Page 11 | To ask if you work or are a SAHP..

DontBeTight · 2024-01-26T15:58:34+00:00

Just that really, those of you who have children under school age. Do you work, or do you stay at home? Or work part time? My youngest won't start school until 2026 so I'm considering giving up work and having the rest of the time full time at home with her as my income makes very little difference to the household. Those who stay at home, do you enjoy it?

Oliotya · 27/01/2024 22:46

Why is it apparently so fantastic and modern when a man cuts his hours or stays home with the kids, but if I do, I'm letting side down, contributing nothing, being irresponsible?

Whatdoy · 27/01/2024 22:48

Oliotya · 26/01/2024 19:13

Not working is only "abandoning who you are", if work is your personality.

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Exactly!

I am not just a job, or a career. Why would I be abandoning who I am because I don’t work? Someone’s job is frequently the most boring thing about them in any case.

I gave up working around the time I got married. Finished an MA when I was heavily pregnant, never felt like going back to anything so I’m still off and my son is 10 in a few weeks.

I love being a sahm, or housewife, or unemployed, whichever label you like to give it. I get to do what I want all the time, what’s not to like.

TheChosenTwo · 27/01/2024 22:51

I was a SAHM for years when our dc were small and only went back to work when the youngest started school.
I absolutely loved it, genuinely had such a great time with them all. Dh was a brilliantly supportive partner and ensured I had time to myself and pulled his weight when he was home, never expected the house to be a show home or that I’d spend my days cleaning and cooking.
We had so many adventures, I’d take them away and do stuff with them and also just enjoyed things like being around to have MIL round for lunch, we spent so much time doing fun things.
Zero regrets on my part.

Thinkbiglittleone · 27/01/2024 22:56

If someone is a SAHP, it is almost always the woman
If someone goes part time, it is almost always the woman
If someone switches jobs/roles to work around childcare, it is almost always the woman

That's right, but why should I sacrifice my rights and give up my choice to help teach men about being fair. Why should women be told they can't stay at home with their children because men haven't given us an even playing field so I need to give my rights up and go against everything I believe in. That is not feminism, however this wave wants to frame it.
The fight should be being taken to the men, not taking rights off women.

I think it's important for an individual to be able to afford the basics on their own
The basics is a roof over your head, so should you only be living in a house you can afford alone?

it doesn't have to be at the same standard as a life with two incomes, especially if they are both full time incomes
How much does it have to be?

Financial independence has always been important to me though
But what does that look like for most people, most people need 2 incomes to survive at the moment (I'm not talking high earners, normal joe public).
A lot of people who claim financial independence when you break it down they have got to their position as a team, both paying into a mortgage, both running the house, both paying for child care etc etc.

Whatdoy · 27/01/2024 22:57

candyisdandybutliquorisquicker · 27/01/2024 19:24

I was referring to other posters describing their own work as "just a job" as a justification for giving it up when they have a child. I'm glad you have found a job that is rewarding enough that you didn't give it up. On a societal level the issue is the default that the female partner is almost always the parent who chooses to quit. When two full-time employees gave a child, something often has to give. But does it always have to be a women's aspirations and financial independence?

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But does it always have to be a women's aspirations and financial independence?

Frequently yes, because the woman earns less. So if someone is going to cut hours, it makes sense for it to be her.

Fionaville · 27/01/2024 22:59

Love being a SAHM. I went back to work part time after my mat leave ended with our eldest. I hated it. I missed him so much. I never went back after I had our second.
I've never been bored!

AndThatWasNY · 27/01/2024 23:01

I worked a day and a half a week for about 6 years while my 3 were little then 3 days a week until high school around DHs shifts so he could have them on his days off
Loved being around for them being babies and toddlers so much. We were proper skint though!

LorlieS · 27/01/2024 23:02

I don't think you're "allowed" to say "work OR be a SAHP"? Because the SAHP's don't like it.

Thinkbiglittleone · 27/01/2024 23:04

LorlieS · 27/01/2024 23:02

I don't think you're "allowed" to say "work OR be a SAHP"? Because the SAHP's don't like it.

