Not wanting husband to go away for work

[Kirova]

My husband works in a TV/current affairs-related role and he's often away for work, sometimes for weeks or months at a time and sometimes in places where regular contact can be difficult. He's on leave at the moment after our daughter's birth (paternity leave followed by taking some AL), but they've just asked him if he'll go for a long stint when he comes back off paternity leave. I really want to ask him to say no and request some shorter stints in nearer places, but I'm worried I am being unfair, clingy and unreasonable.

I think a lot depends on how he feels about his job. Is this his dream career that he finds stimulating, interesting and exciting? If so, I don't think he'll want to give it up for a 9 to 5 office job. You talk a lot about how you feel but how does he feel? Is spending so much time away from his family difficult for him or does he see it as a price worth paying?
Unless he's happy to have a complete career change you might not be able to do anything about it.

I'm actually generally okay with the set up - he is a great dad and he's very hands on and involved with the kids when he is here. It just happens that he's had a lot of long stints away over the last 2 years because of events in the places where he tends to work in. This one he's been asked to do should be more low-key and with a clear end-date, which isn't always the case - so they probably think they're actually being considerate of circumstances.

I'd agree that it's much more about me and my state of mind. I just don't know how to bring it up - with family or medical professionals or anything. I can't even explain it well here where there's no pressure and nobody knows me! It feels like I'm in this fog of worries and my mind never stops, I can't sleep properly, I don't want to eat, and I'm just so exhausted but then I STILL can't rest and relax because my mind won't switch off. I started to think about all the bad things that could happen and I feel like I'm going to make them happen because I'm thinking about it... Maybe I'm just totally losing it!

He loves his work and I don't see him wanting a career change, although it may well work out that he travels less in the future or ends up based on different places. I am pretty sure he'd never want an office job unless something majorly changes the way he feels about things.

You sound understandably traumatised by your birth experience. If you've been fine before about him leaving it indicates it's not about you being 'precious'. It sounds like at the debrief you need to be supported. Can dh go with you to advicate for you?

It might be useful to explore at the debrief how your mental health has been affected and see what support there is for you.

All the best op, you've been through the mill. Congratulations on the birth of your little one. 💐

why don’t you just go ahead with this stint

and then revisit post stint and if you both agree not working…
he would then have more justification to asking for reduced stints until baby older

I understand exactly why you feel different. Being in sole charge of a baby is daunting at first. But you can do it

just ask him to read that post OP

I can see that seems logical, but I'm not sure it would help. I don't mind about him going away in the future, it's more that I don't feel 'ready'. Silly..

ok so could you ask him to ask boss to wait 3 months or so for longer stint postings?

Thanks, I really appreciate the words of support!

Maybe it has had a bigger impact on me than I really realised. For context, Friday (26 Jan) was DD's due date! So I completely expected to be using the Christmas holiday to get things in place, back at work for a couple of weeks and then a couple more weeks before her arrival. And nothing went as planned, at all.

I feel a bit precious implying that I was traumatised by the birth when it all happened SO fast and I can barely remember anything from afterwards. I was in such a panic because it was too early and I just wanted them to stop her coming! And really it's all fine, because she was okay, she's doing very well, there's no reason to think she won't be completely healthy. So there's no reason for me to still be so...affected.

Might be an idea and I'll try to chat about it tonight. He'll have to say yes or no by tomorrow or Tuesday at latest.

Don't be so ridiculous

Does he get to come home each week?

I can see why you're more nervous this time

Can he just do a few shorter ones that gets you to the 3 month mark?

You might feel totally back to normal by then

Birth trauma + Pnd?

Talk to your midwife/HV/GP

I had similar after my 3rd and my oh had to go away really soon and it suddenly wasn’t as I’d expected to feel either. Is there anyone who could come and stay with you eg younger relative in a kind of temp au pair capacity or similar to help you ease back into it ?

Oh I really feel for you. When does dh need to decide if he’s going to ask for something different? I think you need to do the debrief and also tell your midwife/ health visitor how you’re feeling. The anxiety is your body and mind stuck on high alert because something really dramatic and threatening happened. It has all turned out ok but your body and hormones just need a bit more time and maybe dime medical help to calm down again. It’s perfectly totally understandable to want your dh around more while you recover.

That's like marrying a guy in the army then asking him not to go to war, or a sailer to sea

It's his job

oh love this is all very fresh. I’m not surprised you’re more anxious this time. He really should be staying closer to home for a bit. Sounds like you’re not in top form, perhaps post natal anxiety. Take care of yourself

Oh gosh @Kirovahugest hugs you have been through a lot. It sounds incredibly stressful. If he is with one of the bigger current affairs players, they will usually be pretty understanding in these circumstances. ITV/ BBC/ ITN/ C4 all have carers passport and new parent policies. Of he explains how traumatic your experience was (I'm sure they have an idea given how early baby turned up and your stint in the ICU) they may be able to be more flexible for the next couple of months.

When you go for your debrief (or before if possible) I think you need to ask about possible PTSD and postnatal anxiety, as well as PND. Also, get them to check your iron levels again - and thyroid. Low iron can impact your thyroid function and heighten anxiety and depression symptoms.

Oh that's a tricky one, I assume it's one of those jobs that's more of a lifestyle than 'just a job' - I assume it's pretty well paid too? I bet it's probably really interesting for him and it's not like it's new so if that's what he does, then so be it!

However, you definitely need to try to satisfy everybody as much as you can, agree asking for a couple of shorter postings just now would be better, just until you're back into the swing of things, hope you can get something sorted!

Have you read the whole thread? OP had a baby at 32 weeks and spent two days in the ICU 8 weeks ago. She is also not a first time mum.

Can you get a daily nanny/housekeeper in to help ?

I wonder if before it was fine because you had everything under control, you could plan abd all was fine. I assume he was planning on being back for Christmas and the birth take leave then go back.

then your birth happened and he wasn’t there abd the trauma from that still remains. Please don’t downplay your experience, I had a fast labour at 41 weeks and a much less scary haemorrhage and that took time so your experience definitely needs a debrief and counselling

Barely being able to remember anything can be a sign of trauma, as opposed to it suggesting you’re not traumatised.

I think going to the debrief would be a positive step as it’s really important that you process everything that happened but I do think maybe getting some emotional support/talking to your HV etc may also be worth while.