Is it me or is this bloody weird behaviour?

[Sparklfairy]

I have two male friends. They're both the same age (late 30s) and similar situations, long term single, never been married etc. But they don't know each other - this is relevant as they haven't influenced each other's behaviour iyswim.

But they BOTH do this really weird thing and I can't work it out!

When we arrange to meet up, we decide a time, say 3pm. I'm pretty laid back so if someone is running late or plans change, that's fine, but to me, 'shall we say 3pm?' means 3pm.

Every single time, at 3pm or 2.50pm, I'll get a text saying, 'Just popping to Sainsburys, I'll let you know when I'm ready.' Like WTF do you need to go to Sainsburys right now? You've had all day? You could go tomorrow? What?

One Xmas I was travelling quite far to see one friend, and knowing what he's like, checked in before I committed to the specific bus. I was en route and about to change buses - I could get one bus to his, or one to mine, so I needed to know. He goes 'Oh I'm just out right now getting some net curtains, dunno when I'll be back'. So I got the bus to mine and he was a bit put out I cancelled!

I know I'll get some snidey comments saying they just don't like me very much and yeah ok. But I'm pretty sure they do this to everyone. The reason I mentioned their single status and age is because what I really think is they're so used to just doing what they want, when they want, they just work to their own timescales and don't really think about commitments they've made to other people. Sort of innate selfishness even though Friend 2 in particular is actually really nice and kind most of the time.

I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this - or does this?

In all seriousness if you cant see that these blokes are just being bloody rude and disrespectful then I feel sad for you. You must be very deluded. Whatever issues someone might or might not have this is honestly just rude, disrespectful behaviour. I bet they manaage to turn up on time for flights, work and other 'non movable' things so why in gods name can't they extend the same courtesy to their friends.

I have a friend like this and it's very frustrating because I have small children. I always stick to the time we arrange to meet but she doesn't. It makes me dread the days we make plans for because it happens every time. I think that's just who she is and I either have to accept it or not be friends with her anymore.

My ex was like this. His time mattered,but mine didn’t.

I also had a female friend forever doing this.

Its just entitlement really.

Its the way they clearly know its 3pm. They look at their phone and go "ah, time to meet Sparkl. Actually maybe I'll just do some non essential task instead".

Incidentally my own ADHD means my life is pretty dominated by The Thing. So if I have a dentist appointment at 2pm, I find it really really hard to focus on anything until 2pm and The Thing is done.

I manage it by scheduling appointments as early in the day as possible, but obviously that's harder with social things. Evening events mean the whole day is a write off and I faff about spending 10 hours getting ready.

And then, if The Thing is cancelled or delayed, I feel completely paralysed and don't know what to do with myself. I look at my to do list and don't know where to start with it.

I don't see any "adjustments" on their part for that, and yes, they both know how much I struggle and how hard I try.

We have a friend who's dog we agreed to have for a few days while they went away on holiday

I got up that morning at 6am,got to work for 8am,did 8 hours and left at 4pm

We'd agreed he'd drop the dog off at about 4:15/4:30

11:45pm he finally showed up-i was fuming but its just laughed off as 'that's the way he is'

It's not the first time (he's missed hoildays,trains,events-the lot)

Time blindness can be a thing but everyone seems to blame their shortcomings on one excuse or another.

I was friends with someone who was like this. I started turning up half an hour late to our agreed times.

The reason I mentioned their single status and age is because what I really think is they're so used to just doing what they want, when they want, they just work to their own timescales and don't really think about commitments they've made to other people. Sort of innate selfishness even though Friend 2 in particular is actually really nice and kind most of the time.

This is my MIL. She'll say "I'll be with you at 2pm" and the you'll get a phone call at 1.30pm that she's just leaving her house (which is 2 hours away), after you'd stayed in for the afternoon to wait for her.

I've given up. Plans are looser, I always have a back up and I don't sacrifice things to wait around for someone who can't work out that you can't do a two hour journey in 30 mins.

As an aside: I too have diagnosed ADHD. Because of this I have had to be militant making sure I'm on time so I don't piss people off.

It's not being 'time blind' it's being self absorbed and rude.

If someone with "time blindness" could turn up early to pick up a 50k cash prize, otherwise it would be forfeited, than it's clear that they aren't motivated enough or willing enough to prioritize what they consider minor appointments and meetings.

I'm not saying Time Blindness doesn't exist, just that we all have struggles of various kinds and we have to learn to overcome or cope with them and not always expect others to change their plans and behavior to suit us.

I have struggled with lateness, so I put in routines and structures in my life to prevent my bad habits. I also read up on understanding why I behave that way (run late) to figure out what I needed to change.

Could you set alarms on your phone? Does it make you really late for work?

