A question to all those who think school refusal in schools is increasing due to lazy, enabling parents...

[Edsspecialsauce]

The question I always have is why?
Why would we choose this?
I hear all the time that it's all our fault, it's just parents letting them get away with murder. Enabling their behaviour etc
How come you get families where one sibling is fine in school and the other has to be dragged in screaming?
Why would I choose to spend my whole time in the playground begging?
Why would I choose to be on a final warning at work due to absence?
Why would I choose to be on antidepressants due being completely burnt out after five years of struggling?
I'm a single parent and my DC is disabled. I could probably get benefits and home ed, so why if I'm not bothered about her education am I dragging her through the school gates, crying (I'm often crying too)
Every day, five days a week, for years.

I think the school system has a lot to answer for. We moved to Australia when DS2 was in primary school. Because of the age difference with his peers he was held back a year.

He was given the time to focus on social development instead of 'schooling'. He still did well, was placed in mixed class so did math and science with the year level above anyway.

No homework, except for reading. None at all. No struggles at home to get things done. No juggling of extra curricular activities with homework. He adored school. Covid lockdown was difficult, and he struggled, but they organised online game sessions with class peers which helped.

Now in high school homework has been gradually introduced. Starting with work that wasn't finished in class, and is slowly increasing.

I had a child who loved being with friends but struggled with with demands of school in the UK - swinging between liking it when he had a good teacher, and hating it when he had a disciplinarian style teacher (who insisted he was a full year behind in school work, when I got him assessed he definitely wasn't!).

This strong focus on 'learning' above all else in UK schools is destroying the well being of many children.

So if homeschooling can replicate this more laid back environment, absolutely do what is best for your DC!

Sunrisemouse
You dont apparently need a diagnosis for ehcp

Ny eldest picks at fingers it doesnt bleed but looks like fingers are dying! All red abd blotchy.

It’s a complex issue and very difficult to change because schools are so beholden to the government and ofsted.

We all know that there needs to be more funding, less pressure, an overhaul in the entire system but that’s not going to come from above. The toffs in Whitehall don’t give a shit.

The only way I see this changing is from within. Teachers, headteachers, governors and parents have to rise up and say ‘enough’. There needs to be a revolution. We are failing our children. Schools themselves have to stop ‘enabling’ this toxic environment and enforcing the government’s ridiculous policies onto families. I say it time and time again but so many within the system have got what I call Collective Stockholm Syndrome.

I don't think it is down to lazy enabling parents in every case or even most cases but there was research last year which suggested that there had been a seismic shift in how parents in general saw the importance of school attendance, with it becoming apparent that more than ever just didn't see it as important.

There have always been kids who hate school and for whom school is a place or dread and frustration, I was one of them and I did try often and persistently to no attend school but I simply was made to go. I can't think of any kid from my whole schooling though the 80s and 90s who successfully refused school, I know a few who were expelled and then sent to different schools but none who got away with not going. The fact is that School refusal has increased massively in recent years because some parents let their kids away with it, not all, not you OP but unfortunately some do.

I know conditions have changed and that kids face pressures today they did not in the past. There is some truth though that some parents simply don't view school attendance as that important and let their kids away with not going in. Its those parents OP should direct their annoyance at.

I think this is massively short sighted. Schools are different now: more pressure to master a vast curriculum, that keeps growing. Teachers at burnout who can't support kids. Under qualified TA staff left to cover lessons that should be led by teachers. Bigger classes. Covid fallout. Kids with pressure to tick every box in extra curricular activities on top of school work. Social media pressures causing social issues. Less time in nature, more tine on screens. It's sooooooooo much harder to be a kid nowadays. Simply not comparable.

@kitkatnatnat

I read 'school on fire' a few weeks ago and cried. It described so perfectly how my DD felt at school.

She wasn't able to go to school for 2 years in total. Yes I know there are parents out there who don't care if their kids make it into school or not but I don't believe they are in the majority.

My DD desperately wanted to go to school in years 9,10,11. At the start I tried everything I could do to get her in.. but more she went in the worse things got. A year of self harming including slashing her face, stitches, an overdose, stopping her food intake until I had to take her to A and E and she was put on a drip.

None of this was in any way fun for anyone and she felt even worse by not being able to be like her friends and do all the normal things she should have been doing. These things continued long after I stopped trying to make her go in.

All of the above was because of school - a place where she actually wanted to be. She went on to get a diagnosis for Autism but not until she was almost 15.

My DS however is absolutely fine in school and they have both had the same parenting/ upbringing.

