost to the finishing line of school only to decide they can't be arsed. They are often high achievers with previous excellent attendance.
It's a cruel MH issue that can tear families apart.
I suffered with an anxiety and panic disorder in my 20s, l can't imagine the stress and strain of being a young teen in a school environment trying to deal with the horrific symptoms. Many adults refer themselves to A&E when suffering these symptons, it's a very frightening experience, not just a case of feeling nervous.

@ToWorkOrNotToWork I had an eating disorder as a child. Please, please do not listen to these professionals. If my parent had done any of that, I would have restricted even more just so I could get some power back.

candaby653 · Today 19:40

Oh I get this. I have a child with Arfid. The amount of people who have said "wouldn't happen in my house"!!!!! Feel free to take them for a few weeks if you know so much better lol

yep and the other poster who shared similar ( eating thing ). I actually always cut people short and we fixed it after finding the right specialist but boy, do you feel judged when you do. yes

I 100% never thought the problem was lazy parents. All the school refusers I know have terrible anxiety which comes out in all sorts of ways and/or have undiagnosed SEN or SEN that was diagnosed after they'd fallen terribly behind.

But then I read a post on here where someone said they had become much less bothered about their children going to school since the pandemic because it didn't seem like the school was that bothered during the pandemic so why should she bother with it now. That sort of attitude is really worrying I think.

To be honest is I was you I'd have given up work, gone on benefits and got your child out of school long ago if that was an option. I think being forced to go to school when it causes that much trauma has to be very damaging but I understand you're just trying to do what's best and hold everything together on your own so no judgement meant. It sounds like an incredibly, incredibly difficult situation.

Would you mind private messaging me about your specialist. I don't want to derail the threat

Please, can you message me? I cannot find the link

Just want to add my 2 pennies.
I was a school refuser, now in early 40s, the damage my parents did to me forcing me in and the misery it caused all of us has affected me my whole life, right now I have 2 little ones who love school but if they ever change I won’t even blink at removing them, I’m already a broke single parent so financially I won’t be much worse off but even if it meant giving up a career etc, I’d still do it, I won’t risk putting them through what I did and the impact it’s had on me. I got my formal education later at college, but the trauma and lack of support for me and my needs back then has damaged me.

OP the information is coming out of some schools. You can trawl through the Governor minutes on many schools’ websites. Some highlight wellbeing post Covid being an issue, social emotional demand based avoidance, parents’ mental health affecting children and I have even seen some state in their minutes that working from home is causing parents to want to keep their children at home too, for company/comfort. So many are highlighting it being a post Covid exacerbated issue and highlight the social emotional regression in children due to Covid. Some note a marked increase in SEN and waiting lists and teaching parents techniques to cope with it.