Not wanting husband to go away for work

[Kirova]

My husband works in a TV/current affairs-related role and he's often away for work, sometimes for weeks or months at a time and sometimes in places where regular contact can be difficult. He's on leave at the moment after our daughter's birth (paternity leave followed by taking some AL), but they've just asked him if he'll go for a long stint when he comes back off paternity leave. I really want to ask him to say no and request some shorter stints in nearer places, but I'm worried I am being unfair, clingy and unreasonable.

I have heard good things about the Birth Trauma Association. Might be worth getting in touch with them?

Thanks for all of the advice and support, I really appreciate it. I'm finding it hard to open up in real life.

My older sister has offered to come over for a couple of weeks, which would be lovely if she can manage it. (We're 10 years apart in age so we've never had a classic sibling relationship and in a lot of ways she's more like a close friend than an older sister.) DH sister has also offered to help out and stay for a bit here and there. So there's plenty of support on offer. The practical side isn't actually stressing me so much because I'm used to that, albeit minus a young baby.

I'll try to write down some of the main points before I go to the debrief - I'm not sure it's worth contacting the GP or anything before that. I do feel tired but - that's normal! And actually I don't feel 100% 'well' (a bit sort of sick, lightheaded, headachey) but I'm not certain that this isn't just down to anxiety, lack of sleep..... I know I should be eating better but I haven't any appetite and it feels like there's a lump in my throat and I can't swallow. And DD needs a lot of attention, more so than the other two did at this stage I think, although I might just be misremembering. They're currently enjoying getting taken on lots of outings and being allowed to eat whatever they want for dinner every day!

With options

Surely you knew this was a possibility before getting pregnant.
Do you work and bring in some cash? Or is it all down to him?

Yes, I do - sorry I didn't make that clear in my first post. I didn't think of it, but obviously it's relevant!

OP - big hugs. Your appetite and general feeling of not rightness will all be anxiety related - the doctor will set you right. Do you have a local postnatal health group/charity? Having the sisters to stay sounds like a good idea too

What a truly shitty remark.

You knew it was his job - did either of you discuss what would happen when you had children or got older? I cant see how he can do his job with in the way you want.

Doesn't matter what you 'knew' - circumstances change

The OP has clearly had a traumatic birth that needs taking into consideration

No doubt things can go back to normal when she feels more herself

You don’t have to be so unpleasant in all your posts you know. You might enjoy being helpful or positive for a change.

I honestly wrote YABU based in your original post but after reading some of your posts, your newest member is a 32w premmie and now 8 weeks old you were expecting to have a 1-3 week old baby at this point.

Something clearly isn't sitting right with you whether it be hormonal, anxiety PND, whatever, you've been the partner that has done the heavy lifting whilst he went away with your elder two so it's not like you've not been supportive.

Talk to him explain that you feel differently to how you expected to feel and that for the short term period you'd like him closer /shorter times away

Hope your little one is doing well

Just to say again, I really don't have an issue with the fact that he works away generally... It's not that. It's kind of just the way it feels right now.

Sorry, I'm too tired and probably not making any sense at all!

Can you afford to hire a maternity nurse for the period he is away? Is there somewhere in the house they could live in? . Then another adult in house and help for you to recover

I think you are a little U, in that I cant imagine current affairs TV production companies have much choice over where they will send people for stories at fairly short notice. It's not like filming a show where it's aired 6 months later.
Would he be doing significantly more childcare if he was on shorter stints?
I think if that's his career and job, short of switching roles I think he would not be allowed to pick and choose to a wide extent where he goes to. I have worked in production but it was a long time ago.
I understand fully you feel anxious about the baby and the birth. I hope you have your family and friends around as support, as I know childcare would seem hard at this young age I'd imagine for you to leave the baby with someone unfamiliar.

Kirova, please talk honestly to your health care team on Tuesday, if not before, & explain how you are feeling, not so much about partner going away but more about your anxiety, difficulty in getting back to sleep due to imagined scenarios, lack of appetite etc I’ve only picked a few of your statements but you have huge flags waving that you are struggling & are trying to belittle or dismiss your own needs, please don’t, you are feeling this way for a reason & need support. Sister & SIL sound great & accept their help but also seek medical support too. Sending you hugs xxx

This

Not sure why you're getting a hard time on here, ita perfectly reasonable not to realise how hard life is with a baby once the baby has arrived. It's probably time that DH thinks about a job where less travel is required, many men have done the same once they have a family

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I think most posters have actually only read the OP, and are jumping to conclusions that you are trying to kill his career.

You are clearly not. The fact that you need some extra support from him right now does not mean that he has to give up his career. He is obviously senior enough to have some say in what he does.

Talk to him, say what you are saying on here. Don't bottle it up because you have been OK with things before. You've never had a premature baby before, by the sound of it. It's normal you should feel different about it.

Thank you for all the support. I did go to my de-brief today, but I don't know how much it helped. I felt like I have to keep it together and I didn't want to be self-pitying or ungrateful for all that's been done for me. I just sort of felt like I wasn't really there and I was watching someone else do it. Then, when I got home, everything suddenly went weird - I felt like I couldn't breathe and my heart was beating so fast that I felt like I'd actually black out. I don't know whether you'd call it a panic attack or not - I never really know what is and isn't a panic attack - but I suddenly felt so scared by everything. And it's nonsensical, because my DD is actually doing really well and is gaining weight and developing exactly right. So I don't know why I've gone so flakey!

I did get the blood tests done, so maybe something will come up from that - but maybe not, maybe I'm just tired!

In the end DH and I decided he should do the trip, but he's negotiated it down to two weeks with with a 5 day return back, then another two weeks after that - if all goes to plan. That makes me feel a little less intimidated.

Oh bless you, yes, that's a panic attack. Can you see the gp before he leaves?

Have you had a proper conversation with your DH and told him exactly how you're feeling?

Such a relief about the trip! So glad work was flexible! You’ve got this!

Honestly I would try to contact your GP today. I personally would do an econsult because then you know that you can just write it down and then go into the session with them knowing what the issue is so you don't need to explain it. When I was in a similar place I went in with a handwritten note because I did not have the words to express myself.

Does your husband know/ understand the extent of the issue?

I was convinced it was postnatal depression but turned out to be my thyroid which is why I suggested it earlier in the thread.