For every parent that thinks that they would 'never let their kids get away with that' or judging 'lazy' parenting , or thinking that parents let their kids have too much of a say, there is a parent feeling utterly desperate, feeling so scared and sad for their kids, worried about losing their job as they can't Ieave their DC alone in the house, worried about getting fined, feeling judged by the school and other parents, being told to take away devices as a punishment and that kids need consequences for not going to school (it's can't not won't. As others have said, it makes no difference as they actually want to be able to be in school) whilst having to hear about and watch so many of their peers thriving and having a normal life like their DC should be.

The parents themselves invariably feel very depressed and lonely themselves.

I don't think anyone can comment / judge unless you have had this happen first hand to you. If you do judge then you are probably also one of the parents giving yourself a big Pat on the back thinking because your DC is thriving at school - it's all down to your marvellous parenting. Many of us were and are marvellous parents too. But it doesn't work that way.

I have a child who was adopted with complex sn's due to developmental trauma.

Years of carrying him to school having my hair pulled out, glasses thrown, him leaving school and coming home. This was all primary school. He started leaving and walking home at 7. It was terrifying.

I work with specialists, psychiatrists, school supports and it's been a bloody long ride.

Grade 7 and he just started doing full days maybe once a week. Half days most of the time.

School is good for him and he thankfully has great friends there so it's worth it. He is happy and proud when he goes. He WANTS to be there but his anxiety due to PTSD is debilitating. I want him to be there too because I have my own PTSD from parenting a child who can be violent. I need the break.

Every day I try my hardest and yes, some days I do let him stay home because I am exhausted from the battle.

Trust me him staying home isn't relaxing but waking up each day to spend hours trying to get your kid to school is exhausting. I'm a single mum too so no one to trade off with.

When I do let him stay home all day it's not because I'm lazy (although I do feel guilty often) it's because I'm burnt out and my own mental health needs a break.

Kids want to go to see their friends and go to school. One day off sure, but repeatedly is boring and lonely. If a child is refusing they aren't spoiled something deeper is happening.

I commented on similar recently. The problem is all absences are treated the same and they shouldn't be.
Children with disabilities who require extra tine off/suffer more with illnesses, children who have to wait 3yrs on a waiting list fir CAMHS /ND assessment, but are still expected to attend school without any support in the meantime, mental health through the roof, some parents are lazy and can't be arsed to get up and take the kids in, and some kids decide to simply nick off.
Those are NOT situations that require the same actions.

Schools need a complete overhaul from the curriculum to the uniform. More specialist schools needed. My dd11 is having real problems attending school currently, she is autistic and the school can't meet her needs. The send manager admitted they are oversubscribed with autistic children as there is nowhere else for them to go. Hence my dd doesn't get any help as she is one of so many and they just don't have the resource/staff. After months of dragging my daughter literally kicking and screaming to school I've decided enough is enough. I feel terrible I've put her through that for so long. I'm a single mum who works luckily I can work from home but it's not ideal. The 'not fine in school' Facebook page has been a lifesaver for me and made me realise I'm not alone. 50k members and growing. We need a revolution. The media needs to be made aware. Maybe a post office type drama ?!

It is not a one size fits all problem.

There are some parents who are lazy and don't push their children to attend school. There are parents like you who do everything they can. There are parents in between.

Surely the easiest way to tell the difference is the response of the parent. It couldn't have been more obvious I was beside myself when DD couldn't make it into school. As others have related, I was immensely stressed..struggling with my own teaching job and other child and for the first time in my life, at a point where I would have considered seeing a GP for my own mental health. That's a far cry from someone ignoring phone calls or emails, shrugging their shoulders and just carrying on with their own thing. Far more nuance and an acceptance that parents cannot solve this (EBSA)with tough parenting.

The government are not helping at all. I am currently fighting my way through all the EHCP process at the moment, it has taken two years to get the point where they will assess her and it's now going to be another nine months to get an educational psychologist to look at her. I have no idea why they need an EP when my daughter is classic ASD, dreaming of her rich internal world, not listening, or itching herself out of anxiety or trying to rub her face against the TA's fluffy jumper.
I know those home educating will say this is denial but I honestly think she gets a lot from school and would miss it if she want there. She has an initial fight or flight when she has to leave me but she comes out excited and happy. She tells me about her friends and her play times, and that's all I care about right now, is her happiness rather than academics.
I think school refusal is a big problem with SEN children but I don't think this is just a SEN issue. Two of the other children I see having a hard time going in on a daily basis aren't SEN, they're just really unhappy. They almost need more attention than my DC, because at least we understand the cause of my child's school refusal. If I talk to my DD on an evening about school the next day, her face will light up and she'll talk about everything she loves. My friends children are already anxious about the next day when they come out of school. That is true school anxiety. My daughter is another kettle of fish, she cannot tolerate separation from me if it's not to be with someone who will also contain her. The difference between a TA being there to greet her and immediately take her into an activity and her having to walk through the door on her own is incredible. She just can't walk away from me on her own. It's too unknown.
So if school could just guarantee that the same TA would always be there, I think this problem would go away. But they can't, as that TA has to help the 20 other children who are struggling with the morning transition.