I can say when I was a SAHP, and now, I really didn't care how people referred to themselves or me.
Providing they were happy and content with their choice I was happy with mine, what did it matter how a stranger referred to me ?

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/01/2024 23:06

Thinkbiglittleone · 27/01/2024 22:56

If someone is a SAHP, it is almost always the woman
If someone goes part time, it is almost always the woman
If someone switches jobs/roles to work around childcare, it is almost always the woman

That's right, but why should I sacrifice my rights and give up my choice to help teach men about being fair. Why should women be told they can't stay at home with their children because men haven't given us an even playing field so I need to give my rights up and go against everything I believe in. That is not feminism, however this wave wants to frame it.
The fight should be being taken to the men, not taking rights off women.

I think it's important for an individual to be able to afford the basics on their own
The basics is a roof over your head, so should you only be living in a house you can afford alone?

it doesn't have to be at the same standard as a life with two incomes, especially if they are both full time incomes
How much does it have to be?

Financial independence has always been important to me though
But what does that look like for most people, most people need 2 incomes to survive at the moment (I'm not talking high earners, normal joe public).
A lot of people who claim financial independence when you break it down they have got to their position as a team, both paying into a mortgage, both running the house, both paying for child care etc etc.

At an individual level, I don't really care what someone does. My concerns are at a societal level and the fact that inequality and sexism are still such huge issues in our society.

The basics are more than just a roof over your head. Clothes, food, bills etc and as I said, it doesn't have to be a house you can afford on two incomes but at least to be able to downsize to a smaller house. It puts someone in a better position that solely relying on someone else financially even if their lifestyle would be different.

Oliotya · 27/01/2024 23:12

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/01/2024 23:06

At an individual level, I don't really care what someone does. My concerns are at a societal level and the fact that inequality and sexism are still such huge issues in our society.

The basics are more than just a roof over your head. Clothes, food, bills etc and as I said, it doesn't have to be a house you can afford on two incomes but at least to be able to downsize to a smaller house. It puts someone in a better position that solely relying on someone else financially even if their lifestyle would be different.

Edited

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If you're bothered about societal inequality, don't tell women they aren't doing enough. Ask why caring and nurturing professions aren't valued and compensated properly. Ask why those fields and dominated by women. Ask men why they aren't doing those jobs.

I work ( when I'm not with my children) in a residential home for (mainly autistic) adults. There is not one British man among 50ish hands on staff. Not one. Don't tell me I'm not doing enough. Ask the British men where they're not doing this job and why we're paid so poorly. That's the societal issue.

BreeBacon · 27/01/2024 23:17

@LorlieS What makes you say that? I've never heard of anyone being bothered by that before. I'm a SAHP and far far happier for it. Tbh I don't know many women who genuinely wanted to return to work, they just had to because of finances.

LorlieS · 27/01/2024 23:18

I personally have never chosen to become a SAHM because that means relying on someone else financially. Even during my first marriage when my then husband was earning around £7k pm to my £1k-something.
Incredibly risky. He was desperate for me to give up work entirely and become reliant on him. Not a chance.
I needed that income stream when I left him in order to support my kids, put a roof over our heads etc.

Happiestathome · 27/01/2024 23:19

I stayed at home for years and now work part-time. Sometimes I look at the progression of friends around me and question if I regret my decision. Good money and a career sounds appealing. I don’t regret it though. For me, the time at home was worth the loss financially/career wise. I think it is important to consider and recognise there can be a loss there though.

Thinkbiglittleone · 27/01/2024 23:20

At an individual level, I don't really care what someone does. My concerns are at a societal level and the fact that inequality and sexism are still such huge issues in our society
Yes and that it absolutely the fight worth having for equality but don't be trying to take rights or belittle women's rights to choose for themselves. It is not an "unfeminist" choice to stay at home to raise your child, Women should have the right to choose as both are valid options, it should not be women to loose more rights to teach men. It is an unfeminist choice to force women away from their kids if they don't want to.
Also it's wrong to force women to stay at home because they can't afford to work - fight for that better right for women all round, not demonising those choose to be at home.

