Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

Working in secondary schools for years, and before that, I never knew what level of unhappiness went on in families. We have a lot of broken families out there and a lot of unhappy children. It's not that uncommon at all.

Unhappy families together, unhappy families separated, and unhappy families blended.

Actually several adult step children have come on and said the opposite. I’m a teacher and I see easily as many if not more issues with kids caused by their biological parents. But then I’m a step parent too so does that negate any other opinion I may have?

Plenty of people have given the reasons why their blended family DOES work, but they just get ignored. But that’s MN.

@ZoeCM I’m a teacher and know many happy children in blended families and many miserable children in nuclear families. And vice versa. No one size fits all.

Also, I know this goes against wider national statistics, but I’ve been teaching eleven years and personally I’ve only ever experienced disclosures of abuse by bio parents.

Really? My Great Gran over a hundred years ago ended up living in blended family situation as her 1st husband died in The Somme leaving her with 3 young kids to bring up. She married a widow and became a blended family with 6 kids, it's not a new thing and does work if you are with the right person and set boundaries.

What a horrible thread. I don't think women have to be martyrs to motherhood. Blended families can work or fail in the same way all other family situations can. Common sense should be applied and anyone in their right mind wouldn't move a partner in straight away.

It absolutely is different, and obviously some people become step parents in a fairly thoughtless way (just as some people become biological parents in a fairly thoughtless way). But some step parents actively wanted to become part of a family with children. It's not always the case that two adults fall in love and then treat their existing children as an inconvenience to be managed. One of my good friends was brought up by a mum who ended up married to the father of her best friend in nursery. They got together because they'd got to know each other doing playdates for their kids.

I would say the same thing for having multiple children, who knows if they will get on with the first one/ be a burden / nightmare etc etc.

Not all biracialpeople feel this way… I have a racially mixed family and I assure you people who don’t have a victim mindset don’t think this way. There are real problems and then there are certain people who are just “victims”… I have even known 2 adult women to complain how hard it is to be the “prettiest” and everyone always wanting you because you are so pretty… so hard being so much prettier than other women…

But struggles with siblings are not the same as struggles with unrelated adults.

@Scotcheggsontoast siblings don't tend to actually murder each other though.

I've been both the child and adult in a stepparent/sibling family dynamic and it simply depends on the circumstances and people.

If a parent is not responsible, empathetic to their child, desperate, abusive, or generally dysfunctional then it will be bad, of course. If it's done right, it can enrich everyone's lives.

In my childhood, it was awful with horrid mother, ambivalent stepfather who never spoke to me and half a dozen kids. Done right, I would have loved it as a child.

I agree. My mum has convinced herself she gave us an idyllic childhood. Unfortunately, due to remarrying someone who didn't want us, she didn't. But her head is so far in the sand that she has literally no idea. I think a lot of women do the same thing - they want a man in their life so convince themselves this is best for their kids, when in reality, it absolutely bloody isn't. It's for this reason that I am staying single until my kids are adults.

Also things change. John may have been charming when you met him. John may have loved swinging your kids around in the park once a month. John was great on the family holiday with your 2 year and 4 year old. John becomes a grumpy, nitpicking twat when you live together. John becomes an passive aggressive, cold pillar of negativity when you have his kid and he isn't happy with how your children are around his baby. John is controlling and cruel when your kids aren't cute anymore or start being more independent.
You cannot say the childfree, kind caring man you date is not going to change when he has to live with your children 24/7.
How many threads on here are there from second wife of precious new born who resents her husbands other kids. Resents the maintenance. Resents the routine. Resents not being able to go away in term time. Resents their mum not being grateful for the tiny scraps that you throw her in terms of money and childfree time.
Yet there you were at the first date, entering into a relationship with someone with kids with a big smile on your face.

OP what is the point of this thread? What are you trying to achieve?

People really need to think before bringing children into this world. Most don't. Relationships fail. Children suffer. Divorce hurts.

I'm glad I have my stepfather in my life. He enriches it.

I tend to agree with OP. I’ve been a single parent since DC was 1 year old but I decided to never let a man move in for the security and steadiness of our home environment. I’ve been in several relationships, DC never met anyone till they’ve been in the scene for several months, and all DC’s physical and emotional safety issues have come from their birth father’s behaviour.

However, I note that while DC tells anyone who asks that they like my partner, they behave differently and are less relaxed when this partner stays over, and really didn’t want my partner to stay here after the first covid lock down, when we had all holed up together. DC prefers our home to just be us and I respect that for now. It may or may not be different in the future… I’ve been living alone for a long time and it would take someone very nice to live with for me to give up my personal space.

The problem is that adults often don't know blended families are failing. They miss the signs that kids are deeply unhappy. Because kids can put a brave face on stuff and it's not sad all the time. I'm sure my dad didn't know quite how much I hated my sister because I was so jealous of her.
And when blended families breakup and step dads leave it's more abandonment issues.
And 'it can work with the right person' it's always the right person until it's not.

Oh dear god

My “John” is currently in the other room ironing my DC’s school uniform. Thanks for the warning, I’ll keep an eye out for the controlling behaviour. 🙄

And step siblings do?

Actually, that poster could have been describing my stepdad, even to the name. Not sure what's 'dear god' about that?

If you went by the majority of posts on Mumsnet as your benchmark you would also think that normal nuclear families don't work either! So many people staying in unhappy relationships, and the same thing applies to this - they also don't realise what effect it's having on the children and assume they don't realise/ be affected by it

@Scotcheggsontoast no, stepfathers do. A lot more regularly than biological fathers

So your first relationship breaks down and you make a bad situation worse by blending with someone new.

And it always makes the situation worse does it?

@Scotcheggsontoast see the ops original post.