Is it me or is this bloody weird behaviour?

[Sparklfairy]

I have two male friends. They're both the same age (late 30s) and similar situations, long term single, never been married etc. But they don't know each other - this is relevant as they haven't influenced each other's behaviour iyswim.

But they BOTH do this really weird thing and I can't work it out!

When we arrange to meet up, we decide a time, say 3pm. I'm pretty laid back so if someone is running late or plans change, that's fine, but to me, 'shall we say 3pm?' means 3pm.

Every single time, at 3pm or 2.50pm, I'll get a text saying, 'Just popping to Sainsburys, I'll let you know when I'm ready.' Like WTF do you need to go to Sainsburys right now? You've had all day? You could go tomorrow? What?

One Xmas I was travelling quite far to see one friend, and knowing what he's like, checked in before I committed to the specific bus. I was en route and about to change buses - I could get one bus to his, or one to mine, so I needed to know. He goes 'Oh I'm just out right now getting some net curtains, dunno when I'll be back'. So I got the bus to mine and he was a bit put out I cancelled!

I know I'll get some snidey comments saying they just don't like me very much and yeah ok. But I'm pretty sure they do this to everyone. The reason I mentioned their single status and age is because what I really think is they're so used to just doing what they want, when they want, they just work to their own timescales and don't really think about commitments they've made to other people. Sort of innate selfishness even though Friend 2 in particular is actually really nice and kind most of the time.

I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this - or does this?

I had a friend who was like this at times. Once she said she'd come round at specified o'clock, at that time she texted me to say she was getting in the shower, eventually turned up 2 hours later.
I can't stand lateness and if you've made plans with me unless you actually cancel I expect to have those plans at the specified time

Maybe they have time blindness? Could you make adjustments for them ?

Time blindness FFS.

it's disrespectful.

Pretty sure at 37 they're well aware that they do this and inconvenience other people. Imo that makes it firmly a them problem, for them to find strategies to sort it. Not my problem!!

Actually I had another thread where many people explained that time blindness can be a known component of diagnosed ADHD. You have been too hasty to dismiss.

Yes I knew someone who did this and I stopped meeting up with them. It just felt like petty game playing, there might have been other reasons but I was so fed up with last minute changes that I called it a day.

ADHD can be diagnosed later in life. It's worth checking in with them to make sure you aren't punishing them for something unavoidable

I've got a friend like this and tbh it's a good thing for him he's charming, rich and great company.

With respect, I have ADHD and totally get time running away with you. Like you turn around after doing a job you think will take 15 minutes and two hours has gone.

But I make sure I'm ready well ahead of time so I don't rush. And it can't be that much of a time blindness thing as they text me RIGHT at the time we're supposed to meet - they know what time it is.

They just randomly decide some non urgent errand needs doing first right at that time and I should wait.

I wouldn't care whether they had ADHD or not tbh. I've got a life to live...they need to get there on time or stop wasting my time.

I mean I totally understand but I read a long debate about ADHD and time blindness where people literally said even setting alarms for events wasn't enough sometimes as they got distracted. This was mostly in the context of work duties but also important things like catching flights. Meeting a friend although important, could easily be affected. Have a read as I'm interested of your views

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4991636-to-what-extent-should-you-make-accommodations-for-time-blindness?page=1

I think the only way to manage this (assuming you want to continue to see them) is to arrange for them to come to you at a time when you're planning on having a home day anyway. What are they like if you're planning something with a timeline, eg event that starts at a set time? Do they do it then too? Personally I find it so disrespectful to habitually do this. As you say, they know bloody well the time because they message at exectly the time you'd arranged to meet.

I have an old friend like this, I was sick to death of them always running late. Why am I so unimportant that you think I should just wait?! Rude. I don’t see them much now at all. They can manage to get to work on time, and to the airport on time for their thrice yearly trips, but everyone else they’ve arranged to have coffee or lunch with can just wait.

Okay. So that doesn't explain why they text at exactly 3pm telling me they're going to the supermarket. With no apology, 'Sorry, I just really need bread/milk/whatever for tomorrow'. Just an announcement and I'll let you know when I'm ready.

It doesn't explain the non urgent errand. If you realise it's 3pm and text me, why can't you meet me instead of going to the supermarket?

I've had forever late people - often try and meet them at locations where I can get on and if they are late it impacts me as little as possible.

But knowing you are on you way and doing something that will take a long time so they won't be there - it's like they are telling you to wait around unspecified amount of time because they are too busy for you or are trying to tell you to go and do something else and turn up later - I'd find that very confusing.

Oh god no this is far worse with Friend 1.

I was helping him study for a course and rearranged my day on a few occasions, like take a morning off work to help him for free (I'm SE).

Every single time he'd text at the time he was due to arrive saying, 'Just putting some washing on. Need to wait for it to finish and hang it up and then I'll be over'. So 3hrs+ late then yeah? Meanwhile I have to rejuggle my morning now which is difficult in my line of work to fill the time.

A couple of times he just didn't turn up, days later said yeah sorry I was a bit tired. I gave up helping him and had a few passive aggressive comments of 'ugh finding this course so hard...' with silence from me.

Friend 2 is not as arrogant as Friend 1 - he just always seems to have an urgent need for a supermarket trip right at meeting time...

I came across this quite a lot when I was dating a few years ago. People can get to fuck with it and I'll stay single thank you very much. Time Tossers I call them. Zero self awareness.

From what you say, they seem incapable of change for whatever reason, medical or not. It's therefore up to you decide to still meet or meet in such a way that them being late doesn't affect you so much . Ie meeting to go round a gallery, if they meet you at the gift shop, so be it.

Even if this is the case, she’s not punishing them. They’re punishing her, if anything?

Punishing on this thread. In real life it seems like everyone is losing out !

Oh god, I knew somebody would roll out ADHD as a suggestion.

I have ADHD. I don't bloody behave like that, it's just rude.

No wonder they are still single.

I don’t think their age and sex are relevant. I can think of women I know who do this. Anyway, it doesn’t matter if it’s having a negative impact on you. Are you being as tentative as you sound about timings? — I wouldn’t say ‘Shall we say three pm?’ I’ll say ‘3 is in my diary. Subject to some emergency, I will see you at x at 3. If you’re not there by ten past, I will leave and not make arrangements to see you again until you become more punctual, because I’m busy and you piss me off.’

My mother in law is like this and it drives me batty - so rude! Sister in law is similar. Thankfully DH is far more punctual.

I don't think it's a single man thing, just a slightly-self-abdorbed-person thing.

But others with ADHD do! It's not my suggestion it's a suggestion from people with ADHD who said time blindness was a huge component of it. See link to thread above

That message has great vibes ! Bet they can't wait 😂