But who are those lazy parents? I don't recognise them at all. With my judgemental hat on, I know a few mums who don't work and don't have smaller children. They would hate to have their child under their feet getting in the way of their cleaning routine, socialising, exercise routine, yoga. And I think that's the same for both the skint mums and the rich ones.

My heart aches for you 😔 eating disorders are all about control and those suggestions are a sure fire way to make things worse when all the experts talk about the need to remove the pressure associated with food 😕

There have always been children skipping school when dd was little there was one girl the school couldn't even send her home with a book because she never showed up again

Hello I just wanted to let you know, we have just got an EHCP for our year 4 son. Similar situation to your daughter. It was a 2 year fight, I applied for the EHCP myself, council refused then conceded to assess before we got to tribunal. Then delay to assess as there were no Ed psychs. Then the fight for specialist school! It has been constant emails, telephone calls and visits to our home. Son is diagnosis adhd but waiting for ASD diagnosis. You don't need a diagnosis for an EHCP. Our son has not been to school since June, school have agreed they can't meet his needs. We heard yesterday that he has got a space at our preferred specialist school. I won't lie it is so hard, and I felt like giving up at times. But I am so relieved he is going to go somewhere suited for him! All of can say is make a nuisance of yourself- unfortunately those who shout loudest seem to get the most. And escalate it as high as you can. Sendiass are amazing (or equivalent in your area) as they can advise on the law (which our local authority seem to have a loose grasp of!) plus Facebook groups are very supportive. I wish you luck and hope your daughter is ok.

Why has this problem got worse over the years? Let’s not forget that there is more to stay at home for now.
Netflix and other streaming services, games consoles, internet…

Years ago if a kid stayed off school they didn’t have much to do other than sit at home and watch the 4 basic channels which showed all the usual daytime rubbish.

People will probably be up in arms about this but if some school refusers (not all, I do realise there are some with actual issues) were made to sit in a room all day with no phone and no TV, and we’re not allowed to sleep the time away, I dare say they’d eventually decide to give school another try.

You’ve assumed my child wasn’t also suicidal and isn’t also neurodivergent. That's a huge oversight on your part.

luckily she has a very supportive school. We have so far made it work.

also, if I quit my job we wouldn’t afford a house. So you were obviously able to do so, again HUGE oversight to assume that is affordable for others.

I know what you mean, as I have friends who has a couple of DC who skip into school, and another refusing in the playground.

There are some enabling parents though. One of my friends lets her DD stay off at the drop of a hat. Whenever she is off, she takes her down the park, or beach, or to do something really special. This is a really bad idea. In the end they put her back a year, because she had missed so much.

Congratulations on being able to home educate. That really isn’t an option for some.

My 12 year old and I (and DH) are traumatised by her period of school refusal.

She attends every day now for part of the day. I have to go back to school multiple times per day for her to offload to me and to give her moral support and try and get her to the next lesson. She is finally calm and happy, most of the time, but our lives revolve around getting her to school.

In primary she had 100% attendance, captain of various teams, Head Girl etc. It all unravelled due to the sheer size, noise and transitions required in secondary school. She doesn't feel safe there.

I am resentful in many ways as my world is made smaller by her actions - though they're not a "choice" as such. I miss taking my other children to school and I miss having a job outside the home.

@Jifmicroliquid ridiculous. Such a generalisation. I don't let my daughter have any access to tablets or the TV when she can't face school. She doesn't enjoy these days, she feels incredibly guilty and anxious. She is in tears off and on all day. She is a ball of emotions because she's out of routine. She feels overly compelled to try to 'do school work' and brings me reems and reems of sums, which will all be wrong as she hasn't had any support to do them, or pages and pages of writing full of spelling mistakes and no punctuation.

@Jifmicroliquid you have absolutely no clue. Go back and read this thread again. Attitudes like yours are part of the problem.

I have been there. Sorry you are now. Had lots of comments. Like just drag them. I would make them. One said wldnt put up with it. Another said it was my choice I didn't make them go. Got asked have I asked them why don't want go!! Obviously I had. Child goes to a smaller special school now and goes most days but still worry when he leaves what he will do. Will we be back to square one. Feel free to message me if you want.

I know that, which is why I didn’t come on the thread and characterise persistence with school attendance as ‘failure’.

I am able to see that all children and family circumstances are different, and what works for us wouldn’t work for everyone.

You on the other hand implied that all of us who are forced down a different path are failing our children, and that our children are failing at education. You are not a superior person or parent because you are able to force your daughter into school- you just have a daughter for whom that is possible.