Not wanting husband to go away for work

[Kirova]

My husband works in a TV/current affairs-related role and he's often away for work, sometimes for weeks or months at a time and sometimes in places where regular contact can be difficult. He's on leave at the moment after our daughter's birth (paternity leave followed by taking some AL), but they've just asked him if he'll go for a long stint when he comes back off paternity leave. I really want to ask him to say no and request some shorter stints in nearer places, but I'm worried I am being unfair, clingy and unreasonable.

Sorry but this is job and one he done prior to you being pregnant so you know he has to do this. Yabu I'm afraid. However yanbu go feel this.

If you’re both not wanting him to go away on a long stint, he should just say no this time, he’s not saying never again, just this time. It’s OK to change your mind, being a parent does this. You will get some new Mums saying it’s fine for partner to go away for work, that they will cope, but I suspect most would rather partner at home.

You need to both decide if you accept the job isn't family friendly and that he will be away a lot.
Or he looks for a change in direction to something more family friendly.

You have my sympathy.... My DH is Army and has been away a lot over the years. He went away when DD1 was 10 days old (home every 2nd weekend for 4 months), and missed DD2s birth altogether, getting home when she was 2 weeks old. We found our own routines, and did have family help. Its not easy. I've seen a lot of families change their minds after a baby, despite knowing what the life was when they wanted children. Also seen many more families make it work.

There's no harm in him asking his work for a couple of months of shorter spells away from home, but it may well have other consequences, ie more trips, even less time at home.

I think I'd also feel vulnerable about being left with sole care of a newborn, they're so vulnerable. Have you got a good support network round you? I'm sure if your family and friends will do all they can to keep you going whilst he's away. I understand that you're anxious.

Assuming you’re planning to retun to work after mat leave what’s the plan then? What are your and your H’s work options?

Works OK for some couples, but fathers working as though they have no DC means massive costs and risks to their partner, both short and long term. It’s not a deal I’d take.

I actually do care, and that's why I'm not just flat out making demands or causing a scene.

That was a bit of a drip feed OP. Here we are thinking you're a first time mum! Do you think you might have a little postnatal anxiety due to the trauma of your dds arrival?

Is he allowed to say no? I wouldn’t want to miss my baby for up to 3 months at that age. Depends on how his employer is with saying no, if he can’t then he can’t and you’ll have to suck it up unfortunately

Just seen your update about her being premature... I completely get why it feels different this time. Can he extend his paternity leave a bit more, even unpaid?

It's ok to feel different this time given the circumstances but it's unfair to put this on him now given this is your 3rd not 1st child and his job predates you all

Didn't you discus this before you became parents. I wouldn't have a child with someone who was away a lot

It's absolutely fine to feel differently now. No one knows how they will feel after the baby is born because no one has a crystal ball.

I agree it's thoughtless they've asked him to go for a long while after paternity leave, they know he's got a newborn.

IME a lot of fathers refuse to seek many or even any changes at work in order to share parenting during the week, prioritising their personal work prospects.

If you’re returning to work and you and the baby are doing OK healthwise it could actually work better for him to go now than when you’re back.

@Honeychickpea Jesus, what's your problem

I don't think you're being unreasonable in feeling the way you do. A baby and two other children to cope with plus a change in routine probably seems very daunting.

When push comes to shove you will cope though. You always do. You might want to consider which would be more preferable though. Lots of trips ( which might be easier) or long stints (where you do get into a routine).

Sorry, it really wasn't meant to be a dripfeed... It didn't occur to me that this was what everyone would assume, but it makes sense! Anyway, I'm sorry, I wasn't meaning to withhold, just didn't want to waffle on too long and I'm a bit sleep-deproved... I thought it would be fine because it has always been fine (if sometimes challenging) in the past, but I just feel...different. Nothing was the way I expected and planned.

Doesn't sound weak - don't let the AIBU bitches get to you.

Having a premature baby is probably the most anxiety inducing thing

From your update it seems that your H is indeed one of these ‘facilitated’ fathers. it’d be shitty of him to leave you all in light of your newborn being prem and you feeling this way.

When is he supposed to go? If it's a couple of weeks away at the moment I think you would be OK to ask him to not do this one, and maybe to take some holiday at the end of his paternity leave. I would imagine as you've done this twice already that the way you're feeling is down to the fact that the birth was traumatic and your youngest is premature.
If he's meant to be leaving this week I think you may be hard pushed to expect him to be able to sort anything, though he may be able to take dependant leave. Would he be happy to do this?
You're not unreasonable for feeling the way you do. But sometimes circumstances can't be changed and you just have to .ake the best of it.
Please also consider that you may have post natal depression, and speaking to your doctor or midwife might help.

No one is asking why his company is choosing to do this to a new father.

Way back in the 90’s when ds was born, ex DH’s company hardly sent him anywhere for the first 6 months. This was pretty normal.

Usually I'd say the longer trips are definitely preferable, because he does get then longer "home" periods and we get into a routine. None of the places he goes to are 100% "safe" (it's kind of the nature of the job) but actually the currently proposed trip is one of the less worrying ones from recent times!

Reading your update I think you might have post natal depression/ anxiety. It can be triggered by traumatic birth experience. Have you seen the gp or health visitor. I had it with my first and it makes motherhood so much more of an anxious experience

I found this the hardest when I returned to full time work. When DH was away, I had to do all of the childcare/school pick ups and drop offs. If my work needed me to stay late, I couldn’t. When my children got ill, I was the one who had to take all the time off. I also had to do all the appointments and my daughter had quite a lot of those. Because my DH wasn’t away all the time, it seemed crazy to pay for a nanny but we did do this for a bit. You will need to have your life organised like a working single mum which no one thinks is easy.

I have no idea why the replies to the OP are in the main so bluntly telling her she's unreasonable. My interpretation is that she's not at all unreasonable to feel the way she does. Giving birth screws all of our hormones and feelings, and she didn't expect to feel this way. It's not a crime.

I would say maybe DH does need to take the assignment but that doesn't mean you are wrong to feel unhappy about it OP, just as he wouldn't be unreasonable to take it. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

If you feel differently and he can negotiate, ask him not to go this time. I think it's fair enough.