Not wanting husband to go away for work

[Kirova]

My husband works in a TV/current affairs-related role and he's often away for work, sometimes for weeks or months at a time and sometimes in places where regular contact can be difficult. He's on leave at the moment after our daughter's birth (paternity leave followed by taking some AL), but they've just asked him if he'll go for a long stint when he comes back off paternity leave. I really want to ask him to say no and request some shorter stints in nearer places, but I'm worried I am being unfair, clingy and unreasonable.

I don’t think YABU. 3 kids alone is tough but I will say that it sounds like you have a solid network so won’t be alone. If DH doesn’t want to go for too long then it’s worth discussing with his job? But my first thought is how would refusing this trip affect his future opportunities? Would they stop asking him to do the long stints and start favouring another person hence giving them the bigger assignments? Food for thoughts!

She literally posted at 7.05. 20 minutes later you’re accusing her of dodging questions. She has a newborn for goodness sake! Give the woman a chance!

It's not unreasonable to ask him to ask if he can do shorter, nearer stints at the moment. He can only ask!

I think given the circumstances and the fact that your dc was premature, yanbu.

You just need a little extra support for the next year as you get back on your feet after that traumatic experience.

Up the sisterhood eh?

Can you go with him?
I can understand how you must feel about this with a tiny baby. Must be awful for him too.

I also had my DD at 32 weeks. It was the most traumatic and life changing event to happen to me. And we were one of the lucky ones as things went relatively well. It changed me as a person - caused depression and anxiety. The anxiety is here many years later.

Could this be some of the reason as to why you are struggling with the idea of your DH being away for a longer time? Unexplored emotions? I got very unwell (mental health wise) when DD was about 9 months old.

If it's reasonable at his work to negotiate then yes it's worth trying.

He is presumably valuable to them because of his experience. But he's just become a father after all and more flexibility is better than less at this stage.

It's also ok for you to feel differently. It's impossible to predict life after the baby is born, and how we feel about things we thought we'd cope with. In fact it's totally normal, though you will find your confidence as a mum in time too and you'll feel less dependent on him being around.

Hope it works out x

I'm sorry it was so tough for you too. Short reply because I need to go right now, but it definitely has affected me way more than I'd have imagined it would.

How you're feeling is totally understandable. I think you need to sit down with your husband and talk to him about how you're feeling, find out how he's feeling and whether he'd prefer to do a long stint away or several shorter ones, and ask him to have a conversation with work to explore the options. If you know the different options of what might be possible that would help you both decide what plan is best. Have a discussion about what support needs to be in place when he's away. I know you said his parents are around, but is there any other support as well? Would you find some mental health support for your anxiety useful, especially given the trauma of your daughter arriving premature and your husband being away?

You aren’t being unreasonable to ask him to ask. Life changes with kids.

However, the industry is in free fall at the moment, with 50-80% of freelances unemployed.

News and current affairs is protected to an extent eg at PSBs but it is still being squeezed and there are regular rounds of redundancies.

So tread carefully if he is the main breadwinner. You might want to leave it be for 18 months, and then make a change in workstyle an evolution rather than a revolution.

My dad travelled a lot and I married a man who does the same, so to me it is normal and I would never try to negotiate it down as it’s his job. However, you are perfectly reasonable to not want him to be away. You need to talk to him but maybe you will have to accept that with his job as it is, then he will travel.

good luck, it’s not easy being left at home a lot.

Given your update I think that perhaps you need to get back in touch with health visitor/GP and get some additional support. I think your dh needs to consider how he can facilitate his work to fit in with family more, whether that is making more plans with family to fully support you or going on shorter trips. I say he needs to do that because if you are unwell then you are perhaps not in a position to do that.

Ask your GP for blood tests. There are complications beyond post natal depression and anxiety such as anaemia and hypothyroidism which are more common in the months after birth. This is before you consider the impact of the birth trauma that you have experienced.

A first time mum who is well and not wanting her husband to go and do his job is one thing and the scenario lots of people are commenting on. An experienced mum who is very used to being home alone with two dc but now feeling unable to cope I think suggests you need some professional support.

This might be difficult as they have 2 other young dc, who I imagine are in school. OP, you are not being unreasonable. Speak to your husband and explain how you are feeling. You've had a traumatic birth, a prem baby, and need to look after 2 other young dc. No wonder you aren't feeling great. I wouldn't want my dh to go off for 13 weeks, either.

is he the sole income provider?

