Is it me or are they being too much/expecting too much?

[humorehalp]

I’m a single parent and live a few minutes walk from my parents. I work and have a busy social life and my home is not small, it takes ages at weekends to keep on top of (intention is to downsize).

Every few days my parents will ask when they are seeing dd. Yesterday we met for a coffee at local place and after an hour I said dd needed a nap so we would have to go. That part was fine, then they start saying will you come over tomorrow, dd could do this or that etc. I feel so pressured all the time. I’m supposed to be seeing a friend today and was really looking forward to it but again I’ve been contacted already asking if I will have time to go round

i am not ready to leave dd with them and I prefer to be there when she’s there, I also work so don’t see her huge amount myself in the week.

aibu? I know it’s nice they ask and want to se her but it’s so constant and I feel pressure all the time. Sometimes I want two weeks to myself and that would be thought of as crazy given they live so close.

You're really lucky to have this option OP but can also appreciate you want alone time with your child.

@NaughtybutNice77 it's not unusual at all for single parents to either be at work or have their child. That's been my life for 8 years!

You’re making life harder for yourself here than necessary!

They want to see her so make it work for you- why are you happy her going to nursery but not trusting them? Are they not capable in some way? Are they particularly elderly or is there a real issue with them having her?

You’ve said you’ve got a lot to keep on top of, ask them to have her for a few hours on a weekend so you can do whatever needs doing, everyone’s happy then.

I don't think your parents are expecting too much at all to expect to see their grandchild. When my daughter was little, my Mum used to come over for one day each week and she spent most of that time playing with my daughter whilst I got the washing, cleaning etc done. If your parents live so close, why not invite them round for just a couple of hours while you do what you need to do in the house? If the reason for you not wanting to leave your daughter with your parents is that you want to spend your non working time with her rather than not trusting your parents, then why not do as someone else has suggested and let your parents pick her up from nursery sometimes and spend time with her until you get home?

If you don’t trust them with your daughter then listen to that instinct.

If I was you I would set up a schedule so they know when they’re going to see your DD and then they don’t need to keep asking.

Give them a few weeks in advance the days / times you will be free for them to see DD, invite them round to your house so you don’t have to leave her and can get on with some chores for an hour while they have quality time with her. You’ll still be around if anything happens - this might also help to build your trust with them so you feel better leaving her alone.

if they do keep asking outside of the pre-arranged times you’ve set up, you can repeat ‘you will see DD on this day as we agreed before’

I had this but with my older sister who just wanted to spend all her time with my daughter and son. It was lovely of course, but a bit much when I also had things to do!!

I echo what PP said above and have clear days in a routine. So they could pick her up from nursery on a Friday, or you see them for breakfast on a Sunday etc. That way they're not "bothering" you asking what the plan is, and also you can plan around it.

you said you
like spending time with your Dd but Is there a reason you don’t trust them with her?

also at 14m you can invite them along to stuff like animal farms soft play etc

I suppose I try to take the view you can’t have enough people to love your child… so unless they are toxic or wildly neglectful I’d be making an effort (even if it’s on your terms)

Is there a reason you don't go to each other's homes? My parents also live a few minutes away and it's usual for them to pop here for a cuppa or for us to go to them for dinner on a Sunday or something. That might feel more like quality time for them - they could play with her in a more relaxed way than at a coffee shop, or you could potter around sorting the washing or something.

I don't blame you. I felt like that when I was back at work. I wanted to spend every minute with my baby. Could they come round to your house and you can get on with some housework while they play with the baby?

I think you need to just tell them that you'll see them every other Saturday or something like that. Like have a fixed day when you see them, and then inbetween, you're busy.

Do you really not trust them for an hour whilst you bash through some housework and washing? You'd likely get it done faster alone
You're saying it takes hours to sort your house so it isn't like you're having important time together, she's just watching you clean / playing alone.

Why don't you trust them?

I couldn't agree more.

So why don't they come over to your house and watch her while you do the housework?

Grandparents are so important in a child's life and for the child feeling part of a safe extended family. I raised kids alone and my parents had no interest in being grandparents, it was a hard slog and so many others I knew had help from family.
I understand you are tired and you want to be with your daughter but it's important to let other people form a relationship with her too.

