Is it me or are they being too much/expecting too much?

[humorehalp]

I’m a single parent and live a few minutes walk from my parents. I work and have a busy social life and my home is not small, it takes ages at weekends to keep on top of (intention is to downsize).

Every few days my parents will ask when they are seeing dd. Yesterday we met for a coffee at local place and after an hour I said dd needed a nap so we would have to go. That part was fine, then they start saying will you come over tomorrow, dd could do this or that etc. I feel so pressured all the time. I’m supposed to be seeing a friend today and was really looking forward to it but again I’ve been contacted already asking if I will have time to go round

i am not ready to leave dd with them and I prefer to be there when she’s there, I also work so don’t see her huge amount myself in the week.

aibu? I know it’s nice they ask and want to se her but it’s so constant and I feel pressure all the time. Sometimes I want two weeks to myself and that would be thought of as crazy given they live so close.

Think yourself lucky your child has grandparents still alive, mine doesn't.

@WimpoleHat Manage their expectations of actually seeing their grandchild on a regular basis?

Some of us would kill for involved gtandparents. My twins grandparents on their dads side don't even ever ask after them. Op doesn't appreciate how lucky she is.

And I say that as a fellow single parent.

Could you set a regular night when they come and have dinner at yours? They could maybe do bedtime stories after dinner and you could have a bit of a tidy up. That way you would.have more time on the weekend?

I find it strange that you live a few minutes walk from your parents yet met up with them at a coffee shop.
It's your choice how you parent but I feel you are robbing your dd of a close relationship with her grandparents. ( Your posts don't suggest they are abusive, frail or incapable of childcare).
I thought you were going to say she was a tiny baby!
My children have a wonderful relationship with my parents ( who live a few minutes walk away).
You would get more housework / jobs done in two hours child free and your daughter could have some fun with her grandparents.
Does your daughter have contact with her father?
Who would take care of her if you were out of action gor a few days (illness or accident).
Fostering a good support network is important.

I understand that you don’t need help at the moment, but childcare actually gets much much harder once they’re school age.

Have a read of threads on here - when your daughter starts school she might have a “settling in” period of a month where her time in school gradually increases from one hour per day to a full day, are you going to take the month off work? Childminders to cover that kind of issue are few and far between.

She’ll have random inset days, and loads of sickness days, and long school holidays and you will have nowhere near enough annual leave to cover them. Plus she’ll finish school at 3.15 and you may not be able to get a place at after school club.

Sp it’s worth building her relationship with your parents so they’ll be back up childcare for you!

I'll be honest, I think YABU here.

They're her grandparents, they want to spend quality time with her, it's not a crime.

Why can't they have her for a few hours on a weekend just whilst you do housework/shopping? You saying you don't want to leave her suggests you don't trust them, is that true? I would give anything for my kids to see their grandparents more, but they live 200 miles away so it's nowhere near as often as I'd like it to be. That bond with loving grandparents is so important, so don't jeopardise that by being so precious OP.

@Sameshitdifferentdayagain Yes. And I say that as someone who would have liked more involved grandparents. But OP doesn’t get to spend as much time with her own child as she would like to; she’s said that she has no choice about sending her to nursery and so her weekends are understandably precious. And her parents will have to accept that. It’s not like they’re offering a regular slot to care for her; they want the fun time on their own terms. But OP is entitled to run her own life the way she wishes.

Ask them to commit to a regular thing to save on nursery, despite being reirired.

This! Happy to leave her with a nursery but not with grandparents, sounds weird to me.

Happy to leave her with a nursery but not with grandparents, sounds weird to me.

She has to work, therefore she needs childcare. Because she has to work and use childcare, she doesn’t get as much time with her DD as she wants - therefore she doesn’t want to give up the weekend time that she does have. Different if the grandparents were offering to take the nursery’s time - but they’re not.

This. I'd give anything for my kids to be able to see their grandparents more i really would.

What's a few hours every other weekend though? It's nothing! Yet it is hugely important for creating that special bond between grandchild and grandparents. It sounds to me like OP doesn't have a very good relationship with her parents tbh.

