To ask if you work or are a SAHP..

[DontBeTight]

Just that really, those of you who have children under school age. Do you work, or do you stay at home? Or work part time? My youngest won't start school until 2026 so I'm considering giving up work and having the rest of the time full time at home with her as my income makes very little difference to the household.

Those who stay at home, do you enjoy it?

You're entirely financially independent? On £1k a month? So what do you spend his £2k a month on? Working part time and having an income of your own isn't the same as being "entirely financially independent". You could be financially independent, but you're not, and frankly so could most women.
It's great that you have a balance you're happy with, but it's a bit silly to try and beat other women down for also having supportive husband's, when really, you're not so different.

Exactly. They work together to provide for their family.

Unless the husband does zero child care, contributes nothing to the rent/bills/food/children’s supplies and hobbies etc, and every penny he earns stays firmly in his back pocket.

Its usually arsehole men that need to have this explained to them.

There's a huge difference between being fully financially dependent and working as a team to pay the bills.
Anyway, back to work now...

@Whatdoy My definition of being financially independent is NOT requiring the wages of another person to get by. If OP got divorced and is on a grand a month there is no way she could support 3 kids and pay rent without benefit top ups, meaning she isn't independent (which is fine)
But don't tell SAHM they shouldn't rely on their husbands wages when she does the same.

@BreeBacon You rely on your husband's wages entirely without working yourself!!! Very different!!

@LorlieS 'There's a huge difference between being fully financially dependent and working as a team to pay the bills.'

Don't brag about being ENTIRELY financially independent then, because you aren't.

@LorlieS Yes I do rely on his wages entirely, I never suggested I didn't. You on the other hand have contradicted yourself. Not quite as self sufficient as you'd like to promote after all.

I agree with you!
**
@LorlieS There's a huge difference between being fully financially dependent and working as a team to pay the bills

There is a difference, just as there is a difference between your situation and actually being financially independent, which you aren’t.

The point is that none of the situations are superior to the others.

So if she broke up with him and he had 50% custody, would he still be “supporting her”

No.

@0rangeCrush No. She'd need to support herself.
Which I did.
Strangely enough, I share custody with my wealthy ex-husband. Courts ruled 50/50 since the boys were 3 and 6.
I left the martial home for safety.
We were left homeless.
He changed the locks of the marital home within hours of me leaving.
I needed somewhere ASAP for my boys and to live.
I found a tiny private rental and use every penny of my wages to put down a deposit.
I thank God ever day I didn't rely on him and become a SAHM.

And when you are, you can tell us all how financially independent you are.

Are you nhs admin per chance?

lol. Many similarities between your circumstances, and ours. If you can truly afford not to work, and feel you would be fulfilled staying home instead, then try it. You can always return to work p/t if you need some balance between the two.

I work part time however, and feel it’s actually more hectic than when I was f/t!

No? Because they wouldn’t be a couple anymore.

He also wouldn’t be paying towards her rent or bills, she would have to pay all that herself plus pay for all the childcare she would need for her half of the time with the children.

That’s how it works when people split up… which I presume you already know.

@Oliotya When I am what?

@Whatdoy Actually, it's not usually.
In most cases the mum has more than 50% custody. In which maintenance is (or course rightly) paid. So he would be still contributing financially, no?

Given your work situation I would try being a SAHP! I think people either love it or hate it. It sounds like your job is one you could go back to in the future and if something terrible happened to your husband and he couldn't work then I'm sure you could easily go back into a job on a similar wage. Your children are only little once, when you're older and look back I doubt you'd regret spending the time with them rather than working unnecessarily.

Every divorced woman I know at the moment has 50/50 custody (on paper at least).

Others I have known have brought their children up entirely on their own without any financial support from the dad. They truly were financially independent, once the blokes had fucked off that was them.

Many women earn well (more than their blokes) and could afford their lives if they got divorced, so could happily be financially independent if the need arose- but while they are married and have a partner they aren’t, they are a team, like you.

You seem to have switched from insisting you are entirely financially independent (while sharing finances with your husband), to arguing that no one if financially independent, even if they get divorced?

Its all very odd.

I was never a SAHP but would've been if I had that option. I worked part time until my son started school (3 days a week). Now work full time.

@Whatdoy Exactly how many divorced women do you know? I'd be incredibly surprised to find that all of.them had 50/50 custody. And if "not on paper" as you put it, what do you mean?

Wonderful if they earn more than their blokes, but in cases where they don't, why can't you see that that having their own income stream and job is still hugely beneficial?!! To both themselves and their children.

I never said it isn’t beneficial for some people- clearly everyone is different and has different wants and needs- I only said it isn’t beneficial to me. To quote myself above “the point is none of the situations are superior to the others”.

By ‘at least on paper’ I meant that the dads have all pushed for 50/50 custody but when it actually comes to seeing the kids a lot of the time they are ‘ill’ or ‘working’ or whatever else excuse they come up with.

@Whatdoy Ah I see, so not 50/50 custody at all then.

?

50/50 in that that is what is court ordered, so the men don’t pay CM, but actually they don’t have the children 50% of the time for one reason or another, leaving the mothers to go back and forth to court to try and sort it out until they eventually run out of energy and just put up with it.

It’s very common- if you are on here much you will have read about it many times.

So from a financial point of view, it is 50/50 custody.

@Lorlie I am assuming you were earning more money when your first marriage broke down as there is NO way you could have done all of that on your current wages. So if the relationship you're in now broke down, you would have to find another job. Which would be the same for SAHM. I think we can all agree that bad things can happen at anytime, so I'm very much along the lines of enjoying the now. Just as a marriage could break down, you could be diagnosed with something terminal and regret not having that time with your kids. It goes both ways. If I am being truly honest, the vast majority of people don't WANT to work they just have to. I don't know one person who thinks 'can't wait for work on Monday'

They are definitely out there.

I adore my job. DH is a high earner too and we could manage with me as a SAHM on one salary but it's not what I'd want at all for several reasons but one of those reasons is because I love my job.

@SouthLondonMum22 Even if I won the lottery tomorrow I would still work. Each to their own, but I wouldn't feel fulfilled as a SAHM. There is also something nice about being able to treat your family every now and again with money you have gone out to earn.