Is it me or are they being too much/expecting too much?

[humorehalp]

I’m a single parent and live a few minutes walk from my parents. I work and have a busy social life and my home is not small, it takes ages at weekends to keep on top of (intention is to downsize).

Every few days my parents will ask when they are seeing dd. Yesterday we met for a coffee at local place and after an hour I said dd needed a nap so we would have to go. That part was fine, then they start saying will you come over tomorrow, dd could do this or that etc. I feel so pressured all the time. I’m supposed to be seeing a friend today and was really looking forward to it but again I’ve been contacted already asking if I will have time to go round

i am not ready to leave dd with them and I prefer to be there when she’s there, I also work so don’t see her huge amount myself in the week.

aibu? I know it’s nice they ask and want to se her but it’s so constant and I feel pressure all the time. Sometimes I want two weeks to myself and that would be thought of as crazy given they live so close.

I think this is more to do with your relationship with your own parents than not being able to leave dd because you want to spend more time with her as I don't think anyone in real life will be able to spend time with their own toddlers if they have domestic chores that need attending to unless your dd can load the washing, fold and scrub if not that, she will be in her play pen or in front of screens whilst you do these. Use that boring never ending chore time for your dd to spend time with her gp's. Get them to come over to yours, let them take her for a walk etc and you get on with your stuff.

I don't particularly like my in-laws (we are civil though) but they absolutely adore ds and overtime I overcame my pfb syndrome and saw how important it is for ds to connect with them. They live abroad and I actually feel really sad that they can never do the odd pickup/drop off or take ds to a farm as they will happily offer it without me or DH ever asking. But this of course is that I trust them.

OP- you are not being unreasonable at all. My inlaws moved in round the corner. Every time we see them they start with 'we haven't seen you for ages' and when we leave they say 'when are we seeing you next'. It is too much. Nothing would be enough for them. I leave it all to my husband ow as he is much better at zoning them out.

I don't know why so many people are suggesting you are a barrier to your parents having a relationship with your DD. You clearly aren't. You just don't want the constant pressure of meeting up or having to resist meeting up, which is entirely understandable. You can have a close relationship with extended family without living in each other's pockets.

I also think you being a single parent adds an extra layer of challenge as there is no other adult in your household whose wishes and priorities have to be considered. I get the sense that your parents are still seeing you a bit like a child who they can over involve themselves with, which you are clearly not. My inlaws presumed they'd be in the thick of everything to do with our family. I suspect having me saying a clear NO to my husband has been a factor in them realising they need to back off. They cannot order me around or presume to find out every detail, the way they'd do with him given half a chance.

This

If you don't want your daughter to have any kind of relationship with your parents when she's older then you're going the right way about it.

I also forgot to add that you probably don't like spending time with your parents which is ok of course, again it depends on your own relationship with them which is why you see it as another chore rather than just wanting alone time with your dd. I felt this with my in-laws as we have nothing in common, they are dreary and we cant connect and the whole thing becomes stressful and I had no pleasure from this but overtime I realised how good it was for ds learning from them, engaging in ways that I never thought of engaging with my own child etc.

You say you socialise alot...who is minding her then? Having a baby there while you clean is pointless. Let the grandparents take her for a couple of hours. YABU.

Why don’t you let them collect her early from nursery some days. They can give her tea and either bring her home or you can collect her.

I’d be going mad if I told someone I was busy or had plans and then heard from them a few hours later asking to meet up again. Sounds frustrating 💐

YABU you cleaning and doing laundry isn't meaningful time with your 14 month old, let them have her for a couple of hours on a Saturday or Sunday, they are happy she builds a relationship with her grandparents, you blitz the house meaning when you are with her she has your full attention , or let them pick her up from nursery early one night a week, if they can't it doesn't matter as nursery is already paid for, if they do you're at work anyway so surely better for her to be with grandparents than nursery, given you've not said there's any issue with them

Completely fine not to want to leave her alone with them.

What about the suggestions that they come to your home, so you are there but able to get on with stuff whilst they entertain her. Do you trust them with that? To leave them in a different room with her but you are still close by?

Sounds like this runs quite deep and maybe you just don't want to be around then at all as frequently as they are requesting - do you want to be LC and the requests to see your DD are making this hard/impossible?

I can’t identify why specifically I am uncomfortable leaving her alone with them. I don’t trust them to be honest with me so I think it’s more that if something happened then I couldn’t be sure I would know.

I think this is interesting and worth unpacking more.

