Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

Still quite rare I imagine...

Wait- you can't really say even if children are happy then they're secretly depressed, and that even if a man loves your children he'll still abandon them.

Basically, even if it's good it's still actually bad, no matter what?

I don't think these things are true anyway. If a child is unhappy with a new man, you'll know- some parents just choose to ignore it. A man who's bonded to and loves a child isn't going to abandon them unless there is an acrimonious relationship with the ex and he's not allowed to see them.

Some work but they are in the minority ime.

Often the issues that destroyed the first marriage will just reappear - if someone cheated the odds are they will do it again for example.

I think some women (more often than not) fall for the pack of lies men spout about their ex and they can't see/refuse to see the red flags. History then repeats itself with a new generation of children as the victims in amongst the chaos.

@LousySpice I don't think another man or woman for that matter will ever truly love your kids as much as he loves his own. I'd love to see statistics on step dads who continue to see step children regularly after a relationship breakdown.
And I'm saying that kids are good at masking. My own experience informs that opinion. I don't think my parents knew how I felt. Obviously not all kids are secretly depressed but I bet a lot are more unhappy than their blended families would like to admit.

It's interesting that a lot of this discussion here is about bad stepfathers, whereas the cultural stereotype is the "evil stepmother" (which my stepdaughters have teased me about plenty!). Would people have the impression that the situation of a man who has children who marries a woman who does not yet have them (our situation) is possibly a more hopeful situation for a good outcome?

I think you're wrong to be honest. I have met a few really nice blended families.
My own is quite nice.
I did meet DH when DD was 2, and he has been active in her life since she was 3. He has shown far more responsibility to her than her own father ever did.
They are more alike personality wise than she and I are and their bond is beautiful.

She's 16 now, and he's amongst the more involved of Dad's.
But then his interest was maybe placed slightly differently and he's always been interested in ensuring she had the fatherly support that he lacked growing up.

Well congratulations to everyone who managed to pick a good father for their children in the first place. For the rest of us it seems there are no second chances at a relationship or family (involving more than one adult), unless we want to run the risk of the child being murdered or mentally scarred. Is staying single always the better option for the children? What about the mother's who would be a lot happier/less depressed if they had a new partner. Even if new partner isn't perfect (murderers aside) it still may be better than if they had stayed single potentially? There are just too many factors to take into account.

Also children might be glad there is someone to keep their parent company / eventually potentially caring for them, especially once they move out.

You kind of prove the point of the poster you responded to. It’s very well known multiracial children find it difficult when they are in all white areas. If children pick up that parents don’t want to know or have already decided there is nothing to complain about, they will not speak up and will remain silent.

I do think that just talking about "blended families" as problematic or not is way too simplistic, there are just too many variables to reach any meaningful conclusion. I do find myself rather🤔about the underlying theme here that people who have children who find themselves single should remain that way or they are abusing the children. Or is that only women?

I can see why that would make sense but the families I know have either an almost estranged father who is rarely around, one with an aggressive and violent father, and one with an alcoholic and very high conflict mum (the children lived with their dad and his wife-my cousin- and her children, they then also had children together). So all very difficult situations that the families had to work hard to get through, but they are all very happy families, the now-adult children all refer to each other as siblings, no step or half, they just see themselves as the same family. I am the stepmum in a blended family, we have all the children full time and my step-children's mum has been very very difficult for years so it has not been easy, it's definitely a roller coaster but I really feel like we are getting there as a family. It's hard and takes lots of communication and we make mistakes sometimes but I feel like we are doing not too bad overall.

I think due to having so many blended families within my own extended family has helped us a lot, my whole family sees us as a family and treats us as one, my sister refers to my stepsons as her nephews, my gran includes them in the count of how many grandchildren they have. If I am ever struggling with aspects of being a blended family I have people round be who have done it before and can give me really good advice on things.

so…Man leaves women as he’s not happy.

women never ever allowed to have a life partner ever again ever.

in fact nor is he

everyone has to live alone forever

most of you are being ridiculous.

some of you have a much more understanding realistic view of the life.

You don’t have to be forever alone or single to just not move a stranger into your children’s home while they are a child. 🙄

@LadeOde in our situation there are really only two adults actually "involved". (The other two exist but are thousands of miles away and didn't play a part in upbringing after the age of 12) That probably made it easier...

Ok so potentially 17 years you have to live alone

Oh no you may have to put the child you created first over sharing a bed nightly shocker.

What if your boyfriend got you pregnant are you then still not allowed to live with him because you didn’t believe in aborting the baby

As an observation, I think the problem comes from parents having an expectation that they should be happy and proceed with thus in mind. And the relationship between the parents might be great and it could well make them happy. But they forget that their being happy doesn't mean that the other relationships have developed enough for blending to be really realistic. So often it looks like three families under the same roof for various periods.

@Doneit555 exactly! People are very unrealistic and, frankly, often ridiculous, with their generalisations.

That was a response to you saying about living alone for 17 years...

For the rest of us it seems there are no second chances at a relationship or family (involving more than one adult), unless we want to run the risk of the child being murdered or mentally scarred. Is staying single always the better option for the children? What about the mother's who would be a lot happier/less depressed if they had a new partner. Even if new partner isn't perfect (murderers aside) it still may be better than if they had stayed single potentially?

I find it interesting that people on here are often equating relationships with living together. I've been with my partner for several years now. We're very happy but we don't live together. His DC lives with him and he didn't want to move another adult in with her. We have a great, fulfilling relationship but we don't feel the need to move in with each other.

I get that there can be advantages to sharing the financial burden by living together. But it isn't essential for a relationship. It's not a question of being single for 18 years or moving someone in with your children and having more children with them. There are many alternatives.

@theDudesmummy people are so quick to slag partners off but god forbid you ever left them! No you must either be unhappy or live alone until your children have left home.

I do wonder how I have any friends in life seeing as I have met a new partner I’m living with them and we have a daughter…

Why do people keep saying “stranger”? They’re not a stranger by the time they move in. They’ve often been on the scene for a couple of years and by then are a big part of DC’s lives.

This thread is unbelievably offensive. It makes remarried mothers out to be feckless chavs who don’t care about their children or give them the slightest consideration. We meet some ne’er-do-well in a club and move him in the following week. Our children are deeply unhappy, and if they appear to be and claim to be happy they’re actually pretending.

I think women who refuse to believe that blended families can be happy are the type of women who couldn’t ever conceive of loving a child they hadn’t birthed themselves.

@Menomeno i couldn’t agree more.
my children have a wonderful step mom and a step dad and they’re happy kids with a happy life at both homes with parents who get on well.

What about the many, now grown women, who are talking about the negative experiences they had as a child within a blended family? Are they not allowed to be supported or to talk about their experiences? Equally, women who had positive experiences as children growing up in a blended family should also have their voices heard so we can all gain a balanced perspective. You can not just report threads because people have expressed opinions or shared experiences you don't agree with.