To ask if you work or are a SAHP..

[DontBeTight]

Just that really, those of you who have children under school age. Do you work, or do you stay at home? Or work part time? My youngest won't start school until 2026 so I'm considering giving up work and having the rest of the time full time at home with her as my income makes very little difference to the household.

Those who stay at home, do you enjoy it?

Well, exactly.

Wanting to marry someone with the same or a similar mentality doesn't make someone abusive just because it wouldn't be what you didn't envisage or want.

DH is exactly who I want as a husband and as a father or I wouldn't have married him or had DC with him.

You're very fortunate in the flexibility your DC allowed you. There is no way I could have chosen when to get up, it was when the DC did, and showers had to be taken before that, or in a tiny window where I hoped they would be happy playing independently. Pubs and cafes with DC did not make for relaxing lunches, and everyone I'd want to meet up with was at work anyway. Being able to go on holiday when you like is great, but stops at school age. I find your perspective interesting, as its so different from my experience and I've always wondered how long term SAHMs cope with the lack of freedom. I guess it's about perception.

I’ve had friends who have had a hard time in marriages/relationships due to finances, a couple of friends in the past who didn’t have shared finances and were left with nothing paying half the bills while their partners/husbands had lots of money.

I married someone with a similar outlook to me. We both came from families where finances were pooled, both our mothers were at home until the youngest went to school, both our mothers were the ones who dealt with the family finances regardless of if they worked or not. Our fathers were both very hands on with housework.

We discussed before we lived together what we would do with finances and we both agreed on what we wanted k it lives to look like (everything shared, I wanted to be at home with the children, dh didn’t expect me to take on all the housework etc).

People need to be clear what they want out of a relationship. If that doesn’t match up, well, they aren’t the person you should build a life and family with.

Dh would obviously been happy if I wanted to work too - he didn’t insist I stay at home as his mum did. He just wants me to be happy. If I wanted to go and find a job tomorrow, he would support me and we’d make childcare work together.

He would also have loved to have been the parent who stayed at home. But he’s the one with the fabulous education and earning potential.

Ultimately, if you don't agree on big things such as finances then there will be issues no matter if they are shared or not. We've never had any issues with finances because we have a similar mindset when it comes to that.

I grew up with a SAHM and knew that wasn't what I wanted from as long as I could remember so met and married someone who was happy for both of us to continue working FT after DC.

Like you said, people need to be clear and there needs to be a lot of good communication.

My son is home educated, so we aren’t tied to school timetables.

I took him in the shower with me from birth and added a box of toys too when he got bigger, and I obviously had to get up if he left the bedroom but I didn’t have to be up and dressed up, I could lie down in the playroom while he pottered around (I suddenly became disabled overnight more or less when he was 9 months so I had to learn to adapt everything to my reduced mobility)

It wasn’t always relaxing when he was small- he once managed to knock a whole table over on the balcony of a weatherspoons, sending 2 all day breakfasts over the balcony railing onto the people below 😬, all the usual SEN toddler stuff, but given space and quiet he will amuse himself for hours.

I want to read my book? Take him to the park and he will run laps for 45 minutes, eat an ice cream and do it again! And now he is 10 he is actually really good company, we enjoy doing all sorts together.

I had loads of sah parent friends for the first 6/7 years too.

My line of work really isn’t relaxing either so I’d rather be stressed on my own schedule!

How can you work more hours as a ta? The hours are dictated by the length of the school day.

@Whatdoy I stayed at the same school but was employed more hours and as a qualified teacher.

So you’d have to hope that they needed a teacher and decided to employ you etc. Basically getting a new job and possibly employers- that’s no necessarily any more reliable a plan than a sahm’s plan to get a new job if they need to.

@Whatdoy It was easy because I'd never been out of work, even though my ex-husband had pleaded with me to give it up and become a SAHM as he was very wealthy. Not a chance, sunshine!
Had the school I was at not been able to offer me this, I would have found employment as a teacher at another school or done supply.
It meant I could fund a 2-bed private rental no probs, put food on the table and so on.