If it isn't based on anything as I said I would start building the relationship with supervision (so they "babysit" while you are in another room doing chores or whatever)
If there is a bump a cry whatever you will hear it....it might be it backs up your feelings or you may find the opposite and trust increases.

Also remember your baby wont be a baby forever. At 3/4 they will be perfectly able to tell you they "got a hurt" when they climbed and fell off a bookcase while granny was sleeping and then grandad gave them pizza chocolate and ice-cream for lunch 🥴😵‍💫😅

I think you are getting a hard time here. I didn't want to have to share my kids when they were only 14 months either (except with their dad) and the fact I had to use childcare to work made me less inclined to be parted from them at weekends, not more!
OP, what was your relationship like with your parents before you fell pregnant? Were you "nip round every other day" people, "eat together fortnightly" or "Xmas and Easter only"
It seems that on mat leave you saw them more, and they expect that to continue, while you don't. Think about how you want to reset their expectation - what do you want things to look like over the next 5 years?

Don't feel bad! Half the people commenting are probably grandparents with a bee in their bonnet!

If you feel your parents are being overbearing, then they are! It's okay to put some thing in place, like a formal arrangement of 'we'll come to yours for tea on Thursdays or every other Sunday' or whatever you feel suits you.

Your child is very young at the moment but the relationship she develops with her grandparents will last her whole lifetime!
I have seven grandchildren from the ages of five to mid twenties and I see them and support them in many different ways. I run my two teenaged grandchildren to & from afterschool and weekend dance & drama classes, to & from the local railway station when my grandson goes to football matches, occasional pick ups from school and multiple trips to drop off and collect them from their friends houses. They call me Nan’s Uber!
I’ve helped to financially support one granddaughter through university. I’m helping a grandson whose partner is currently pregnant by buying baby clothes, toys & toiletries and a cot.
The relationships change over time as the grandkids obtain employment and move on with their own lives. The four eldest grandchildren are now settled with partners but I still see them, interact with them on all forms of social media & give and receive Christmas & birthday gifts.

Could they come to you? Then they could look after her in your supervision while you get a few bits done around the house.

Would this work for you @humorehalp ?

I can hear the worry in your writing about leaving your dd alone with your parents, and I assume this is for very good reasons. Not everyone has good parent relationships which for some posters who do might not understand why your acting how you are. I hope you find a way through this that you are comfortable with💐

I think you could leave her with GPs for a couple of hours and go see a friend. If you leave her at nursery with strangers then she's safe with your parents.

Also, in the nicest possible way unless your friend has a DC the same age it's really tiresome meeting up with people who insist on dragging their babies and toddlers along on every outing.

@humorehalp reading your new posts, if you don't trust don't leave her.

Apologies I was reading your op as you were concerned about them being "out of practice" as opposed to there being a bigger concern.

@GreatGateauxsby i worry they would tell her to lie to me. I know this wouldn’t happen every time but the idea of it makes me feel sick and stressed

@Hatty65 yes I do see that but dd is not difficult. My friends often suggest meeting, it’s not always me making the suggestion.

Especially when she's running errands and doing chores. It's not like she's fully interacting with her DD. Could probably get more done if the grandparents watched her for a couple of hours. Then DD would have her undevided attention.

@humorehalp She's currently (I guess) a wriggly 14 month old. When she gets to be a 2-3 year old repeating, 'Mummy..Mummy...Mummy!' they make meeting up with people stressful and not much fun for anyone in the group - both children and adults.

I'm sure your friends do ask to see you - I'm equally sure that sometimes they would like to see you without having to share your attention with your DD. They might like a chat over drinks about the new bloke they are seeing, or other adult conversations.

You do sound quite anxious, and I think you are overthinking things.

You say you are are planning to move ('downsize'). Presumably this would mean you'd be further away than 2 mins, as you currently are. It might therefore be worth cultivating trust and a strong grandparent/ child bond now while you are so close. It could be harder to do that when you're further away and as many others have said, you may need their help when your daughter is at school, when you're ill , etc.

It does also seem a bit odd to meet in a coffee shop when your homes are 2 minutes apart and you have space to meet at home. Do either you or your parents have issues re. inviting people in?

" If you leave her at nursery with strangers (aka childcare professionals with the needed qualifications for that setting) then she's safe with your parents (aka people the OP presumably knows quite well but doesn’t entirely trust to be honest with her)".

I have made some basic common sense updates to a previous post.

I worry they would tell her to lie to me. I know this wouldn’t happen every time but the idea of it makes me feel sick and stressed

This is worrying. Did they ask you to lie to people when you were a child @humorehalp?

Do you not trust them to look after your DD in your house while you doing some housework?