Is it me or is this bloody weird behaviour?

[Sparklfairy]

I have two male friends. They're both the same age (late 30s) and similar situations, long term single, never been married etc. But they don't know each other - this is relevant as they haven't influenced each other's behaviour iyswim.

But they BOTH do this really weird thing and I can't work it out!

When we arrange to meet up, we decide a time, say 3pm. I'm pretty laid back so if someone is running late or plans change, that's fine, but to me, 'shall we say 3pm?' means 3pm.

Every single time, at 3pm or 2.50pm, I'll get a text saying, 'Just popping to Sainsburys, I'll let you know when I'm ready.' Like WTF do you need to go to Sainsburys right now? You've had all day? You could go tomorrow? What?

One Xmas I was travelling quite far to see one friend, and knowing what he's like, checked in before I committed to the specific bus. I was en route and about to change buses - I could get one bus to his, or one to mine, so I needed to know. He goes 'Oh I'm just out right now getting some net curtains, dunno when I'll be back'. So I got the bus to mine and he was a bit put out I cancelled!

I know I'll get some snidey comments saying they just don't like me very much and yeah ok. But I'm pretty sure they do this to everyone. The reason I mentioned their single status and age is because what I really think is they're so used to just doing what they want, when they want, they just work to their own timescales and don't really think about commitments they've made to other people. Sort of innate selfishness even though Friend 2 in particular is actually really nice and kind most of the time.

I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this - or does this?

@YourGoatAteMyFishfinger exactly - they manage work, events, parties, flights, ferry crossings, and in the case of my ex can drive across multiple countries and arrive within 15mins of a specified time. But when it was just me and my time being wasted...that was fine.

You can read back and see

Both of those cheeky bastards would only do that to me once before I fucked them off. I can't stand this sort of shit.

I have a male friend in his 50s always been single and he does this!!
He'll say I'll meet you at 4, then at 4 I'll txt saying are you nearly here and replies can be I'm in tesco, garden centre etc, it's infuriating. I now leave later 🤷🏼‍♀️

Dates plural?.after doing that once I wouldn't give him a second chance! Especially as he wasn't even apologetic

I have a very lovely single male friend and he behaves similarly. I honestly think the reason he is single is because he’s totally unwilling to compromise - everything has to be what he wants to do when he wants to do it.

I think you should text back 'I'm already here. If you're not coming I'll go home.'
Or 'I'm not free later, if you can't get here by 3 / 3+x then let's forget it'.

Don't laugh it off - they'll think you don't mind.

They are more important than you in their mind.
Don't wait for them any more.

I don’t think the friends are losing out? Unless losing out is that OP doesn’t wait outside their house indefinitely while they net curtain shop?

I have a friend with ADHD and they entirely accept their challenges and don’t expect others to endlessly compensate.

I've laughed it off with friend 2 because he is truly a kind, gentle soul. He gets kind of picked on at work and has just realised one of his long term friendships was quite abusive and is upset that its ended and feeling quite down and lonely. I'd like to tread carefully and be firm but kind iyswim.

We had a male friend like this in our 20s. He was in his 30s with his own home and he liked us all to meet there before we went out (I'm talking 15 people). We would all arrive ready for a night out and he would be just about to take his shower and get ready. He was a massive faffer and it would 1-2 hours before we would leave. Many of us would get bored and start cleaning his kitchen!

It didn't take long for us to decide to tell him on the venue we had chosen and that we would meet him there when he was ready and skip his place entirely.

He was very annoyed, as he seemed to think he should be our social life leader and his house be the center of operations or something. He was a lot of fun and held great parties, but seemed to assume a crowd of people should be on "Nigel Time" rather than GMT.

@ExitRamp if you cleaned for him while you waited he knew he was onto a good thing!

It is very attention seeking behaviour and tiring after a time, even if you can ignore the glaringly obvious; that they feel their time is more important that yours.

I'm in a walking group, usually 12 people meet up each time. We have a man ( 62) who lives closer than any other member to the hills we walk on. He was always late. After a couple of times , and him being spoken to about it, we stopped waiting and headed off on time.We set live location on the watts app map and left him to catch up. Funnily enough he hasn't been late since. With him I think it was a personal challenge thing in his head. If he lived 10 minutes from this weeks carpark he would leave exactly 10 minutes before. If the lights were green and there was no traffic he could be on time. Thst never happened so he was always late.

Have you ever just pointed it out to them and asked why they do this?

I wouldn't make adjustments for them. I'm autistic and cannot stand people being late without a good reason. (To be fair even with a reason I get incredibly stressed out but I have learned to deal with it when it's not someone's fault).
What adjustments would they make for me? Which one of us would "win"?
Do they arrive on time as an adjustment for me? I doubt it. Because I've had friends like that. And they don't even try when I've explained how stressed it makes me. I just get an annoying laugh and a "oh what am I like! I'd be late to my own funeral! Haha!".
So I just don't meet these sort of people anymore.

@ChedderGorgeous I appreciate what you're trying to do here but I think you've misinterpreted what time blindness is.

Speaking as someone with ADHD who struggles with timing, if I was en route to Sainsbury's and suddenly remembered I was meant to be meeting up with a friend at that exact time I'd reroute to the friend and send massive apologies. I wouldn't just continue on with my shop!

What OP is experiencing is 2 friends who are not respectful of her time and do not prioritise her over non-urgent tasks even when they have a pre-arranged meeting. This might be because they think OP is easily forgiving, given how one reacted when OP stood her ground.

OP I think you should set up boundaries around these 2 - if they're more than 20 mins late or already told you they've decided to prioritise something ahead of meeting up with you, then you should cancel meeting up with them. That's the only way they'll learn that you're not someone to be fucked around with. If they care enough about your friendship then they'll amend their ways, if not then you'll understand how they truly view your friendship

I have a couple of female friends who do this, one is a DCs friend’s mum, she has kept us waiting on numerous occasions while she pops to the supermarket or puts a wash on. I’ve stopped arranging stuff as it is too frustrating. They’ve had my DC over for play dates and instead ending up taking them running errands and supermarket for two hours! Mind boggling.

Stop making excuses for rude people.

At least you are open minded !

😂😂😂😂 lol, and their 'time blindness' means they get to inconvenience others and disrepect other people's time?

No. We literally bend over backwards for people with neurodivergence and make allowances for then. Maybe it's time for them to start offering the same courtesy. This just smacks of rude, disrespectful and self absorbed behavior. I drop 'friends' who do it. If they don't respect my time then they don't respect me.

When can I book into your inclusivity training course ??

I imagine you'd turn up late for it anyway so you wouldn't be welcome. 🥰

I've got a very lovely funny valued friend who is mega in demand and over commits and is somewhat like this- I make allowances for it and now turn up late myself - usually just as she arrives!

I really struggle with timing. I'm late for most things including my own flights and appointments etc. I think I might be ND.

However I'm always rushing around trying to be on time, I'm always trying. To the point of not sleeping the night before as I'm trying to work out how I won't be late.

If he is texting you AFTER he said he would meet you, he ALREADY knows he is late, and he says he is still going to do something completely non essential (washing or shopping or something) while he knows you are waiting, that's not time blindness, it's plain fucking rudeness.

I would make allowances for you using the word, "literally" incorrectly, don't worry. 😘