Is it me or is this bloody weird behaviour?

[Sparklfairy]

I have two male friends. They're both the same age (late 30s) and similar situations, long term single, never been married etc. But they don't know each other - this is relevant as they haven't influenced each other's behaviour iyswim.

But they BOTH do this really weird thing and I can't work it out!

When we arrange to meet up, we decide a time, say 3pm. I'm pretty laid back so if someone is running late or plans change, that's fine, but to me, 'shall we say 3pm?' means 3pm.

Every single time, at 3pm or 2.50pm, I'll get a text saying, 'Just popping to Sainsburys, I'll let you know when I'm ready.' Like WTF do you need to go to Sainsburys right now? You've had all day? You could go tomorrow? What?

One Xmas I was travelling quite far to see one friend, and knowing what he's like, checked in before I committed to the specific bus. I was en route and about to change buses - I could get one bus to his, or one to mine, so I needed to know. He goes 'Oh I'm just out right now getting some net curtains, dunno when I'll be back'. So I got the bus to mine and he was a bit put out I cancelled!

I know I'll get some snidey comments saying they just don't like me very much and yeah ok. But I'm pretty sure they do this to everyone. The reason I mentioned their single status and age is because what I really think is they're so used to just doing what they want, when they want, they just work to their own timescales and don't really think about commitments they've made to other people. Sort of innate selfishness even though Friend 2 in particular is actually really nice and kind most of the time.

I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this - or does this?

Friends 1 is just plane rude and ungrateful and best thing is to offer no more.

Friend 2 sudden need for supermarket visits - is just odd.

Assuming they are both in employment, do they manage to get to work on time?
I had a boyfriend like this years ago, he was consistently late for our dates, around 45 minutes , he would just stroll up casually, no apology or excuse. He managed to get to work perfectly well though!!

Wow, that's a lovely thought but knowing my luck that would be the one time I'M late

Oh dear!!! I think they both need a reality check! 'When' they text at the time they should have met you with the lame excuse, I'm hanging the washing up, text back, we'll arrange another time and leave it like that, they'll soon get the message you're not going to be constantly messed around, it's rude and selfish, you've got a life which doesn't include waiting around when you've already made arrangements.

Have you told them how rude you find it?

That is what watches are for.

OP I can deal with lateness if the person is worth it but the best thing is to arrange to meet somewhere where you don't mind hanging around an extra couple of hours, like home

Watches don't necessarily negate against time blindness. It's worth you doing a bit of reading on the subject as I also was dismissive at first

Some people with ADHD struggle with organisational skills and time management. 'Time blindness', however, is not a recognised condition in isolation. I have dyspraxia and the crappy time management/perception is a really common symptom of dyspraxia in adults, but the term 'time blindness' is just a convenient term for that, and it's not an actual disorder in itself or a condition that can be diagnosed.

OP, I have a friend who does this and it drives me nuts. She'll suggest meeting at 2pm at a specific place - time and place are invariably her suggestions rather than mine. I will arrive at 2pm or just before, and will text to say 'Hiya - just arrived at the bar, am sitting at one of the little tables near the back'. She will then immediately reply 'OK, cool - just got a couple of errands to run so I'll be there about 2.40.'

I used to take it personally but I then found out that she does this to everyone. She doesn't have any actual problems with time management - she'd never be late for a doctor's appointment or the theatre or anything work-related, ever. She just seems to have this weird idea that these things are totally flexible and that '2pm' means 'at some point after 2pm, when I'm ready'.

Enormously rude of your friends imo. I have no patience at all for people who can't stick to basic arrangements (unless obviously something totally unforeseen has happened). And none of the culprits I have in mind are neuro-diverse. It's infuriating.

I went to a dinner party at the weekend and was told we'd be eating at about 7pm. Half past sodding nine the food was finally served, by which point I was more sleepy than hungry and didn't really enjoy the meal.

Why should I study up on this excuse. The OP hasn't even said they are ND. The love of my life was always late and I put up with it because he was so special but I personally like to arrive on time

No, of course its your choice as to if you want to expand your learning ! 😂

Friend 1, yes. But he just kind of laughs, or at best, squirms and says sorry. Then does it again. I'm seeing him less and less tbh and sort of phasing him out.

