Mumsnet phone helpline

[Flyhigher]

What if there was a Mumsnet phone line?
Would it work? Or fraught with difficulties?

Press 17 for - man here. My wife has just had triplets and isn't interested in sex any more. It's not fair.

Press 20 to cancel the cheque

Press 20 if you want to talk to unqualified non-medics about whether or not you should go to A&E.
Press 21 if you know you are not being unreasonable and just want validation.

There would have to be a screening step to make sure people with additional requirements were catered for:

"Hello, thankyou for calling MN Towers. So that we can direct your call, please press 1 if you are a SPAG pedant, or 2 for the main menu."

6 for how many meals you made a chicken last for
7 to disclose how big your salad was
8 for I have a pimple on my nose, should I go to A&E?

Answering said helpline not a job I'd be applying for.

i forgot

9 for 'I am outraged by what I read in the daily fail today'

...and finally press 9 if you think you might have accidentally just washed the inside of your vagina...

And if you're waiting for your husband to realise you're right and he is wrong, please hold....for a very long time..

I was going to say this!

😁😁Great idea for a thread!

But how would sweary exhortations to RTFT work??

Haha I’m in! 😅

Press 6 for basic diagram training, it's crucial to supply these on demand when called for.

🤣🤣🤣

Press 29 for humble brag.

There would also have to be an option to start a conversation and then simply never speak again despite a huge amount of conversational input from the other party.

Press 6 for benefit bashing
Press 7 for social housing bashing
Press 8 higher earning bashing
Hang up if you're a Step-parent.

Press any number you like because you know we won't read anything you type before we respond.

Press 22 if you have more than 50p in savings and need to be told to stop bragging about it.

I immediately thought of Father Ted!

Press 23 if you’re in desperate need of medical assistance but would rather talk to randomers than attend A&E.

this is the one

mumsnetters answering calls should receive special training on getting across the passive aggressive head tilt over the phone...

"we are experiencing a large number of calls and there may be a delay in answering your call, please hold for the next available operator, or call back later"

Do you not realise that MN is a private limited company?? It is like any other business. It has a revenue of nearly £9 million a year Did you think it was some little people sitting around doing it in their spare time????? 😂😂😂

<tinkly on hold music>

"Please stay on the line...your call is important to us.
Did you know that you can post on www.mumsnet.com/talk^^ to get a faster response to your query."

<more on hold music for another 5 minutes>

"You are caller 5,631 in this queue. Please stay on the line and an agent will be with you as soon as possible. Your call is important to Mumsnet.com"

<Even more on hold music>

"You are next. You will be transferred to an agent, please hold...."

click (phone hangs up)

Press 25 if you’d rather be drawn into a debate on a subject you didn’t think you cared about than talk to the children in your house.

Press 26 to be told you are owed no inheritance, no babysitting by your in-laws and that to go NC over an insulted cheese flan is a perfectly reasonable response.

Press 27 if you want to get involved with a conversation that you KNOW was actually started by a 15 year old troll but have nothing better to do.

😂