Is it me or is this bloody weird behaviour?

[Sparklfairy]

I have two male friends. They're both the same age (late 30s) and similar situations, long term single, never been married etc. But they don't know each other - this is relevant as they haven't influenced each other's behaviour iyswim.

But they BOTH do this really weird thing and I can't work it out!

When we arrange to meet up, we decide a time, say 3pm. I'm pretty laid back so if someone is running late or plans change, that's fine, but to me, 'shall we say 3pm?' means 3pm.

Every single time, at 3pm or 2.50pm, I'll get a text saying, 'Just popping to Sainsburys, I'll let you know when I'm ready.' Like WTF do you need to go to Sainsburys right now? You've had all day? You could go tomorrow? What?

One Xmas I was travelling quite far to see one friend, and knowing what he's like, checked in before I committed to the specific bus. I was en route and about to change buses - I could get one bus to his, or one to mine, so I needed to know. He goes 'Oh I'm just out right now getting some net curtains, dunno when I'll be back'. So I got the bus to mine and he was a bit put out I cancelled!

I know I'll get some snidey comments saying they just don't like me very much and yeah ok. But I'm pretty sure they do this to everyone. The reason I mentioned their single status and age is because what I really think is they're so used to just doing what they want, when they want, they just work to their own timescales and don't really think about commitments they've made to other people. Sort of innate selfishness even though Friend 2 in particular is actually really nice and kind most of the time.

I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this - or does this?

I had an ex like this. We'd be getting ready to go somewhere and he'd suddenly say 'oh, better mow the lawn.' His own sister commented on it, because it was so noticeable. When I asked him why, after we'd split up, he said 'because you couldn't go anywhere until I said so.'

So it was control. All about controlling what time we left (or did whatever we were doing). These two blokes could be using being late as a rather inept form of control.

Oh fuck right off. I've got ADHD and yes I'm shite at time management. That doesn't mean I fuck off to buy some net curtains when I know a pal is coming at a specific time. Using a disorder to excuse this kind of shitehouse behaviour is ignorant and offensive.

Just because this isn't your experience, doesn't mean it's not the experience of others. Try to think beyond yourself!

I have a SIL like this. They'd arrange to arrive at about 11.30, so I'd have lunch lined up for 12.30/1.

Then we'd get a phone call at about 11. 'Oh, one of the boys had a football thing, we're just leaving now!' (And you didn't know this yesterday? Or last week?) Two hour drive, and they'd arrived at 1.30, blaming traffic or a long queue for fuel.

She's had a stellar career. She just didn't give a shit about messing us around. Some people are like that. I can't be bothered with them anymore.

Maybe the people with this type of supposed time blindness should also think beyond themselves and how it might affect other people.

I've stopped visiting a friend a bit like this. Over an hours drive and only saw each other fortnightly/monthly and it was 80% me driving. Both with busy houses/lives/pets/kids except she has DH and I'm a single parent. When she came to mine (usually on time tbf!), I'd been shopping for snacks and drinks, tidied up, got dressed and ready and had plans. When I went to hers at pre-arranged time, she'd carry on as usual - doing housework, dropping kids here and there, going shopping dragging me along too etc. I don't bother now - I made time and special effort for her and it didn't occur to her to organise and do the same. I'd never ask someone to slot into my (lack of) plans or leave them hanging about while did my own shit.

I agree, but it's not supposed, it's real.

I meant the type of time blindness the you say the OPS friend has where you are aware you're meant to meet a friend at 3pm because you text them at that time. But then do something else first anyway instead. Not the type where you got carried away doing something and looked at the clock and it was 3.30 so rang them very apologetic and left instantly to meet them.

Have a read of prev posts. Clearly the lack of apology or realisation of the negative impact is different.

The fact that F2 does this at exactly the time to meet you makes it sound more like PDA than ADHD to me, although PDA does present quite often with ASD.

You're still peddling this bullsit chedder? Jesus. Get a grip on reality. These people with 'time blindness' who allow it to ruin things for everyone else are nothing short of selfish, thoughtless and entitled.

