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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me or are they being too much/expecting too much?

105 replies

humorehalp · 28/01/2024 08:59

I’m a single parent and live a few minutes walk from my parents. I work and have a busy social life and my home is not small, it takes ages at weekends to keep on top of (intention is to downsize).

Every few days my parents will ask when they are seeing dd. Yesterday we met for a coffee at local place and after an hour I said dd needed a nap so we would have to go. That part was fine, then they start saying will you come over tomorrow, dd could do this or that etc. I feel so pressured all the time. I’m supposed to be seeing a friend today and was really looking forward to it but again I’ve been contacted already asking if I will have time to go round

i am not ready to leave dd with them and I prefer to be there when she’s there, I also work so don’t see her huge amount myself in the week.

aibu? I know it’s nice they ask and want to se her but it’s so constant and I feel pressure all the time. Sometimes I want two weeks to myself and that would be thought of as crazy given they live so close.

OP posts:
Original poster
humorehalp · 28/01/2024 09:01

And when I do say I’ve got plans or I will have to see how things go, they say ok and then I will be contacted a few hours later. It feels like too much but maybe I’m letting it get to me?

OP posts:
Newrumpus · 28/01/2024 09:05

How old is your daughter? A little time to yourself sounds like it would be beneficial to you and your parents would get some time with their grandchild while you do something for yourself. Who looks after your child while you work?

CanaryCanary · 28/01/2024 09:06

How old is your daughter? And realistically are your parents going to be providing childcare as she gets older? If so, especially as a single parent, that’s going to be invaluable so it’s in your interests to maintain and build their relationship with her!

But it’s also fine to have boundaries, I wonder if this is mostly a communication issue? So for example - they’re inviting you to do something, you say you have plans then, so they suggest something else and you feel hassled. But maybe you could just reply “I feel like DD and I haven’t had much time together this week so we’re going to have a quiet day just the two of us” and then they’d know what you wanted?

May also help to get into a clear routine eg you go there for dinner on Wednesdays, and on Saturday morning, and they know they’ve got those built in so they don’t ask you so much about other days.

But overall it’s lovely to have involved grandparents living so close, try to see the positives!

1willgetthere · 28/01/2024 09:06

The obvious solution is they come to you and watch DC while you sort the house out.

Rooot · 28/01/2024 09:07

Sounds like it would make more sense for them to come to your home most of the time? Maybe they could help on a weekend by entertaining your DD a bit whilst you got on with jobs around the house that need doing and midweek alternate having an [early] dinner with them. A regular pattern, that evolves, so that it gets rid of the constant mental load of organising and also help you out a bit?

TeaKitten · 28/01/2024 09:08

Depends how old your DD is. But she doesn’t need to be there while you are cleaning so letting them watch her for a few hours on a Saturday while you clean sounds ideal. They sound great wanting to be in their daughter and grandchild’s life and most single parents would be happy for the help.

Notmetoo · 28/01/2024 09:15

Are you sure they are not just trying to help you? Given you have no support at home.

How old is she? Who looks after her when you are working? Unless there is something else going on here and they are unreliable or unable to care for your child why don't you let them take her out for a couple of hours while you do your housework or see your friends.? There are so many threads in here where parents say Grandparents show no interest it seems a shame if GPs who do want to be involved are not welcomed.

MinaM · 28/01/2024 09:18

Why aren't you ready to leave her? 2 weeks of grandparents not seeing the grandkids wouldn't have happened with mine, both sets of grandparents used to see the kids twice a week. But I understand not everyone shares the same view or family dynamic.

DoggusDomesticus · 28/01/2024 09:21

Think yourself lucky you have such keen and interested grandparents for your DD. Especially as a single parent. That is a lovely thing for her, and may prove invaluable (to you, her and your DPs) as she gets older.

Is she really too young to leave with them? I was reluctant to leave mine with DMIL when they were young, but I did and they survived!

Original poster
humorehalp · 28/01/2024 09:21

I just don’t want to leave her. I work so outside work she comes with me when I go out etc

I feel constant pressure to take her to see them and I have so much to do like shopping and washing and seeing friends etc that some weeks I just want to get on with it.

She goes to nursery in the week, parents can’t commit to a regular thing, they are retired and often away etc. I don’t need the help anyway.