Were you followed by the postnatal mental health team? I had my DS at 33 weeks and they were brilliant. Called quite a lot to check in. They also mentioned that you have access to them for up to a year post birth. If you think you have anxiety it might be worth calling them for a chat.

how old is your baby?

when would the long stint be starting from?

would he be able to come back at any time for weekends?

I'm actually having regular blood tests and treatment for anaemia, but I'll check about a poss add on blood test for thyroid. I had a massive post-partum haemorrhage and ended up in ICU for 2 days having blood transfusions, and I was very anaemic 2 weeks later so I had another iron infusion then. I basically can't remember anything about those 2 days and my memories of DD's birth are really hazy - almost like I watched it in a movie or saw it happen to someone else. It was so fast that there was barely time for anything to happen. What with all those things together, I feel like I failed her massively by giving birth too soon and not being there when she was born. Basically nothing was how I'd planned or imagined it would be, and I suppose that's probably why I'm feeling a bit churned up about everything, including DH going back to work.

how old is your baby op

m is he the sole income provider?

Sorry, didn't mean to ignore the question. She's 8 weeks - and no, he's not the sole income provider, but I'm obviously on mat leave right now.

I think you’ve answered your own question and as hard as it is it make sense and could be better long term for him to go on this trip

as for feeling different your still recovering and finding your feet

ale sure you have some support and company while he’s away

I had a massive post-partum haemorrhage and ended up in ICU for 2 days having blood transfusions, and I was very anaemic 2 weeks later so I had another iron infusion then. I basically can't remember anything about those 2 days

Wow op
I know they say every birth is different but this literally word for word is what happened to me after ds was born at 34wk in 2021. I can understand how you're feeling.
I think some pps are being too tough, they maybe have dh's who work and come home each night so don't quite understand if it was ok before why it's not now
My dp also works away (though not as long as yours, longest was 10wk)
I had a long period of pnd before realising but I'm sure people on the outside would recognise it before me. I think the anxiousness and worry you're feeling and along with what happened at dds birth you probably have a bit of pnd too

Did you get offered a debrief at the hospital? Or do you have one booked? It has been a very traumatic delivery you've had and sometimes talking it through with the hosp a little while later can help

My dp is self employed so we agreed he wouldn't work away for a while after ds. Your husband doesn't have the same flexibility with his employer but I think you're not unreasonable at all to explain you just need him to be here and for him to take your word on that

You were obviously a very strong and able mum with dc1&2. Maybe he thinks you'll be fine again and doesn't get it that you don't understand why, but you need him a bit more right now.
Ask him to please, just this once, speak to his work and agree he'll go next time but not right now. You need a bit of time to recover from the trauma

Do you usually have some family and friends around while he's away? Surround yourself with them so it bridges the gap when he's away. But be proactive about doing this so it's not a shock to the system when he goes.

@scaredofff it's so strange when you come across someone who had "your" experience, especially when it's an unusual one! Thank you for sharing, it must have been scary going through that in 2021 with all the COVID restrictions and stuff.

I think the most disorientating thing is how distant it feels. I do have a debrief booked (Tuesday, actually) but I'm honestly a bit wary about it because I'm not sure that I really do want to "relive" anything.

I'm not sure I exactly feel depressed, more anxious. I worry that DD is going to have major health problems or that something is going to go wrong (which isn't logical because she's actually doing very well and was born quite a good weight for 32 weeks, breathing without help). When I'm up with her, I can't get back to sleep because I'm worrying, and when I do sleep, I have really vivid dreams which are like continuations of the things I'm worrying about! I don't feel like eating, and I'm just a bit..on edge. I know that I can cope once DH is away again - his parents are always supportive and helpful, and we tend to see them quite a bit. I have lots of friends and since my older DDs are both at school now, things are set up well with them. So there's no reason why I should be so anxious, it's almost just like I've lost confidence to be the only adult in the house.

It's totally reasonable for you to want your partner to be home with you and your baby and other children. He needs to look into getting a role where he isn't away for such long periods. You are allowed to find that what worked for you before doesn't work anymore, and it's totally reasonable to ask him to prioritise his family over his career while the children are small.

From what you have written here, it does sound very likely that it is your experiences giving birth this time that are the source of the anxiety, which is very understable. Your husband not travelling would treating the symptom rather than the cause. Talk to your GP or health visitor and see if you can get some help processing your experiences. Maybe you husband can stay local for a short while while this is going on. I wouldn’t make any major decisions until this is sorted.