It is avoidable though. I’m ND and I set alarms… annoys DH a little but it allows me to be organised and reduces stress. He’s actually terrible for being on time (NT).

it's only happened 3 times

Maybe any 'friends' who do this have been weeded out from my circle, but this really is next level rude in my book. If anyone called me at the time we were supposed to meet saying they were 'going to the supermarket' I would say 'oh, I'm sorry to miss you , see you next time'. Probably give them one more chance, more likely only ever arrange to meet up in a group situation so it wouldn't matter if they were significantly late.

I've had plenty of experience of plans changing at the last moment and needing to rearrange but a text/call up front as soon as you know you are running late is the minimum courtesy that I expect from my friends.

My inlaws do this. It really grates on my nerves. So rude!

I have a friend like this too. And I’ve lost my shit with him on many an occasion. As he manages to hold down a very lucrative job (with strict deadlines) and catch fights all over the world, I’m assuming it’s not time blindness and just an assumption that other people’s time isn’t as important as his own. (He is very lovely, though - or I don’t think we’d still be friends!)

I’ve had friends like this and I had to stop being friends with them, being on time is very important to me and people not turning up or changing the time last minute makes me feel very anxious and annoyed, I get that sometimes they can’t help it but I can’t help how I feel either.

I have some friends with bad habits, including those who are chronically late. You have to either drop them or make allowances - there isn't much of a middle ground. You aren't likely to change them.

I don't know if the single thing is a bit of a red herring - surely even without a partner or kids they will understand the concept of having to be on time for something/fit in with other people's plans - whether watching a football match, going to a dr's appointment, getting to work on time, catching a plane to go on holiday/whatever. It's not as though having kids suddenly transforms everyone into selfless caring individuals with excellent time management who prioritise everyone else's needs above their own. I know enough fathers who suddenly decide the perfect time for a twenty minute poo is when kids have finally been wrangled and are sitting waiting to go in the car for example!

I think the key thing is how they'd react if you did something similar to them? Some people are just that laid back and honestly do think 'around 3pm' means anytime in the afternoon, get there whenever, so, even if it's still annoying for you it's more just a case of miscommunication, so you just need to clarify 'look when you say 3pm I assume you mean at 3pm, not half four, so will you definitely be home if I leave now?' etc. However if it's more of a case of they can get somewhere on time when it benefits them, but not anyone else then yes it's selfish.

Good for you on calling them on it and getting the bus home though! I guess how they react now will tell!

The issue with blaming things on 'time blindness' (or any type of neuro-divergence) is that by their late 30s most people will be aware they do this (even if they've never been formally assessed with ADHD or whatever), and, like OP will have put in coping mechanisms or at the very least apologise every time - so sorry I'm late, etc.

To be as blasé as OP describes either they don't consider themselves to be late or to have inconvenienced anyone (because to them the timing was vague not definite) or they know, but don't care!

My friend like this just laughs when you point out he's rude, he genuinely can't see where he's at fault.
We volunteer at the same group, had arranged a set time, me being me gets there early, time goes by no sign of him. I call him, when he went home from work rather than just get what's needed, he sat down to have his cuppa and a snack!!
I told him to bring his bloody snack with him!!
He always goes home for lunch, won't eat on the go, bloody time waster.

Could you text or email them well in advance to remind them and chivvy them along? And return any message about 'just popping to supermarket' with polite cancellation of arrangement? 'OK, X. We will give it a miss today. Don't worry. See you soon."

I had a friend like this; whenever we bumped into each other at a daughter’s event we’d make plans for her to come to mine for dinner and stay over for a proper catch up. This happened a couple of times and she always cancelled about an hour before she was supposed to turn up, when I’d already made nice food. The last time we made plans I didn’t even shop (for food ) and when she cancelled I laughed and told her. That was the end of the friendship really.

I'm sorry OP but with your friends I think its a weird power trip and them being completely disrespectful. Would they be late for an interview or a flight?

@Sparklfairy the only unreasonable thing here is you putting up with this I'm afraid. Up with this, I would not put.

My perspective would be that they either come to you from here on in (so you can be doing something constructive until they arrive), or they don't see you. I wouldn't be wasting any more of my time for them to dick you about. Time blindness my arse. Apologies to anyone with legitimate issues, but this is not how people function in society. Imagine how long they'd last at work if they were late every day etc etc.

My family are constantly late and it drives me nuts. My friends and I usually run a sweepstake now for any family event as to how late they'll be. Christmas was over an hour.

They are men, used to women accommodating them. That's all it is. They and their needs are more important than yours. Don't marry either of them.

I find this sort of stuff deeply fascinating
i wonder if it’s possibly tied to magical thinking, where individuals think they have more time than they do. When faced with a single task, they might impulsively take on multiple tasks at once. I do that too. It’s also quite ADHD

It's nothing to do with "time blindness" and everything to do with men having little commitment or responsibility in their lives and not respecting others