OP posts:
BibbleandSqwauk · 28/01/2024 09:21

I agree wit the others that the obvious solution to a lot of this is to say "that's lovely, how about I drop her off at X and she'll love the farm / park whatever". You can use the time to clean, sleep, socialise whatever.

Original poster
humorehalp · 28/01/2024 09:22

shes 14 months

OP posts:
Original poster
humorehalp · 28/01/2024 09:22

I don’t know if people haven’t fully read my OP (don’t mean to sound funny saying that) but I don’t want to leave her.

OP posts:
Anjea · 28/01/2024 09:23

humorehalp · 28/01/2024 09:22

shes 14 months

I would let them babysit her while you see your friend. Win win

Original poster
humorehalp · 28/01/2024 09:24

Anjea · 28/01/2024 09:23

I would let them babysit her while you see your friend. Win win

Show quote history

@Anjea i don’t want to leave her. She comes with me to see friends etc

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 28/01/2024 09:24

Get them to come to yours?
You do the cleaning etc they play?

theduchessofspork · 28/01/2024 09:27

I think you need to take control of the situation - it sounds like they’re anxious they won’t see her because they don’t know what your plans are.

So it in slots at the beginning of the month or fortnight, if you work FT it’s perfectly reasonable to say you can’t / don’t want to be spontaneous.

It’s good for her to have a relationship with her grandparents, so much as you don’t want to leave her, if you want to skip seeing your parents for a week the best thing for her is for them to have her for an hour or two. Especially as you are a single parent strong relationships with other adults are going to be important.

Azandme · 28/01/2024 09:28

I totally get that you don't want to leave her, I'd go with the suggestion that they come to you whilst you're doing the laundry, cleaning etc.

You'll get through it faster, dd will be there, they'll feel needed and see you both.

The trick is to make it work for you all.

RandomUsernameHere · 28/01/2024 09:30

What is the reason for you being happy to leave her at nursery but not with your parents? Presumably the nursery workers were complete strangers at the point she started going there. Bear in mind that even though you don't need the help now, you may well do when your daughter starts school.

GreatGateauxsby · 28/01/2024 09:31

I do understand How you are feeling harassed but I think you need to channel it so it works for you

invite them over sat morning leave Dd to play with them - unload the wash washer and fold clothes or whatever… have some soup and sandwiches together send them off… dd goes for a nap.

everyone’s a winner.

also amazed you’d leave her at nursery but not with your parents for 2 hours

TeaKitten · 28/01/2024 09:34

Will they not come and sit in your house while you tidy?

Original poster
humorehalp · 28/01/2024 09:34

I have no choice about nursery, otherwise she wouldn’t be there either 😂

OP posts:
Wadermellone · 28/01/2024 09:35

People really need to just starting talking.

You are a single parent. They are likely trying to help. So many times single parents often get forgotten by friends and family. Because they simply don’t get how isolating it can be. Your parents are going too much the other way.

When you are a parent of an adult child or even a teenagers, it’s so hard to get the balance right. Reaching out too much, not enough. Trying to arrange things but not too much. My dd is 20 and I was just honest with her. I told her I loved her and I am here for her. But she is living her life and I will always try my best to get it right. But if ask too much, ask too little, contact too much or too little. It’s not that I want to be over bearing or don’t care. I am trying to find the right balance and may not always get it right. And ifs it wrong she just needs to tell me and I will try again.

People expect parents of young kids to not get everything right. But seem to act like parents of adult kids should just magically know their adults child’s needs and wants.

You are an adult. The relationship is a two way thing. You are as responsible for the dynamic as they are.

Tell them you have plans and don’t have time. Tell them you don’t want to be apart from her yet. Each time they ask, if you don’t have time say ‘sorry I have plans’.

speak up.

WimpoleHat · 28/01/2024 09:35

I don’t think the OP is unreasonable at all. She works. She doesn’t see as much of her DD as she would like during the week, so her weekends are precious - they are her time to do things with her daughter, or have her DD with her. I think you need to spell this out in no uncertain terms to your parents and manage their expectations.

Sameshitdifferentdayagain · 28/01/2024 09:36

They sound anxious to see their grand daughter. They're probably secretly hurt you don't trust them with her.

You sound very dismissive of them frankly. Saying you don't need their help, wanting to not see them for a fortnight at a time. They want to build a relationship with their grandchild. Surely leaving her with them for a few hours once a week/every other week wouldn't hurt? You sound happy enough leaving her at nursery five days a week!