To ask if you work or are a SAHP..

[DontBeTight]

Just that really, those of you who have children under school age. Do you work, or do you stay at home? Or work part time? My youngest won't start school until 2026 so I'm considering giving up work and having the rest of the time full time at home with her as my income makes very little difference to the household.

Those who stay at home, do you enjoy it?

@Oliotya The reality is I was entirely self-sufficent for five years as a single mum. I pushed up my working hours and found a small private rental. Not a penny from ex-husband.

I've been a SAHP since my eldest was born (15 years ago). Looking back i really wish I had formed some kind of career. I'm currently separated (2 years now) from my husband of 15 years. I'm struggling looking after 4 children. I have no money, no support and no social life. I'm a carer to my eldest, so I feel tied when it comes to thinking about work. I would love to teach but feel held back due to my circumstances. I do love being at home with my children, but as I'm only human it can be tough at times.

@LorlieS Yes of course men should have the freedom to choose their path. Well I would imagine most sensible couples have these discussions on what each wants out of life before marriage and children. It was always very clear that I would stay home because we didn't want to pay out hundreds of pounds a month for someone else to look after our children. I feel it has massively benefitted the kids in terms of their early development. I do appreciate that not everyone is in the financial position to do this though, so consider myself very lucky and grateful.

@BreeBacon But can't you see that most men don't? I am sure lots more men would like to be SAHDs. However, there is still the ridiculously unfair expectation put upon many that they should be the sole provider. Why on earth should they be?

@LorlieS I don't agree with your assessment that 'most men don't' have a choice. Again, I don't believe there is an unfair expectation for men to be the sole providers in general, considering 3 out of 4 mums are working. As I said before most couples have these discussions before children come along.

'Why on earth should they be?' Because they want to be? Just as you have suggested certain men like being SAHD, many men like being a provider. Different strokes for different folks.

@LorlieS but would you stay in exactly the same job you do now if you won the lottery or would you find something else to do with your time - something you currently can't do because you have to go to work.

@LorlieS Most mums work outside the home. They mostly earn less than their husbands (as you do). They are also doing the vast majority of household work and carrying the bulk of the mental load as well as the bulk of the childcare on top of their paid work.

If there are large swathes of men sobbing into their cornflakes because their mean wives aren’t doing enough for them, then they are entitled twats, not poor put upon workhorses.

@Whatdoy Well they've married a dickhead then! My husband does all of the cooking and shares the childcare and housework exactly equally. When I've completed my MSc and built up my client base I will be earning more than him (he doesn't have a degree - I have a first degree and two postgraduate qualifications) so plan is he will drop his hours in order to do the drop-offs/pick-ups.
And actually, judging from these comments, a lot of women on here are SAHMs with no income of their own?

The dynamic between couples obviously varies from person to person. But we have a joint credit card account and separate bank accounts. We don't view it as his money my money, it is our money as a family. In many ways it makes life more simple in that there are no disagreements about who is paying what, who is earning what, who is left with more disposable income after bills, who is spending what on what, are the outgoings split fairly etc. The amount of women I have seen complaining about partners that earn more yet expect the bills to be spilt 50/50 is insane.

We're pretty much the opposite, have separate finances and our own money which we consider to be our own. I earn more but we still split the bills 50/50.

We don't have any of those disagreements. It works for us.

@SouthLondonMum22 Many of my friends have similar set ups and it works for them too. Do you earn significantly more than your partner out of curiosity?

Not at the moment but I will as I continue to progress. He's happy at the level he's at for now.

We have income into one joint account- out of that my private pension is paid and money is paid into my savings account in a separate account that only I can access. We each spend what we like and have never had an argument about money.

My other half would never want to not work, we are very different in that respect.

I find it utterly bizarre that you're so keen to lecture other women on their lack of independence, when your hypothetical independence is based entirely on your husband theoretically dropping his hours having supported you through your post grad. Your DH is supporting you, there's nothing wrong with that. The fact that he cooks doesn't automatically make you a feminist.

@Oliotya Wrong again - my husband is definitely not supporting me financially to do my MSc! I'm pushing up my hours and working at the weekends to do that. I also get a postgraduate loan which is available to everyone.

I'm a SAHM. All children are school now and I'm still a SAHM/housewife and it works well for us.

@LorlieS how are you planning to work more and study at the same time? And presumably you will then need more childcare, will your husband be doing that or are you planning to get a childminder or nanny?

@Whatdoy MSc part-time, child starts school September 👍

I thought you were going to be working at the weekend too?

And working more hours during the week?

It seems unlikely that your husband won’t be doing anything to support you.

@Whatdoy Indeed. My husband would do the childcare. I know this is shocking!! He adores time with our daughter ❤️ We also have local grandparents ❤️
The other poster assumed he would be supporting me financially. The answer was no.

That’s to be expected, but somewhat flies in the face of your assertion that you are entirely independent and receive no support from him.

pp was talking about her husband not supporting her financially. Not that she doesn't get any support from him at all.

@Whatdoy I am entirely independent financially.
Why should childcare be mainly my responsibility? Because I'm her mum? Our daughter is equally ours.

Yes, but if you were a single parent you would be paying for all the childcare your husband will do- this would have an enormous impact on the financial feasibility of working and studying.

My point is not that he shouldn’t do the childcare, clearly he should, but that your ‘financial independence’ is contingent upon the support he provides in other ways.

The argument you are using is the same one men use when they divorce and try to claim that their continued career success and progression is nothing to do with their wives, even though wives have provided all the necessary support in the other areas of their lives.

Your husband’s support enables your lifestyle- that’s how couples work.

@LorlieS But you can't be financially independent if you're earning around £1k per month, have 3 kids and are in rented accommodation. Average rental alone is around £1,200! So your husband is evidently contributing financially, making you dependant.