There surely has to be a compromise and a way that you see this as a positive thing rather than another demand on your time?

I think that you need to suggest a routine so they know when they are seeing your dd next. Give them straight replies “we can’t make Saturday afternoon” rather than “we’ll see how it goes” in the hope that they get the hint. To some, the latter is a yes but I’ll have to rearrange things. They clearly don’t get hints so it’s time to be direct even if the plans you have are chilling at home.
It sounds like you’d rather see them every 2 weeks so suggest that as the routine.

Long term, you should consider moving. Living further away may naturally help visits decrease to a level that’s more manageable for you.

This is a great idea. That way dd can get used to spending time with them without you in the room, which could be useful if you want them to babysit in the future.

You could also pick one weekday evening to go over for dinner. Saves you cooking and they get to spend time with their grandchild.

It's in DD's best interests to start building a relationship with her grandparents - pretty lonely to be the only child of a single parent. If you don't let her spend time bonding with them, she'll only have you. But it sounds like you might prefer it that way? Shame🙁

Hi OP, I was the same in that I wanted to spend all my spare time with my DDs.

With DD1 my parents collected her from nursery early one day a week so she had time to spend with them. Could that be an option? Even if not regular they could do it some weeks. My dd used to love the gps picking her up.

Moving to school time they loved it when grandma picked them up from school.

You have a house that takes a lot of work to keep up to, parents who want to see their grandchild and you’re busy. It’s obvious that you should have them at your house to play with the baby whilst you get on with household tasks.

Has it occurred to you that perhaps your friends would like to see you on your own sometimes?

It’s not unreasonable for grandparents to want to see a grandchild. Nor is it their fault you don’t want to be parted from her. When you read the threads about people fed up that grandparents don’t want to provide childcare, you’re fortunate that yours do.

If you don’t want to leave her, ever, outside working hours it sounds like a you issue. It’s really important for a child’s self esteem to have relationships outside that of the one they have with their parent (s) and the staff at nursery cannot fill that void. To always want and keep her with you will ultimately make her clingy and insecure and not serve her in the future.

You may feel some level of unacknowledged guilt at leaving her at nursery - hence wanting to spend all your time with her at weekends - and have an strong desire to do it alone but it is communities and families that raise children, not just parents alone. Accept the help they are offering, even if you just use the time they have her to hoover or meet a friend for coffee.

I really would suggest that, given you say you have a lot of housework - which is not quality mummy/child time, is it? - that you should facilitate your child’s relationship with her grandparents so that she feels she has an extended network of loving support.

I'm struggling to fathom why you wouldn't want to establish a close relationship between your DD and her grandparents. Little ones flourish with supportive extended family around them. My little DG comes to mine once a week and loves it. She's been coming from babyhood and she's 4 now. It's like her second home.
You sound like you are making a rod for your own back.
Let them help you

Would you feel comfortable having them come to your house and your parents have DD in one room whilst you get on with cleaning etc jobs in the rest of the house? At least then you would be getting some of the jobs that need doing done.

Haven’t read all of PPs so forgive me if I’m just repeating.

OP I hear you, you don’t want your time with her to be compromised and you don’t want to leave her with them as child care.

I think I would probably try and frame it to them as a ‘I’m trying to be more structured about my schedule so it doesn’t feel overwhelming’ and schedule them a regular spot once or twice a week.

maybe they could come and play on Sunday mornings while you sorted kitchen / playroom / living room in earshot.

and then one night a week they could bring supper over for all 4 of you to eat together?

or a standing date in a playground with a fixed start and end time? ask them to bring a snack to share?

I find people always accept boundaries better if it comes from a ‘I’m reorganising a few things’ rather than ‘I want to limit you’

Why don’t you get them to come round and look after her at your house while you crack on with chores in the first instance. This means you get the shitwork of life sorted far more quickly. Be careful you do not get subsumed with being a parent only. Myself and my friends are now in the throes of children leaving home. I face the empty nest soon and am a bit sad but a couple of my friends were a bit like you and honestly one of them has cracked up a bit at the end of last year when her youngest left.