To ask if you work or are a SAHP..

[DontBeTight]

Just that really, those of you who have children under school age. Do you work, or do you stay at home? Or work part time? My youngest won't start school until 2026 so I'm considering giving up work and having the rest of the time full time at home with her as my income makes very little difference to the household.

Those who stay at home, do you enjoy it?

These threads always go the same way don't they?

Anyway. I work two days a week. Looking to build that up once my DD starts school.

I like having my own money, and my own life. If I was a SAHM I'd feel useless and too dependent on my DH.

But that's just my opinion.

It's exactly how I feel too.

@Bogfrog I also a sahm and don't plan to go back when they start school but worry about what others will think. I know I shouldn't but how did you deal with that side of it ? Any jealous or sly comments ? I know I really shouldn't care and this is something I'm trying to work on. It's our life and our finances / business so why should it matter to anyone else

I’ve been at home for 22 years, since I was 22 years old (4 children, 22 to 3 years old).

I love it. I only ever wanted to be a mother though. I never had any career aspirations. I’m happy. my family are happy.

It’s really, really pissed people off over the years though, I’ve had some very strong feelings about my personal life preferences made known to me!

No idea why MN gets in a froth about SAHPs. Who cares? It's as if looking after your own children is suddenly unacceptable. No, it's not. It's 100% normal. Some people just need to get over themselves.

It shouldn’t matter to anyone else.

Do what works for you and your family, other people really don’t factor into that at all.

Also people use more manners (generally) in the real world than they do on mumsnet- no one has ever questioned me about my decision apart from on here!

Whatdoy - exactly. There are people on here like broken records about SAHMs and they've been at it for years. Says more about them, but they will never accept that. So on and on they go, totally unaware.

I’ve not had anything derogatory said to my face but I know the occasional person has passed comment eg a family friend said something to my mum about me “wasting my education”. I know this is utter nonsense for various reasons (earned enough money to buy our first house, how I met my husband, life experience of Oxbridge/work etc) so take no notice. I’m secure enough in my choices and the benefits to me and my family to not care.

@indigoskies half of the problem is down to jealousy.

A lot of people take it as a personal affront that other people have different priorities or make different choices to them. It’s very strange.

(not to mention the one dimensional, completely non intersectional ‘feminism’ that gets trotted out every time)

PT here. Have a 2 year old. I was going to be a SAHM but changed my mind during maternity leave. Luckily I had the option of family childcare. Had it been nursery or childminder, I wouldn't have (he only naps in buggy or breastfeeding so it's a little complicated. Once I have a 2nd I think I will be staying at home.

I tend to think it's deep insecurity that drives the SAHM-obsessed posters on here. I think some women really don't enjoy being with their babies or children. It is what it is. But, for some reason, it really irks them when other women wouldn't have their lives any other way and feel they have so much to offer to their children, day to day, and just have different priorities in life. What can you do? People are different. I couldn't imagine getting remotely worked up about someone else's lifestyle. Who cares?

@indigoskies It does seem very one way for sure. I never see SAHM criticising working mums, it is always working mums bashing us.

Your theory is quite interesting, I hadn't considered that. I just assume they wish they could be SAHM and resent the fact they can't. Why else would anyone be so ready to attack strangers for their life choices.

Oh, it absolutely goes both ways and it can be harsh on both sides.

I was called sick for putting my baby in nursery on a thread similar to this. I've also been called selfish, materialistic etc and of course the classic why bother having children if you're going to let nursery raise them. That's just from the top of my head, there's many more.

I don't think they themselves actually want to be SAHMs. A lot of them say they couldn't get back to work quick enough. They just really don't want other women to be able to want to be SAHMs! It seems to discombobulate them. Or perhaps they don't want other children to have their mums around? Its something odd like that.

Agreed, there are currently at least 3 threads on the first few pages of AIBU full of people making equally snide comments about working mums. We aren’t our child’s main carers, and we don’t enjoy spending time with them, apparently! It all reeks of people who feel that it’s not enough for them to be happy with their own choices, other people must be unhappy with theirs.

Anyway, to return to OP, me and my husband split parental leave and have now both returned to work - right choice for us, but people and their circumstances / personalities differ. I would probably be putting more into proactively advancing my career at this stage in time if I didn’t have a small child, but getting the time I want with her in the evenings means taking my foot off that pedal slightly. Again, some other women would make different choices.

All I can say is that I will encourage my daughter to work hard at school, to get good grades, to eventually go to uni and work hard to get herself a decent career to always fall back on should she need it. In exactly the same as I do for my sons. I probably have higher expectations of her as we're still figting the patriarchy.
And yes, if I'm being honest I would feel a bit gutted if she put in all of that effort and then just gave it all up indefinitely.

As long as my ds is happy I don’t give a monkeys what he does (crime etc apart obviously!).

@Whatdoy So what if they said they literally didn't want to do anything with their life?

What do you mean don’t want to do anything?

@Whatdoy They didn't want to work.

Why are you only “doing something” with your life if you work?

Can you not have a full life without working for someone else?

@Ouchmyarse How do you propose one pays the bills? Where are you going to live?

My son might never be able to work.

However, if I had a child that wasn’t disabled then obviously they would need to be doing something or being supported somehow. Either through working, or being in a couple or family of some kind, or living in a commune (which generally involves a lot of work!) or whatever they decided.

Thats pretty obvious really- no one can survive on fresh air.

@Whatdoy Well clearly not being able to work and making the choice not to work are two very different things.