Fostering a good support network is important

So much this! ^^

I don't think it's unreasonable for your parents to keep asking if you keep obliging. Have you actually told them it's too much? You need to speak up
Do you always go to theirs? You say you're not comfortable leaving your child with then yet but you presumably use childcare when you're working. What's the issue with your parents having sole care?
Could you suggest they collect her from childcare and bring her to you. Have a cuppa and maybe prep child's tea together? That will get your child used to being with them. A big part of your challenge is insisting you are there too.
Above all tho, just be honest.

You are not unreasonable. I would consider working towards them picking her up from nursery while you are working.

This would give them some time, you don't lose anytime and it wouldn't need to be a commitment for them as nursery is still available.

Why don't you see if they want to have her instead of one of the nursery days?

Exactly @HalloumiGeller

Plus ops friends are probably fed up with her bringing her child to every meet up. A few hours with grandparents while op meets a mate for coffee seems a win win to me!

I'm guessing there's a good reason why you don't trust your parents to spend any time alone with their grandchild. I'm assuming they were abusive or neglectful when you were a child. It sounds like whatever it is, you're not ready to confront them about it.

Reading your post at first glance, it comes across as really weird that you won't let your parents look after your child unsupervised for a few hours a week, especially when they live so close to you. It's normal for grandparents to be on the nursery pick up list so they could pick the child up maybe once a week (doesn't have to be the same day) so you can work late, date, meet friends, etc. It's normally in a child's best interests to spend regular time with family and develop bonds with them independent of you. Have your friends or even colleagues at work not made any comments about it being odd?

There's definitely more to the story but I'm not going to ask you to tell us. It's clear that you feel there's something not right with your parents.

I think your only way around this if you don't want to confront them is to move further away. That way, you can limit contact to supervised contact maybe once a fortnight or once a month.

Why are you not ready to leave your DD with your parents yet? Is there a reason for this?
If you're having to do the housework at the weekend, that can't be much fun for your daughter. Wouldn't it make more sense for them to take her to the park or whatever, so that you can crack on?

Shut them down (in the nicest possible way). So they ask when they can see her, remind them you’re seeing friends. When they contact you a few hours later, tell them you’ll be in touch on Wednesday (or whatever day it is in 2 days’ time). It’s up to you and while they’re keen (first grandchild?), they shouldn’t be making demands on your time or asking more than once a day, that’s very frustrating and likely to make you pull away.

Why don't they come to yours to play with her and you can do all the washing and cleaning. Everyone wins. If you live sp nearby why on earth are you meeting in a coffee shop or them not just walking back with you when she needs her nap?

YANBU at all and I'm surprised that so many people think you are! It's lovely to have caring grandparents, but it's much more important for you to have good quality time with your DD.

Just keep calmly saying yes to the times you are free and no to the times when it's not convenient. Try not to let it stress you out.

God I feel awful reading these messages.

i didn’t have a perfect childhood but I know they love Dd. I can’t identify why specifically I am uncomfortable leaving her alone with them. I don’t trust them to be honest with me so I think it’s more that if something happened then I couldn’t be sure I would know.

You say you don't want to leave her with them (which is completely fair enough and your choice) but is that because you don't feel like you see her enough with working or is it because you don't trust them?

If it's just you wanting as much time with her as possible then maybe your parents could pick her up from nursery a little early once or twice a week and maybe give her some tea or something and then you collect from their house after work? She's still got the nursery place so if they are away or busy then she just stays in nursery, but it would give them some regular contact that doesn't take away from your time with her.

A good relationship between them and her will be worth it's weight in gold when she goes to school and childcare gets complicated. Plus she will benefit from a good relationship with her grandparents.

Outside of that I think you just need to be clearer with them on when you are and are not available so they don't pester you.

In the evening I think they meant when you wouldn't have been interacting with her. I get that you want to spend the time you have with her and you talk about 'socialising' but it's very unusual to either be at work or have your kid with you. Do you never have time to yourself, so a catch up with adult friends, a meal, cinema, gym? Ever?!