Everyone is allowed to have issues and if you're neurodivergent then fine but people don't get to just use that as an excuse their whole life for being a thoughtless dickhead. If you're not prepared to acknowledge, face up to and work on any issues or shortcomings you have, whether or not they're caused by 'neurodivergence' you're a prick. The men in the OP just sound like knobs. I can't believe you're defending them 😂

I have two female friends who have behaved similarly (going on for 10 plus years) and I decided recently to draw a line under any further plans to meet up.
I found I was constantly annoyed once we did eventually meet up and I coukd just do without the aggro.

I'm happy to chat on the phone but that's it.

Yeah… it’s really hard to explain this as I genuinely see that a lot of these issues people, such as myself, suffer with sound like absolute excuses. But I’ll try.

So what a lot of people seem to wonder is “do you care that you let people down?” And the answer to that is absolutely yes. Hence why I said the op’s guys just seem to be rude - when you have time blindness (mine is due to adhd so I can’t tLk for other disorders) you do spend your whole life running around feeling guilty. It’s not like you don’t give a shit, you do.

you also let yourself down again and again and again. And until/unless you’re diagnosed you don’t know why. You just think you’re stupid.

I do set alarms but I often set them wrong (again sounds utterly ridiculous but if you met me in passing you would never suspect I’d be apparently incapable of putting a date in a calendar!). For me it comes down a lot to maths - very common to struggle with maths to if you have these disorders. or jus getting distracted and forgetting to set alarms.

On the time thing exclusively - my school career was marred with constant tell offs about being late (amongst other things lol). I’ve lost jobs. I’ve pissed people off and upset them. I’ve missed trains and planes. I’ve turned up for appointments on the wrong day (many times).

i just have no natural feel of time. I went running the other day and was like omg I be done enough I’m going home and had been out for 10 minutes? another time two hours go by and it feels like 10.

scheduling seems impossible. I barely see steps. I don’t see patterns - so where people might notice it has rained for five days in a row, I just see ‘it is raining now’. If you ask me whether it’s been raining a lot recently I’d have zero clue.

Just yesterday I was thinking to myself that it’s not too dissimilar to child-like attributes. It also doesn’t help that my attention gets so focused on things that I want to do that I just get distracted. And apparently will blank out everyone and everything to focus on it. But to an annoying degree, like a child would. For example I put something in the oven, but get so consumed doing something else that I just ‘forget’ it’s in there and it burns and I suddenly remember and am like shit!! The same thing happens with alarms. I go to set one and just don’t.

now everyone does this kind of thing occasionally, of course, but for me it is alllllll the time. Like to the degree people get cross at me and I get cross a myself pretty much daily. I lose opportunities. I embarrass myself. It makes things very difficult. My sons too - I love them SO much but spend my whole life running around trying to resolve mistakes I’ve made such as forgetting bottles/uniform/appointments. It’s just not to do with a lack of effort. I feel like I’m constantly holding myself together by string because of my own personality/condition.

it is also not unaccompanied- lots of other symptoms such as drinking problems, terrible toxic relationships, difficulties holding down jobs, for example. Really really just off behaviour that doesn’t match who I “should” be based on my family/education/intelligence level if you see what I mean.

sorry that was a right ramble. Don’t know if that made any sense but happy to answer!

@Logainm 'I'm busy and you piss me off' brilliant, I need to start using this 😂

Thank you, that does make sense and I appreciate the long reply, it wasn’t a ramble and I do understand better now that you’ve explained it. And it sounds really hard, I’m sorry that you have to deal with that.

Also that you said the OP‘s friend’s sound rude because you feel bad about it when you’re late. Anyway, thank you.

To me, it's not relevant why someone does something, it's how it makes you feel. How you feel isnt up for debate, its simply how you feel. Were all complex and different. If someone makes you feel anxious, upset, annoyed, tearful, undervalued etc then it's time for you to seek out people who share your values, and they can hang out with people that share theirs.