The basics are more than just a roof over your head. Clothes, food, bills etc
Of course it is, but I was taking the biggest expense as an example.

and as I saidit doesn't have to be a house you can afford on two incomes but at least to be able to downsize to a smaller house
But there are women out there working their backsides off, who couldn't afford to downsize, despite working damn hard. Who even if they spilt from their DHs would still struggle and need assistance.

It puts someone in a better position that solely relying on someone else financially even if their lifestyle would be different
But you were saying financially independent - that won't have been the case to start with, at some point most couples work as a team and rely on each other to get the house (to later downsize from) and pay the bills etc

LorlieS · 27/01/2024 23:23

@BreeBacon I love my job and was delighted to return after mat leave; even if I had won the lottery I couldn't be a ft SAHP. My husband took a day off for a year to look after our daughter and he absolutely loved it, bless him! If he could be a SAHD he so would be!!

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/01/2024 23:23

Oliotya · 27/01/2024 23:12

If you're bothered about societal inequality, don't tell women they aren't doing enough. Ask why caring and nurturing professions aren't valued and compensated properly. Ask why those fields and dominated by women. Ask men why they aren't doing those jobs.

I work ( when I'm not with my children) in a residential home for (mainly autistic) adults. There is not one British man among 50ish hands on staff. Not one. Don't tell me I'm not doing enough. Ask the British men where they're not doing this job and why we're paid so poorly. That's the societal issue.

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Have you read all of my comments on this thread? If you haven't, I have talked about many of those things too.

I have never told women that they aren't doing enough, like I said, on an individual level, I don't care what someone does or doesn't do.

I'm far more interested in the societal aspect.

Thinkbiglittleone · 27/01/2024 23:25

LorlieS · 27/01/2024 23:18

I personally have never chosen to become a SAHM because that means relying on someone else financially. Even during my first marriage when my then husband was earning around £7k pm to my £1k-something.
Incredibly risky. He was desperate for me to give up work entirely and become reliant on him. Not a chance.
I needed that income stream when I left him in order to support my kids, put a roof over our heads etc.

Edited

Yes and this is the risk. It's a valid reason for women to not want to give up work. I think it's probably the most common reason looking at opinions on here.
They weigh up the pros and cons for themselves and make the choice.

I think it would be naive to become at SAHP (through choice) without acknowledging that risk. Again it's a personal choice on what is the priority as a family. Both are valid choices, that's why it's important women have that choice and aren't demonised for them.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/01/2024 23:33

Thinkbiglittleone · 27/01/2024 23:20

At an individual level, I don't really care what someone does. My concerns are at a societal level and the fact that inequality and sexism are still such huge issues in our society
Yes and that it absolutely the fight worth having for equality but don't be trying to take rights or belittle women's rights to choose for themselves. It is not an "unfeminist" choice to stay at home to raise your child, Women should have the right to choose as both are valid options, it should not be women to loose more rights to teach men. It is an unfeminist choice to force women away from their kids if they don't want to.
Also it's wrong to force women to stay at home because they can't afford to work - fight for that better right for women all round, not demonising those choose to be at home.

The basics are more than just a roof over your head. Clothes, food, bills etc
Of course it is, but I was taking the biggest expense as an example.

and as I saidit doesn't have to be a house you can afford on two incomes but at least to be able to downsize to a smaller house
But there are women out there working their backsides off, who couldn't afford to downsize, despite working damn hard. Who even if they spilt from their DHs would still struggle and need assistance.

It puts someone in a better position that solely relying on someone else financially even if their lifestyle would be different
But you were saying financially independent - that won't have been the case to start with, at some point most couples work as a team and rely on each other to get the house (to later downsize from) and pay the bills etc

How am I trying to take anyone's rights away? Like I said, people can and will do whatever they like if they get a choice.

Why should only women get a right to choose though? It should be a choice aimed at both parents, not just women. Also, working parents raise their children too.

It's correct that some women would still struggle but that struggle would be harder if they had no income at all.

It is financial independence if a relationship breaks down and you are able to financially provide for yourself such as renting a house until the joint house sells, obviously that house will just likely be cheaper and smaller than the joint house. Not everyone will be able to manage that even if they do work but I can't see how the better scenario would be having no independent income at all.

