To ask if you work or are a SAHP..

[DontBeTight]

Just that really, those of you who have children under school age. Do you work, or do you stay at home? Or work part time? My youngest won't start school until 2026 so I'm considering giving up work and having the rest of the time full time at home with her as my income makes very little difference to the household.

Those who stay at home, do you enjoy it?

So are many other things I do in life, daily.

@Whatdoy I became a single mum virtually overnight and for reasons I won't go in to in here my small children and I had nowhere to live. Stayed with my parents for six weeks until I found a private rental.
Thank God I had not given up work altogether as my controlling ex-husband had continually pushed me to do.
Things would have been so much more traumatic for my boys than they already were had I not been able to afford to do this.
I urge women not to rely on anyone except themselves.

@Fliopen I'm assuming you put on a seat belt and strap your kids in too?

I do, as I take reasonable precautions to safeguard myself against my marriage ending or something happening to my husband, such as having a bank of my own savings, the house jointly in my name, an excellent support system, life cover, critical illness cover and income protection.

@Fliopen Do you mean your own savings as in money you earned when working? Think you're so right to have that (if in your name alone) 😀

Yes, as well as inheritance from my grandparents. It's entirely in my own name.

Before I was a parent I worked on a freelance basis in the arts, so I'm afraid to say my earning potential has always been dreadful 🤣

I’m not married to a controlling man, and I wouldn’t be homeless whatever happened.

Im all about enjoying things while they are good, with a nod to ‘what if’ in the form of life insurance, private pension etc. No way would I detract from my quality of life now just in case something beyond my control might detract from it in the future.

I am SAHM to three, soon to be four children.

This was always my goal and I don’t have any plans to work when the children are older. I am never bored and have a great life.

However, firstly, you don’t truly know until you have children, whether you will find being a SAHM fulfilling or not. I have a friend who was always determined to be SAHM but absolutely hated it (she adores her DD) and went back to FT work for her own sanity. I appreciate that in your case you already have children and so let’s assume you are sure you will prefer it.

Secondly, there is the financial risk you are exposing yourself to. I don’t have that risk as I am independently wealthy but clearly you, and most people, are not.

In your shoes I would quit the job you have, which is clearly a pile of shite, and find something you could train in and qualify over a number of years. Then get a PT job connected to that role.

Good luck!

@Whatdoy Things can change in the blink of an eye.

@LorlieS I also have a separate savings account which my husband puts money into each month, plus a rental property with that mortgage in my name. I'd still opt to be a SAHM/housewife over working whether I had these safety nets or not. Some women just prefer the traditional gender roles.

Yes exactly

@BreeBacon I see. I'm a staunch "married Ms" feminist who is entirely self-reliant
so we're never going to see eye-to-eye.
I wish you well.

These kinds of trite soundbite is what people in denial say, and can unfortunately lead to trouble later.

What things?

Like I said, I could have a stroke tomorrow, or ww3 could break out. We could be invaded by aliens or millions of things could happen- I’m not going to ruin today by worrying about tomorrow anymore than is necessary. I have a pension, life insurance, a home etc. Beyond that is out of my control so I’m not going to stress about it.

@Whatdoy Having a secure contingency is not out of your control; you are refusing to accept that things can (and trust me, do) go badly wrong in marriages, sometimes without warning.

I have 2 pre schoolers & I work full time as does DH. There was no way I was willing to become financially dependent on someone else and I wanted to maintain my pension contributions & career progression opportunities. We are lucky in getting a lot of support from Grandparents & the DCs love the nursery they go to, so we have a model that works for us.

In denial of what? I’m fully aware many things could go wrong at any time- I can’t mitigate that.

I was bobbling along through life quite happily when I woke up one Christmas morning (my babies 1st Christmas) and I couldn’t use my hands. Couldn’t bend my fingers. Went to lift my son and dropped him because he was suddenly too heavy. I went from extremely fit and healthy to a life where I can’t stay awake, frequently can’t lift food to my mouth, use a wheelchair etc- I am in no way in denial about the shit that can suddenly befall people!

Beyond the normal stuff people do, like pensions etc, it is a waste of energy to worry about it. All the planning in the world wouldn’t have stopped what happened to me 🤷‍♀️.

I have a secure contingency- I have a home that for various reasons can’t be taken away from me, I have a private pension so I’m not reliant on my spouses, I have a small income that is independent of them and would be enough to keep the wolf from the door in extremis, I have a strong extended support system, we have life insurance in case my spouse dies.

After 25 years and a lot of experience together, I am not worried that my marriage will breakdown. Obviously it’s possible, but not likely enough for me to worry about it in any real sense. If it did happen, the above would be there.

I'm also a feminist. Kept my own name when I got married. I'm a SAHM. Are you saying a SAHM cannot be a feminist?

@Fliopen I'm not sure that one who "just prefers the typical gender roles" can be, no.

So if I enjoy cooking and looking after children, I can't be a feminist?

@Fliopen In what ways do you demonstrate that you're a feminist?
Simply keeping your last name (and I accept I don't know your reasoning behind that) is to me like saying "Well I'm a Christian because I eat Easter Eggs at Easter."
Feminism isn't simply about lip service.

Feminism isn't reduced to having a well paid job either.

I volunteer for rape crisis and domestic violence support organisations for female refugees.

I am gender critical and believe in the rights of women to female only spaces, and I speak about it openly too.

I call out shitty male behaviour when I see it.

My husband took my surname and my daughters have it too.

In what ways do you demonstrate you're a feminist? Or do you automatically qualify because you work?

Of course you can. But to link that to your gender is what is questionably non feminist.