But because it worked out once, doesn’t mean it would necessarily work again. You have an extra child now, you are about to go more part time, there is a ‘cost of living crisis’ meaning rent is ridiculous, schools are loosing funding hand over fist.

Im not saying it’s a bad position, just that it’s not necessarily more secure than sahm’s position- we all have very different situations, some would be able to walk back into work, or whatever else.

@Whatdoy I disagree. I think that if you out of a profession for a significant length of time it is far harder to return to work. You would also need to retrain in many cases.
The fact schools are losing funding hand over fist is yet another reason why I'm best off in the long-term out of education!

I’ve worked since my DS was about 9 months old. We couldn’t have afforded for me to stay at home and mentally I’d never be able to do it so I truly take my hat off to the people who do.

DS is a lot older now and me and his dad are no longer together. My BIL and SIL made the made decision for her to stay at home when they have had their DC. SIL explained to me as ‘not wanting someone else to bring up their kids’ which I felt was really rude. Her kids are now at school and she’s staying a SAHM which is fair enough but they CONSTANTLY and I mean every time I see them complain about being skint, being poor, make sly comments about things we/other BIL do and how they can’t afford it. Which annoys me, they chose this

The thing is you have no idea what SAHMs individual situations are. I could get a job tomorrow if I wanted to, but I don't. I am also a landlady. Your position is more precarious than mine.

@BreeBacon Nice. So you must've worked at one point to be able to afford to buy a property to rent out?

Yes I worked before the kids.

I gave up work once I got married and 12months later had a baby. And God willing won't have to go back. I have worked since I was 16 and i did enjoy some aspects BUT I really am suited to house wife / SAHM. I love looking after my family and home so much. I don't get bored. I have hobbies I do, and have friends and we do lots of family outings.

I did miss my own income initially and felt awkward using someone else's. but my DH lets me spend his money he says our money.
I couldn't imagine going back to work. I couldn't imagine putting my kids in childcare / nursery knowing and hearing the horror stories as well as what goes on in schools these days.

We also plan to home school which I love already as I always incorporate learning in the day with my toddler.

But people only need ‘a job’, not necessarily the same one they used to do.

I gave up when I got married too.

@Whatdoy That all depends on financial circumstances.
We are not all married to wealthy partners!

When My DH suggested it I wasnover the moon. It was always something I wanted but knew in this day and age was a luxury.

Did you get much negative reaction form coworkers / Friends / Family.

I did especially from Co-Workers and some family. I wasted a degree, I will be chained to the kitchen sink blah blah blah.
I have never been happier in my life though. Stress barely. Anxiety who.
My degree is not just for that specific job it taught me life skills and life lessons. I met my BFFS from Uni, I really grew up and matured at uni. I can navigate my way through the NHS and know the healthcare system well I know how thinga work etc. I also have an abundance of knowledge to help my children. Physics, Biology, gownto research and study and take effective notes etc etc etc. The list is endless.

@MixedCouple Is your husband also stress and anxiety free? 😀

Agree. I didnt think it was an option for me and was prepared to work the rest of my life and make the best out of it.
It was on my wish list in a partner but not necessity. So when DH rolled up ticked all mandatory boxes as well as wish list it was like winning the jack pot. But I was married later in life in my 30's. I was prepared to work and have worked since I was able to. I worked throughout GCSEs, A Levels, Uni - paid my way through everything. Didn't take Nada from my folks. No Debt. Worked hard. Even though it wasn't for me. You just have to do it.
My Mother has worked in a factory since she was 16 and stopped at retirement (for her was 57) both parents had low income jobs so not an option for her. She just had to do it no other choice.

At home yes. At work No. He is in a high up managmwnt position and has a lot of responsibility but he tries his best to leave it at the work door and we try keep home positive and a relaxing safe space.

He loves providing for us and is very much raised in a traditional sense.
He also puts things into perspective a lot. His blessings and looks at those not fortunate enough.

I meant in the event of relationship breakdown.

We aren’t wealthy!