Not wanting husband to go away for work

[Kirova]

My husband works in a TV/current affairs-related role and he's often away for work, sometimes for weeks or months at a time and sometimes in places where regular contact can be difficult. He's on leave at the moment after our daughter's birth (paternity leave followed by taking some AL), but they've just asked him if he'll go for a long stint when he comes back off paternity leave. I really want to ask him to say no and request some shorter stints in nearer places, but I'm worried I am being unfair, clingy and unreasonable.

It’s his job
he has taken paternity leave and AL

is he the sole income provider? or at least the main one?

Presumably he did this job when you married and got pregnant, so YABU.

the devil is in the detail

what is a “long stint”?

A long stint can be a few months - I think the longest was 13 weeks.

Did you discuss whether he would continue to work away for long stints, whether requesting different assignments was possible and how childcare/family life would work before planning to have a baby?

If not then YABU

What did you two discuss during pregnancy? Does he think being away for 13 weeks is viable? Do you have family support? Do you have the funds to access paid help? Is he happy to be away from his child for 3 months at a time? You aren't being unreasonable to want him to take on smaller projects if they are available

And this is all a surprise to you?

Yes, we did, but part of the problem (my problem) is that I just feel differently than I expected.

This. I don’t think YABU for wanting him to be around whilst you have a newborn, but YABVU for not discussing this in detail prior to pregnancy.

It's a bit thoughtless to put someone who has just come off paternity leave on a "long stint" if he isn't the only choice. If he can pick and choose the jobs he takes, then it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask for short term jobs at the moment. If he can't and he is the only person able to fill the role, then you/he would have to suck it up. But as you are asking the question, it sounds like there is flexibility there.

What does he want to do?

My DH worked away a lot when mine were young. He is going to go, and that’s that, so you turn to family and friends. As long as you and baby are fed and clean, you’ll be doing well. Any thing else is a bonus.
Organise food home delivery, and work out who you will phone if the boiler/washing machine etc stops working.
You will get used to it.

So what was the agreement made in pregnancy? It's ok to change your mind. What is your DH saying to you now? Does he not think himself that a long stint somewhere where contact might be difficult is not a good idea with a newborn? Will you return to work eventually?

precisely

it sounds like it ines at the core of his job

question: what’s his view on it?

and how does he feel?

Thanks for this. There is some flexibility - they'll be keen for him to go on these specific placements because of experience, but he can (to some extent) make requests or negotiate.

why are you dodging questions regarding your husbands stance?

I'm not dodging questions, it just takes me time to read and reply! He isn't actually that keen on this long trip, but he's a bit worried that if he asks for something different, he might end up with loads of little trips that actually mean spending more time away/travelling.

I can't explain why I feel different, I just do.

How safe are the places he is going to? Any prospect of you getting a passport for the baby and visiting him there? The reality is that the nature of his job will mean that your role as a parent will be more challenging, especially when you go back to work.

You will feel different, you’ll feel vulnerable now you have a child who depends on you.

why doesn’t he go on this long stint

and then once you’ve had the experience, you discuss

More importantly, what did they discuss pre pregnancy?

I doubt the OP cares about that.

Alternatively if the 'long stints' are more prestigious it's discriminatory for them to take the choice away from him due to parenthood. Similar excuse not to send new mothers on career-building trips abroad.

YANBU to feel this way OP. You can feel what you feel. So can he.
Whether it's U for you to make him request shorter stints depends on the career impact and reason, for example it'd be silly to confine him to 'nearer places' if he's a Middle East expert.

Worth having a conversation over. it's OK to change your mind.

Just to mention (and sorry I didn't think to before), we have two older children (4 and 5). So I am used to being the only parent for stretches. The nice thing about his job (from a family point of view) is that he does also get quite long leaves and periods where he's back in the UK and has a lot of hours flexibility.

So none of this was new or unplanned. I do work, but I'm on maternity leave at the moment. His parents live reasonably nearby and they're always supportive. We have good friends and a good support network.

I just don't feel how I expected to feel. Nothing happened the way it was supposed to. DD was born at 32 weeks, it was a scary birth and a scary time afterwards, he was still away when I gave birth, and everything was a mess. I just feel all wrong somehow, and I feel constantly anxious about DD and worried about absolutely everything, I can't explain any better. I know it probably sounds stupid and weak.