BreeBacon · 27/01/2024 23:42

There is an element of risk in becoming financially dependant on your partner, that is one of the reasons why marriage is so important.

Thinkbiglittleone · 27/01/2024 23:45

How am I trying to take anyone's rights away? Like I said, people can and will do whatever they like if they get a choice

Why should only women get a right to choose though? It should be a choice aimed at both parents, not just women. Also, working parents raise their children too

Why, because men are the ones making that way. Absolutely both should get a choice and when men sort their shit out and even the playing field for women to get back to work, more women will go back, because childcare won't cripple families, equal pay means it's not always easier for the women to give work up, paternity will match maternity etc etc that is the fight - not saying women can't have a choice to stay at home because not enough men do.

It's correct that some women would still struggle but that struggle would be harder if they had no income at all
But as in the case, it's a MW job that can be walked back into. Yes of course it's a risk but I think it's the wording of financial Independence that's not really true in a lot of cases for working parents.

It is financial independence if a relationship breaks down and you are able to financially provide for yourself such as renting a house until the joint house sells, obviously that house will just likely be cheaper and smaller than the joint house. Not everyone will be able to manage that even if they do work but I can't see how the better scenario would be having no independent income at all

But are you accepting that this financial independence normally comes after the financial reliance bit - where you work as a team to earn together (to then downsize from) So at some point in the relationship you have had to trust each other and work as a team.

LorlieS · 27/01/2024 23:46

@BreeBacon I was married to an extremely wealthy man. He also happened to be a Chartered Accountant, cunning liar and total narcissistic.
Explains the reason why I'm still living in privately rented whilst he enjoys a 1 point something million property complete with swimming pool.
Thank God I didn't give up my career and become a SAHM like he insisted I must do.

Thinkbiglittleone · 27/01/2024 23:50

It should be a choice aimed at both parents, not just women. Also, working parents raise their children too
Don't turn this into something it's not. It's not a working parent vs SAHP bun fight that usually ensues and is ridiculous.

We are accepting that all parents, parent, Both choices are valid etc etc.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/01/2024 23:53

Thinkbiglittleone · 27/01/2024 23:45

How am I trying to take anyone's rights away? Like I said, people can and will do whatever they like if they get a choice

Why should only women get a right to choose though? It should be a choice aimed at both parents, not just women. Also, working parents raise their children too

Why, because men are the ones making that way. Absolutely both should get a choice and when men sort their shit out and even the playing field for women to get back to work, more women will go back, because childcare won't cripple families, equal pay means it's not always easier for the women to give work up, paternity will match maternity etc etc that is the fight - not saying women can't have a choice to stay at home because not enough men do.

It's correct that some women would still struggle but that struggle would be harder if they had no income at all
But as in the case, it's a MW job that can be walked back into. Yes of course it's a risk but I think it's the wording of financial Independence that's not really true in a lot of cases for working parents.

It is financial independence if a relationship breaks down and you are able to financially provide for yourself such as renting a house until the joint house sells, obviously that house will just likely be cheaper and smaller than the joint house. Not everyone will be able to manage that even if they do work but I can't see how the better scenario would be having no independent income at all

But are you accepting that this financial independence normally comes after the financial reliance bit - where you work as a team to earn together (to then downsize from) So at some point in the relationship you have had to trust each other and work as a team.

not saying women can't have a choice to stay at home because not enough men do.

Yet I've never said that.

But are you accepting that this financial independence normally comes after the financial reliance bit - where you work as a team to earn together (to then downsize from) So at some point in the relationship you have had to trust each other and work as a team.

No. It comes before in having your own income and not solely relying on someone else financially and it can come afterwards when you don't need to wait for the house to sell because you can rent a house with your own income. Of course, all situations are different but it's always beneficial to have your own income if possible.

BreeBacon · 27/01/2024 23:55

@LorlieS If... God forbid my marriage broke down, I would come away with a healthy chunk of money which would go straight into another house. I worked before the kids so getting another job would be no biggie. I think women need to be aware and have the awkward conversations about 'what ifs' with their partner before considering being a SAHM. Marriage offers legal and financial protection that cohabiting doesn't. You must have got a settlement upon divorce?