Friend 2 is quite new, so it's only happened 3 times. The 1st time I thought it was odd but a one off. The 2nd time I was like how disorganised can you be (but it wasn't a completely fixed time that we arranged so I let it go). The 3rd time was on Saturday and now I can see it's a pattern. I did actually hang around (for over an hour) as I was doing nothing anyway and wanted the takeaway pizza we had planned

I ribbed him about it all evening, in a sort of pass-agg pointed way. He did look sheepish but I've sort of deliberately given him enough rope to hang himself. I'm all for being 'direct' but I'm actually curious to see if he'll do it next time.

If he does I'll tell him I got a better offer and cancel. And when he asks to meet again, I'll text back and say, I'd love to but I'd rather spend time with someone who respects my time and doesn't expect me to hang around for them.

I have time “blindness”. It’s a pain. I literally have no sense of time and where someone else might be able to ‘sense’ that five minutes/an hour has gone by I just can’t. It impacts so much more than just being late. I’ll put something on the hob and be CERTAIN it’s been on 60 seconds at the most but actually it has been five minutes and the thing has set on fire. Shit like that. It is associated with neurological conditions. Though I understand that if you haven’t experienced someone with this it can sound very much just like an excuse for rudeness, it really isn’t. You don’t need to be dismissive of real and recognised issues.

HOWEVER in this case you are right, these guys aren’t running late but desperately trying to get to her on time and apologising profusely. They’re just not giving a shit that they made plans. It’s totally disrespectful and some people are just like this. It’s so rude and weird but certainly not exclusive to men in their 30s.

It's not weird, it's disrespectful. I think you might need to have a chat and say that 10 mins late is one thing but rescheduling to hours later is not. Next time, they should consider the date binned if they can't be on time.

I reckon there's a reason they're single.
Begins with s, ends in fish
I do think some long-term single men are incredibly set in their ways too. I know of women on the dating scene who will turn down men (say in their 40s or above) who've never been married.

@ChedderGorgeous you're armchair-diagnosing two blokes who you've never met. As I say, I have ADHD and I still have to function in the world- we all do. Part of why it's difficult having this condition is the constant challenge to overcome these things. I very well recognise what time-blindness is and I know the steps I have to take to avoid being late. It is not ok to just leave people waiting - ADHD or not.

Sounds like one of my friends! Also male, mid thirties, single. Does not seem to be able to grasp that other people have commitments, plans etc.
So arrange a time. A fixed time, and then it'll be, 'just popping to wherever so meet you at x place'. Like, yeah! i'm already here because its the time we agreed!
Or even trying to make plans sometimes. The vagueness. Even when you spell it out, like I need to know what time you can get here because I also have to do xyz. Recently got so pissed off because it felt like he thought his plans and time trumped every single other person and they can just fit around him. I think its just selfish and entitled. And have voiced that!

I sympathise, but if you are time blind to that extent - and aware of it - why would you not set a timer?

I think it stems from being single and never having to compromise. I belong to a theatre group and one of our members is a single retired teacher. His behaviour is very similar, let's us know at the last minute that he is running late and the reason is always something he could have sorted earlier. If he arranges something he expects everyone to be there on time.
So I don't think it's because they don't like you it's because they are selfish and please themselves about what they do and when

No I'm just saying to consider this also as had not previously been mentioned and people with time blindness who posted were very clear about how significantly it affected them. The fact that here no one is apologetic certainly means that it's most probable they just don't care enough

Yes, an ex of mine used to do this almost every time he would come over. Agree a time and he would either tell me en-route he was stopping at a shop or just arrive 40mins late with bags of stuff I had never even asked for. At first I thought it was quite thoughtful but it grew increasingly annoying as I couldn't understand why spending up to 1hr in a supermarket buying shite I didn't like, want or need was something he would rather do that spend the precious time together. I was often so tired by the time he arrived (food I had cooked gone cold, child needing to be in bed so about to do bed time story etc) that he would get quite cross that eventually his arrival wasn't met with a fanfare of trumpets.

Selfish behaviour.

@ChedderGorgeous do you have ADHD ? Or are just reiterating something you have read ?

I had a couple of friends like this (both single men, perhaps there's a link)

We are not friends anymore.

Ultimately, this attitude means they value their time more than yours. Not because they don't like you or don't value you as a friend, but that their CORE values aren't the same as yours.

My brother does this, drives me to distraction.

There was an occasion when he had arranged to come over because I wanted to give him a car to help him out. (I had bought a new one, old one wasn't worth much but was still going and he was flat broke/stuck).

He not only didn't show up but didn't message at all to say he wasn't coming. Seemed very surprised when I told him to fuck off.